I could use some advice.

[Jamie-o]

I've been thinking a lot lately about coming out to my Mom.  I know that she'll always love me, no matter what, and she will come to accept this. But at the same time, I know it will hurt her deeply.

If it were anything else, she'd be completely cool about it.  But the thing is, I'm an only child: my mom's only chance for the little girl she always wanted.  All my life I've heard about how much she wanted a little girl, and how she knew before I was born that I was a girl (this was in the 70's, before such tests were available), and how she didn't know what she would have done if I'd been a boy.  And it hurts so much every time she says that, that I want to throw it back in her face and tell her she never had a little girl.  She always had a boy, but just couldn't see it.

Then I feel like a heel, because I know she means it in a good way.  "See how much you are wanted.  See how much you are appreciated.  Girl Power," and all that.

I've tried (in a round-about, ineffectual manner) to bring the subject up every so often since I was probably four or five years old, but always got the "why it's better to be female" lectures in response.  Honestly, I think she suspects, but really doesn't want to have her worst fears confirmed.

So my question is two-fold:

1.  How do I overcome my own guilt response, knowing that to live my life as myself I have to attack my mom's most treasured dream? And...

2.  How do you explain to someone who has never experienced this that it's not about wanting to be male, but about feeling that I actually am?

Any input would be appreciated.

[Case]

The only advice I can really say is to just be yourself, be open, and be honest. Bring some facts to the table. And just explain your thoughts and feelings. Other than that, good luck to ya hun!

[PolarBear]

I guess one of the first things you'd "have" to do is not feel responsible for your mothers happiness.
(The reason I put "have" between those thingies is that one of my own rules is that people don't have to do anything. You're always free to choose. Anyway, on with it...)

Let me state that again: You are not responsible for your mothers happiness.
There. I said it. The fact that you write (quote) "knowing that to live my life as myself I have to attack my mom's most treasured dream?" says a whole lot. I'm talking about the word "attack" here. Why do you feel that you are attacking her dream? Her dream is/was indeed nothing more than a dream. Nice if it would have become a reality, but no one has any control over a dream.

When I told my parents I was gay, yes, they needed to time adjust. To adjust their dreams of me. For of course they had dreams for me. Dreams of a loving husband, some kids, and all that. That dream would not come true. But they made new dreams for me. Dreams of a loving girlfriend, perhaps some kids, and all that. Not that different from the first dream, really.
My point is that if you want to stay true to yourself you have to live your own life, and hope and pray that the people you love such as your mom can respect and accept that. Please don't feel guilty towards your mom, you are not helping yourself or her with it.

Whether or not you should tell her is really up to you. It's a very personal choice, and I think there is no right or wrong option.


Good luck,
PolarBear