Gaining Acceptance-Best approach?

[Dawn D.]

Please bear with me, this could be a long one.

As I get closer to the point at which I will begin transition, I'm pondering a few questions and am quite at odds within my self. My wife and I have been in therapy together now for several months. We have made wonderful progress for her to better understand what is happening and for me to help her along the way. But now we find that it is time for including the rest of our immediate family (son, daughter, my mother) in our sessions to attempt to help them come to terms with what they now do not wish to accept. Funny how, when I originally went to them all and told them of my true self, they all said and seemed quite at ease with the revelation. Now, several months later the denial has set in heavily. We (my wife and I) are being used and ostricized at the same time. Yes, they all still need the things that dad (male only) & mom can offer them with help in personal matters, whether it is mowing lawns, fixing cars or dealing with and seeking advice for interactive issues of their own with others. However, it's all done at a distance. No longer are their requests made face to face. We are only contacted via telephone or email. And we are not talking about long distance here. In the case of my mother she only lives a few feet from us. My daughter is the furthest at 10 miles. It was at one time unheard of that we would not at least get a visit from one of them at least twice a week. Often not allowing for me to be en femme. Of which I never faulted them for nor displayed any open frustration. Simply because I know how they mostly felt about seeing me. Aside from my mother, who did seem quite ok with seeing me en femme until of late.

The point of this post is not a "whoa is me" post. What I am more focussing on here is what level of transition I need to take in order to be as openly accepted in public and by family as can be possible. Maybe it is unattainable. Who knows. It might seem a bit of a strange approach to this topic, though, I think it has to do with what peoples (those that already have known me in male life) perception of me as my true-self will be if that transition is not one of completness. In other words, I am beginning to feel that I cannot even begin to have the people that know me now, whom I wish to have know me after transition, begin to really accept me (save for my lovely wife) and believe me unless I have the full transformation, i.e., hormones, GRS and some FFS. I may have been trying to fool myself into believing that I did not have to go with the surgery to be happy or that since no one would even know whether or not I had even had surgery, what difference would it make in having it. Some how I now feel that I will not be complete until I do these things and I cannot have expectations of others around me, to believe me or understand me until that occurs to the full level as well. I know that there is no "guarantee " that even going full transition is going to bring an embrace of acceptance. It very well could bring more or worse ostricization. Though somehow, I feel doing so, legitimizes me. Whereas , at this point in my own life I do not feel at all legitimate (male presence only). I no longer have any desire to save any portion of my maleness. Where, once, I felt that I did not need to go that far, now I realize I do.

So, I am posing two questions to those who have transitioned both partially (no surgery) and those who have gone with full surgery with or without FFS.

1.) If you have had full surgery. Do you feel you have gained more acceptance publicly and/or familial than you would have without surgery?

2.) If you have not had surgery. Do you feel that there is more stigma associated to you from those in your life or around it than if you could or would have the surgery?

I am not asking these questions as a matter of concern for what outsiders thoughts and actions have as to how we feel inside. Rather, I wonder if it is easier for outsiders to accept, once they understand that we've made the full change as opposed to only going half way. Please understand I don't think there is anything wrong with only going to where you are comfortable in transition. We all go as far as we can based either financially or emotionally. Everyone of us does it the way that we have to.

Thanks for your time!



Dawn

[Gracie Faise]

Feelings in your family and friends can change from the surgeries not because of how you look per-say, but by what it means to have something as BIG as a surgery. It is a no-turning-back point, which can either have very positive or very negative reactions.

For example, on Oprah a while back when she was doing a trans special, the young transboy said that his father was distant and avoided him and still used his girl name and female pronouns but after he got the chest surgery his father totally 180'd and became closer and used his male name and male pronouns.

[Kate]

I haven't had SRS yet, though I don't think it's had any impact whatsoever on people's acceptance of me. With my own self-acceptance, yes, very much so... but it hasn't been a concern for those I know.

I don't have any children, so I really can't speak to that... although I can understand their concerns. The people who have the hardest time with this are often the ones who *depend* on our male role, such as children and our parents. If you've been "dad" and your mother's "son" for so many years... it's hard for them to let go of that.

Still, for what it's worth, I think one of the reasons I didn't have problems with acceptance (aside from my parents) was that I never did the "enfemme" thing, never crossdressed, never overextended my "presentation" (still hate that word!) beyond my development from HRT at any given point. Now, maybe that shows a lack of self-acceptance on my part, or maybe I was just being prudent and considerate of other people's discomfort. In any case though, there never was a need for "acceptance" really, as I was never incongruent... if you see what I mean? When I looked male, I dressed male. When I looked androgynous, I dressed androgynous. Only when I finally began getting "miss's" consistently did I go for it, and truly began living fulltime as Kate.

I think doing it that way gave both them AND me time to evolve into this, to adjust to the changes. I sorta just slipped into being Kate gradually and steadily over the months. There was never any "enfemme" time versus "boy mode" or anything like that. There was never a "presentation." IMHO, I think flipping back and forth like that makes it look like an act, a costume you can take off to people. I was *consistent* and persistent throughout my transition, which I think leaves little doubt or room to question anything. No wavering, no apologizing, no explaining, and yet I still took the time to make sure I listened to the concerns of everyone around me, and perhaps adjusted my time frames a bit... sometimes slowing down if they seemed pushed too hard, and sometimes speeding up when THEY thought I was going too slow, ironically, lol...

~Kate~

[gina]

I haven't had SRS either yet and most prob never will..In my case I think there would be even more distant of a relationship from my ex(wife) and oldest daughter as they would feel they lost the person they remember for ever.... very final like death...

[Dawn D.]

My wife and I and another girl friend were having a glass of wine and discussing these situations last saturday evening. Our friend, has only recently known about me and is still trying to make sense of it all. We have known each other for the better part of twenty years. So, this has been somewhat of a big shock to her. She has relied upon me to help her in a number of issues (everything from fixing lights in her house to maintence on her car) since her husband (my best friend) passed away two years ago. She is a very intuitive lady. She never freaked out about this and has been diligently working to understand as best she can this recent disclosure. It truly is amazing what people can do when they want to learn about something so different. She has read many articles on the net and she has been given reading material provided by my wife and I. Slowly, she has been introduced to my true self. That is the way she suggested that it happen. This Saturday will be the first time that she will meet me completely en femme.

Her realization, as she says, has been one of "D..... is dead and Dawn is a new girl friend. They are different people physically yet mentally they are the same". She said that she cried alot over it, but, the more she is around us the more she sees how real I am.

I guess my point is, from what has been said here and other forums too, is that this is a death of a loved one or aquaintance suffered by those that know us from our pre-disclosure days and then a rebirth, if you will, making  for an allowance in time for people to adjust. It may not matter what we have gone through (GRS, hormones, et al.), only if they are caring enough to try to understand who we actually are. Belief, patience, acceptance and confidence within ourselves is the catalyst that helps that to happen. This is what I am going to project to the rest of my family and friends as my journey moves forward.

Thank you all for your responses.



Dawn

[NicholeW.]

Projecting one's self is always an excellent approach, Dawn. No matter who that person is, a 'realness' comes to life when you don't try to be a conglomerate image of what people expect or tell you. You know best what is you and what is not.

Doing so, I think, does tend to make it easier for others to accept who they are with rather than who they thought you may have been.

N~