Oh Boy time to face the music

[Audrey]

So this is the weekend where I am going to go to my hometown and talk to my parents.  I have been putting it off since I started on hormones ( 1 1/2 years) and they havent seen me in person since then.   I think I am going to bring a friend for moral support. My brother is getting married towards the end of June and I want to have "the talk" before the wedding so as not to cause undo strife and drama.  I am not sure of the outcome or even what to say really.

I know that they will probably try to change my mind and say its against god and all that stuff.  If the conversation begins to head that direction I think I will have to leave.  I mean how can I argue about religion and if its right or wrong when I am not religious at all and they are newly confirmed catholics.  Anyway any advice is appreciated and wish me luck.

Audrey

[cindybc]

Hi, Audrey,  I really don't know what to tell you about coming out to family, it was a bummer for me but I just let them go their way and I went mine, didn't have much choice in the matter.

But I like what Kiera has said and I do pray that all will work out. And please, hon, whatever happens, I pray that you will share with me what the final results were. I really do pray it all works out, and it will not be necessary for you to leave, but I believe it may be necessary to do so at any sign of hostilities as you have pointed out yourself, especially on a touchy subject like religion. That doesn't make you a weakling, just smart. Take care.

Giggle sister Cindy 

[Wing Walker]

Hi, Audrey,

So you're going home after a year and a half away and you're making a progress report, nothing more and nothing less.

I say that because I know that the last place I would go for support in any venture would be to my own loving family.  I don't care if you start selling something from your home, go in the insurance and real estate business, open a body shop or any other venture.  Everyone, parents and siblings, tend to see any family member who strikes off on their own as the child they reared or grew up with.  They never see that child as an adult, fully-grown and capable of success in whatever endeavour they so desire.  They never believe that the family member can make a responsible, informed decision.

They hate to lose whatever control or sway that they perceive that they have over the family member who has taken control of their own life.

I left home when I was 18 and I have never looked back.  I came to them to earn their business and they refused to allow me to compete.  I told them that I was transitioning in 2002 and I met with shock and disdain from the family with whom I was still speaking.  I ain't turned back and I am doing as I have done since 2002, that is, living my life as I see fit and you must do the same.

I was reared in a strong Catholic family.  Religion has no place in any discussions, trust me on that.  I believe that only the uninformed or unenlightened will take on the mantle of speaking for the Creator. 

If conflict comes in, leave, as it will never be resolved.  Personally, I could not care less what ***anyone*** thinks.  I have no idea of how many "family" events to which I have not been invited since I told them who is in charge of my life in 2002. 

Wing Walker
Flyin' My Own Way Since 1969

[Rachael]

Talking face to face: good, it shows you respect them enough.

Its been a year and a half... they may take that as a breach of trust, mine did.

catholic: oops fail

do they KNOW about it at all audrey? its going to be a massive shock if they dont. I think thats the key part...

or is this just seeing you for the first time?
R >

[gina]

Not to know how it would have worked for my parents (both deceased) and to come out still upsets me, but I know the feeling I remember quite well coming out to my wife and oldest daughter and feeling like something other than human..but that was my experience...works out different for alot and does not always have to be painful. All I could say is I wish it works out smoothly for you, and remember to stay strong alot of us know exactly how you feel right now.

[NicholeW.]

Audrey,

Perhaps you don't see yourself in quite the way I imagine you are seen. But, I'd suggest that coming up the drive or through the yard with them watching will be enough for them to 'know' what you've been up to for the past 1 1/2 years. 

At that point I would imagine you can rest assured that the topic is 'broached.' But, their belief, their hopes and desires for your life have a long history and will not just go away because you have made your decision to transition. There's bound to be some dissonance there with all concerned. Try to remain 'in the room' and try to understand when you get there that they are being asked to 'incorporate' that which they have had no time to even know about yet. At least you've had a few years of weighing and deciding, facing you.

It will take some time for them, I would guess, whether or not they are recently confirmed Catholics. So don't set the bar too high on acceptance and embracing behavior from them. This will be a huge adjustment and it will take lotsa time before, or if, they make it. Or, at least go in expecting that it will take lots of time. If it doesn't you won't be surprised and if it does you'll be that much more fulfilled.

As for arguing religion with them, you're not supposed to. They have their beliefs and they will try to fit you into that in some way. Just listen. It's something they will work-out or not. But, more often than not, people just want to be heard. It doesn't require argument, just an ear or two. And, their arguments don't really seem to have much of a place in what you are doing, otherwise this talk and what they think would already be in play in your transition. Hear them and try to understand what they are saying, because, almost surely, they will be talking about themselves more than they will be talking about you. If you're going to question, question about what feelings this transition brings up for them, the way it impacts their hopes for you, the way they fear or embrace the way your actions will affect what they want others to see about themselves. Make the conversation about them more than about you.

All the best,

Nichole

[Kate]

I know that they will probably try to change my mind and say its against god and all that stuff.  If the conversation begins to head that direction I think I will have to leave.  I mean how can I argue about religion...

I gave up trying to argue those points, as I never got anywhere with it. Some people will do whatever it takes to hold their worldview together, even at the expense of demeaning those they love. On the other hand, nearly everyone I know and work with is extremely christian and active in their churches. And yet, all of them have been wonderful to me. So you just never know. It's quite possible for someone to consider it all a huge sin, and yet respect our change at the same time.

As Rachel asked, I'm curious to know if they know about your change? Have you been speaking with them? What's your relationship with them like right now?

~Kate~

[Keira]

Considering how you look and if you great them with a smile,
don't see how they can do anything but accept you as is.

Most parents, even the most conservatives, want their children to be happy,
its an innate thing.

[Audrey]

Just to clarify they have known I was changing for a while, they just haven't seen me in person yet.  We have talked about it a little on the phone but they want to do it face to face which is fine.  I am just wary that it may be a boobie trap.  They were civil last time I talked to them on the phone about it, however they have been known to do an about face when least expected.  I kind of suspect that they want to see how I present myself and how I look to make sure no one will raise  a stink at my bros. wedding.  Maybe they think that I am the stereotypical "->-bleeped-<-" who knows.  I  am actually going to postpone the meeting until june 6-7 so i can visit a friend in town also.

Audrey

[Rachael]

yeah, its a test.... But, they want to see if thier child is happy. Be you, dont put anything on... be the daughter they always had, even when she wore the cloak of son.
R >

[cindybc]

Hi, Audrey, hon, you look a million miles from being a stereotypical "->-bleeped-<-", not even a stereo totin' ->-bleeped-<-. Well hon I think there has been some really good advice given here by other caring members of the group. Just play it by ear and just be Audrey.

Quote from Kate

On the other hand, nearly everyone I know and work with is extremely christian and active in their churches. And yet, all of them have been wonderful to me. So you just never know. It's quite possible for someone to consider it all a huge sin, and yet respect our change at the same time.

My sister, for the first two years after my coming out full time, kept sending me religious holiday cards then the cards just stopped coming. I am truly saddened that it didn't work between my sister and I. Growing up we were as close as twins. So one never knows which way the wind will blow. As I have promised in an earlier post, you will continue to be in my prayers that all goes well. It is wonderful to see all the support you have received from the group.

Cindy

[Nigella]

Audrey,

I just told my parents a few months ago and before that I thought they would disown me. Nothing could have been further from the truth. They were great, I'm not sure they fully understand why but they have accepted me the way I am. I think playing it by ear is a good way and don't force anything. Let them ask questions and be ready to answer honestly and sincerely with love. You will always be their little child. If arguments start calm down, I always think if you start an argument even unintentionally you immediately loose the argument. Also be yourself.

Hugs

Nigella