Hello everyone,
This is my first post here. I thought I would share some of my experiences, thoughts, and concerns with some of you. I have been searching for an outlet I think or perhaps I'm looking for some validation. I'm not sure what I'm seeking by posting here to be honest, however I think it's something that might be healthy for me. So I'm going share a bit about myself and what I've been going through recently. I consider myself a MtF transsexual. I didn't always consider myself as such. I'm not sure how "typical" my childhood experiences were for someone who has this sort of gender issue. This might be long, so suffer through it with me please.
In my early childhood I rarely thought of myself as girl, however I did have many moments of self-doubt and question about my gender. I recall a set of specific memories at about the age of 4 or 5, just before I started kindergarten, in which I recall looking at my genitals and wondering what was "wrong" with them. I considered all sorts of childish fantasies and questions, like "Maybe the hospital made a mistake and I was really a girl." or "I wonder if everyone looks like me down there.". The strange thing is that these moments didn't haunt me all the time or persist as modern psychology seems to suggest it does in cases of Gender Identity Disorder. These moments of question would come and go. And they seemed to occur really only when I was forced to look at myself, when I was nude (in the bath or changing clothes) or when my gender was directly mentioned. The rest of the time, I was like any other child. Well, in the sense that I wasn't disturbed by it. I do also recall being mistaken for a little girl a few times later on in my childhood. Around 5th grade I was still slim then and I had very long blonde hair. I was a bit androgynous and people sometimes mistook my gender. I remember kind of feeling good when that happened. But again, I didn't concern myself too much with my gender, it wasn't an issue until later in life.
I was always a quiet child however, in great contrast to my older brother in sister according to my mother. I would enjoy listening to adults talk as much as I would like playing and I was greatly introverted and shy. In fact, I always have been. I've always had a mixture of friends of both genders. My earliest friends were mostly girls but I managed to get along with most other children my age. I was and have always been socially insecure but it wasn't as pronounced back then. I suppose my concern is that it seems most psychological profiles, including the DSM-IV seem to suggest that people with Gender Identity Disorder are always consumed with their gender. In my case it wasn't until puberty that it became a real driving force in my life, despite the early questions of it.
At puberty everything changed though. I remember hating the change when the males and females stopped being the the same social circles. I remember that it seemed sudden and odd to me. As though it happened over one summer break from school, likely it did I guess.
I was confused. I started feeling envy for the girls my age. A trait which only grew worse as I got older. In my later teens my envy would turn to a mild disgust or hatred for them. I think I resented that my male friends liked them and didn't see me the same way. And of course that the girls could be so expressive emotionally and in some cases sexually and I could not. I felt alone and isolated. I just "pretended" to be part of the male groups I was with. I even faked my attraction to girls, because when I didn't join in our masculine discussions I was singled out. It made me very uncomfortable. I should take a moment to explain my sexual orientation.
Sexual orientation is another confusing issue for me as it relates to my Gender Identity Disorder. The DSM-IV and some psychological sources seem to suggest that the two are related, but other sources like the John Hopkins BSTc brain research seems to suggest that it is not at all. I'm not sure who to believe honestly as I can only vouch for my own feelings. I consider myself bi-sexual. I am attracted to girls and boys. Although, my considerations are limited by my gender. I have so far been very uncomfortable considering myself in or pursuing any sexual relationship with either gender as a male. I felt that most heterosexual girls want me to too masculine, I hate that role. It always makes me feel insecure. The same goes for homosexual relationships, I don't enjoy it in the context of being male. I have experimented with both in short term relationships. Neither seems to allow me to be sexually expressive or satisfied. When I think of myself as a female. I only am really interested in other girls for sex, never for a long term relationship. I think of males in both contexts, as partners and lovers. I'm not sure where that fits in to my gender issues or if anyone else feels similar?
Being unable to feel like I could sexually or emotionally express myself, I have really pursued intellect as my only escape. In high school I was quite the "geek". I was introverted, had a small circle of close friends (some male, some female) which remained mostly constant, and I was a straight A student. Accord to my IQ test I am at a genius level (for what little that's worth, I don't put much faith in linear or even semi-linear estimates of people's intelligence). I have always had a great respect for science. But I never feel like I am complete. I feel as though I'm being held back from my own character growth. I feel like my intellect, which has been my only source of self-esteem, is just an overcompensation for my lack of emotional and sexual maturity. And I think I've always known the cause.
I think from years following the onset of puberty I have known what my problem is. I just was so afraid of the social consequences that I didn't want it to be the case. My attitude has changed though, but my fears haven't.
I suppose all of this leads me to my current condition. I am 22 years old as of this past April. And I feel like I have wasted my youth. I had something of a "mental breakdown" (I know it's an archaic term, I just don't have a better one) about 9 weeks ago and the result was my exit from college. After this term I lost my carried 3.5 GPA and my scholarship. To be honest though, I don't even care. I don't feel guilty. I feel pleased even, in some ways. I am out my daze. During that "breakdown" I seriously attempted suicide. I came very close to death a few times. Needless to say it didn't work. I am now back with my very concerned parents, and I'm not longer living under an illusion as to what my problem is.
Since my return home, I have "come out" to my mother as transgendered. It literally took a week solid of nightly conversation for her to understand completely. Not just what the condition is but how it was concealed in my life. The hardest thing for her to accept was that I really wanted to be a girl. She went through stages, first she thought I was talking about some kind of sexual fetish (turns out she knew about some of my past cross-dressing but considered it a "phase"). Then she understood I had a deep psychological issue but still was in denial of what I wanted to do about it. But she finally came around, I have to tell her flat out my true feelings. If I can't be a girl, I don't want to live. That's how I feel.
I know "transition or death" isn't how all of us feel, but, god, I do. I don't want to be this person anymore. I feel like a song lyric "a house full of locked doors, with nothing inside". I have spent my whole life protecting myself, but the ironic part is that I denied myself the chance to transition when I had the best odds of passing. And I do care a great deal about passing. I'm terrified that I won't. I'm not sure I want to live if I don't pass. And to be frank, and I don't mean to be insulting to anyone, but I feel like 22 is almost too late. I feel like I missed my opportunity. I have this feeling that just waiting those few years has given up my chance at being happy. I feel regret and anger towards my self.
My father and the rest of my family are still in the dark. I lost contact with my friends when I left school and I don't plan on telling many of them. I live in Tennessee and this state doesn't make it easy. My area has little to no transgender support groups, doctors, or therapists. My state even punishes us for being born here, as I can never change my birth certificate's gender because I was unlucky enough to be born here rather than a few hundred miles in any other direction.
I'm sorry if I seem hateful, I feel a little like that to be honest. I feel very alone here as well. I guess what I'm asking for is anything that anyone can offer. Be it advice, support, or validation of some kind.
I hope this wasn't too long or rambling. Thank you for reading it everyone.
