Quote from: April221 on July 05, 2008, 03:43:05 PM
I fear myself with good reason. I have absolute and total self acceptance in myself as April and I have respect in myself as a woman. Unfortunately, I only became aware of what transition and TS were within the last year, and even though I'm seeing a therapist, having electrolysis, and am looking forward to living full time and having SRS, I don't trust myself to be patient enough to see the process through to the end. I have a deep rooted hatred of the male image that I was forced to present in order to best survive and earn a living. Two suicide attempts that miraculously failed, and I'm constantly wondering if I should just say "the hell with it," and try a third and final time.
Much of the conversation with the therapist concerns my post transition goals. I seldom leave my home...I only go out if there is a reason, like a prescription to pick up or to go grocery shopping. Is that going to work as my Real Life Experience? I don't know, but the situation is that I just don't want to do anything. I've been totally aware of my cross gendered being for over 50 years, and I've always been happy whenever I lived as myself, but having to live as a male in order to best support myself has left me totally drained emotionally, and with an attitude that I just have to end the conflict between April and my male persona. I've had a terrible life, and I just don't know if I'll be able to last long enough to see the process of transition through SRS and a life in the gender role that I should have had from birth.
i get terribly depressed at times, too. but i don't feel that it is right for me to blame it on one thing more so than another.
to do so means i really have an intimate understanding of the workings of my own mind, um, when actually, i don't.
i go to a therapist and she says, "you behave in such and such a way, because you have such and such in your past."
then i try to work through
that problem, and i see that my depression is still lurking like an evil presence in a dark corner. waiting.
well, at some point i have to try and address this awful depression without establishing its cause or laying blame to someone that wronged me in the past. i have feared myself in the past, certainly. then for years i went kinda numb. that interim of "pretending nothing's wrong" gave me some time to accomplish some life goals, but, of course, also sorta packaged up my depression for opening and addressing later (uh, one hopes, before it explodes).
going full-time and getting srs may be great remedies, but i would suggest that depression is way complex, and should be addressed concomitantly along with the GID, which, you know, may or may not be the sole reason for one's depression.
Please hang in there, k?
-Ell
ps.
these are just my opinions, and should not be regarded as therapeutic, nor in any way take the place of professional advice.