How to help parents understand?

[Erik M.]

     Hey guys, I'm new here (pre-everything FTM) and I just wanted to ask your advice on how I can help my parents to better understand what it means to be transsexual.

     So, basically I came out to my parents a few weeks ago, and their reaction wasn't exactly what I had hoped for, but it wasn't completely terrible. That is, I do consider myself lucky that I wasn't disowned or anything... but there were some pretty harsh words exchanged. Anyhow fast forward to now and I'm starting to have real hope that acceptance will come one day. They say that they can't see themselves accepting me as a man now, but they are unsure of how they will feel in the future... I think their main problem is that they're having real problems trying to sort out what it means to be transsexual. As many times as I try to explain myself to them, they don't seem to get it. They keep saying "You already look like a boy, cut your hair short, etc... What more do you want?" They cling fiercely to the idea that physical sex is the same as gender identity, insisting that my mind, not my body is the problem. They agree to find me a therapist, but not for the same reasons I want to. They intend to "fix" my mind into wanting to be feminine, and my mother keeps sending me these e-mails about studies that show that the minds of transsexuals can be "fixed"... I just don't know how to get through to them.
Any suggestions???

Thanks,
Erik
     

[ftmshubbie]

Erik,

You may not be able to change their minds by yourself. May I ask how are you? and do you live at home?

You might look into whether there is a PFLAG chapter in your hometown, and if they are Trans-savvy. Most chapters these days have someone designated as a T-COORD--a transgender coordinator--who will have access to books, pamphlets, and info designed especially to help parents of transfolks see things differently.

Finally, do be patient. They are your parents, after all, and parents deserve a little extra slack. They will come around, most likely, but it will not happen quickly or easily. Meanwhile, congrats on coming out to them. That was a risk on your part and required some serious courage! Good going.

Dan (aka ftmshubbie)

     Hey guys, I'm new here (pre-everything FTM) and I just wanted to ask your advice on how I can help my parents to better understand what it means to be transsexual.

     So, basically I came out to my parents a few weeks ago, and their reaction wasn't exactly what I had hoped for, but it wasn't completely terrible. That is, I do consider myself lucky that I wasn't disowned or anything... but there were some pretty harsh words exchanged. Anyhow fast forward to now and I'm starting to have real hope that acceptance will come one day. They say that they can't see themselves accepting me as a man now, but they are unsure of how they will feel in the future... I think their main problem is that they're having real problems trying to sort out what it means to be transsexual. As many times as I try to explain myself to them, they don't seem to get it. They keep saying "You already look like a boy, cut your hair short, etc... What more do you want?" They cling fiercely to the idea that physical sex is the same as gender identity, insisting that my mind, not my body is the problem. They agree to find me a therapist, but not for the same reasons I want to. They intend to "fix" my mind into wanting to be feminine, and my mother keeps sending me these e-mails about studies that show that the minds of transsexuals can be "fixed"... I just don't know how to get through to them.
Any suggestions???

Thanks,
Erik
     

[discarded]

My parents reacted the -exact- same way. There is definitely a 'grieving' process that parents and friends go through. I found it on the transitionalmale.com and my parents went through every single step. It was creepy.

Anyway, try explaining to them that how you feel is different than how you look. You want to be a man, and that includes the perks and consequences of that. Cutting your hair into a boy cut doesn't make you look anymore male---it doesn't give you sideburns or facial hair. It doesn't make your voice drop, and you won't get body hair. You want to look like a male, and that is only accomplished successfully with testosterone in your body.

My parents started understanding when I asked them how they'd feel if they woke up as the opposite gender. Naturally, both replied that they'd be horrified, uncomfortable, and they wouldn't know what to do. I then explained that, that discomfort with my own body was something I felt everyday and that the difference was that I could do something about it---I could take hormones and have surgeries. When I told them trying to 'fix' me would be the equivalent to someone forcing them to be the opposite gender, even though they knew they were not that gender (and only looked it). They slowly began to understand...and then became more curious about how orientation played into it. Did it mean I liked girls and that's why I wanted to be a man? No.

Obviously, choosing the transition (because you can't choose to be transgendered, but you most certaintly can choose to transition), is a difficult path. It's not only dangerous because of the hormones and their side effects, but also the surgeries, which carry risks, and of course...the social consequences should you be found out. You could be targeted for harassment or even physical assault. No parent wants their children to suffer and have a more difficult life...so they obviously choose to have you stay as you are, not realizing that staying as you are paves a much more difficult path, for you, than transitioning.

Good luck...

[jonjon]

give them time, they will come round, they just need time. Be patient, situations like this dont resolve themselves overnight.