A missed Opportunity to talk more???

[raven]

Something happened last night, and I'm not sure if I had said  the right thing.  Well I guess that it all started in the morning, inside Edition ran a commercial about a woman married to a cross dresser.  My wife turned me and asked why can't you be just crossdresser.  I paused for a moment, her statement made me angry.  Maybe I said the wrong thing, but I said to her why can't you just be a man you can't change what you are any more than one I can change what I am. after I spoke those words I regretted set not saying what does it matter you would want me to be that anymore either.  But I never spoke those words she could tell that had offended me and she apologized and said that she didn't mean to upset me. 

There was pretty much the end of the discussion for the morning.  Later that evening after inside Edition ran their story, there was discussion about cross dressers verses Transgender.  She asked how you know that guy is not  transgendered? Maybe he's just afraid to admit that he ' s transgendered.  And I said like it's any easier to come out admit that your a crossdresser.  She made a comment, about them having pretty nice relationship and I said that's really cool that he's got such a supportive wife.  Then she says well maybe she knew before they got married? I said it we talked about it before we got married.  And she said yeah but I don't believe you.  And last year really devastated me.  I felt awful and I apologized said I am sorry.  She said it was the most horrific thing to ever happen to me.  I said I'm sorry again.  And the conversation ended there. 

This morning just before she left for school, she mentioned that article again.  She said that ' s really cool that crossdresser has such a support of wife.  I said yes it is.  We kissed said I love you and and she left for school.  I was really impressed with the fact that we had these discussions without turning into a big fight.  There are things that I still wish I'd said maybe not the same way I want to when I was hurt a by her first comment.  I wonder if she is thinking that might be OK for me to go out sometimes dressed as a woman.  I would like to talk her about this, but I am afraid.  I am still haunted by her comments that I look horrible dressed up, that there is nothing I can do to not look like a man in dress.  Comments about people snickering and giving me strange looks.  Although I already know, that people usually don't notice, because I have been out dressed up a few times that she doesn't know about. 

I guess the question that I have now is, should I open the discussion about her I going out dressed up? How do I bring this up so it doesn't become a big fight.  Or do I just leave it alone for a while? And then about going out dressed up there are issues off shaving my legs and chest that caused our last huge fight and in the interest of peace I quit shaving.  So I am afraid to bring up that without dredging up feelings or emotions from the last fight.

[Melissa]

Remember that when you come out to a spouse, they go through stages similar to coping with death.

Just like you probably had a hard time accepting that your were TS, I am sure your wife is feeling that way.  It's not that she doesn't believe you, but that she was in denial.  The question about why can't you just be a crossdresser, is actually a form of the bargaining stage.  My wife said something very similar to me.  The fact that she is progressing through the stages, means she is moving towards acceptance.

About whether to tell her, is something you should really decide.  Do you want to be completely honest with her, or you you want to give her a little mor einfo at a time while you wait for her to move closer to acceptance.

My wife went through very similar stages to death and finally came to acceptance and now fully accepts me as a woman.  However, this had the obvious consequence of her not wanting to be married to a woman.

Melissa

[gina_taylor]

That was very well said Melissa. My mother has expressed the same feelings to me that when I decide to become my woman self, she will accept that her son is dead. Now I realize that that is taking things to the extreme, but she'll never accept me as a woman and so I will be dead to her. I'm really happy for you that your wife has accepted you as your true self. 

But here is just a thought. Don't we all start off as cross-dressers, and  then when we cross that line and accept ourselves that we are more than just men that want to wear women's clothes that we then cross the boundary line and become a transgender

Gina 

[Melissa]

Perhaps in awareness, but not necessarily in cause.  In other words, some of us may be aware that we have a desire to wear female clothes before we realize why.  Others may realize the cause without ever having dressed in female clothes.  The cause has to be there first though in all cases.

Melissa

[Kate]

But here is just a thought. Don't we all start off as cross-dressers, and  then when we cross that line and accept ourselves that we are more than just men that want to wear women's clothes that we then cross the boundary line and become a transgender

I've read of it evolving both ways:

Some start as crossdressers and later realize that transsexualism is their motivation for it...

And some start as transsexuals and later realize that crossdressing can help them cope (for awhile)...

[HelenW]

It's really hard to come up with an answer to your questions because we don't know your wife, who she is and how she deals with things.

I have been going through the various stages of dealing with my wife in relation to my ->-bleeped-<- and the overall thing I can suggest is to give your wife time and space to consider what you are going through - no matter how much you want to charge ahead.  Very tough, I know quite well, but time is what she probably needs the most.

The second thing that I would suggest is to offer her sources of information about ->-bleeped-<- such as websites, books, Wiki pages, etc. that can dispel some of the misconceptions that she might have about it.  Don't push too hard, though, just make it available.  Her being willing to look at that stuff might take months.  It took my wife upwards of 6 or 7 months before she felt able to read the book, True Selves by Mildred Brown and Chloe Rounsley. (A book that I heartily recommend you buy for your own sake, if you haven't read it yet, as well as for hers.)

And lastly, I have always tried to be certain that the battles I chose were worthwhile - a sensitive judgement call that only you can make.  The only thing that I refused to take was any hint of ridicule or any kind of dismissive attitude on her part.  I had to make sure my wife knew this was a serious and important issue for me.

My wife accompanies me when I go to my therapist's (it's a long drive - good opportunity to talk).  She had two or three sessions with him by herself and for the last two sessions we have gone in together.  This has helped a great deal also.

The wives of transsexuals really get a raw deal, if you think about it honestly, from their point of view.  For them to accept it means that they must accept the loss of their husband, the loss of their dreams and plans and, quite possibly, the loss of the esteem that their friends and family have for them, even if they don't stay with their spouse.  The fears that they encounter from this are very real too.  The transwoman gets her ultimate dream and the wife gets left behind.  Try to remember that (yeah, I forget too) when you relate to her and it might make it easier to be patient.

helen

[Melissa]

The transwoman gets her ultimate dream and the wife gets left behind.

I don't know if this is how you really look at it, but I wouldn't call being a woman, my ultimate dream.  This is just for the purpose of living a normal life without the constant burden of gender dysphoria.  I have been told that it never completely goes away, but it ends up being much better than before.  So for me, "ultimate dream" is not the right choice of words.  I would just finally get what everyone else has.

Melissa

[tinkerbell]

Hi Raven:
The reaction for many SO's is usually anger, for they perceive our transition as a deception and  betrayal.  In my case, my husband (then my boyfriend) was furious that I kept such a big secret from him.  However, these were his initial reactions, and things became much better with time.
Raven, time is the best remedy for everything.   You just have to give your wife enough time to assimilate everything she's going through right now.  Later on, perhaps you both will find alternatives to deal with the changes in your marriage.  Wish you the very best!

tinkerbell

[gina_taylor]

I've read of it evolving both ways:

Some start as crossdressers and later realize that transsexualism is their motivation for it...

And some start as transsexuals and later realize that crossdressing can help them cope (for awhile)...

That's a very good point there Kate.  For me, I started a s a cross-dresser and then I realized that transsexualism was my motivation for it.

Gina 

[Hazumu]

... Don't we all start off as cross-dressers, and  then when we cross that line and accept ourselves that we are more than just men that want to wear women's clothes that we then cross the boundary line and become a transgender

I didn't really crossdress, which had my therapist thrown for a loop because I didn't fit the pattern.  My guilty pleasure was stories of gender-crossers -- I remember watching with rapt attention the Phil Donahue show featuring Wendy Carlos, for example, telling myself the interest was merely academic, and hiding in fear from the fact I really wanted to do what she had done.  And there were other things -- reading Ranma comics, catching myself identifying with female characters in movies and TV shows, or admiring women on the street and suddenly realizing with a shock that I didn't want to be WITH her, but BE her...

...it was almost as if I'd had aversion therapy, as in Clockwork Orange, and the very thing I was attracted to paradoxically worked to keep me away.

The good news is the alarms and mechanisms are now mostly disabled -- the bad news is the impact on my budget--

Karen

[Robyn]

The reaction for many SO's is usually anger, for they perceive our transition as a deception and  betrayal. 
tinkerbell

Five stages of grief:

The five stages are:

· Denial
· Anger
· Bargaining
· Depression
· Acceptance

I am more familiar with the SOs of trassexuals than of the crossdresser component of the transgender community.  Several wives I know have gone through these stages of grieving.  All have reached acceptance eventually, with their acceptance ranging from being a happy couple to being a divorced woman, an ex-spouse. 

My ex never went through the bargaining stage with me.  I tried to bargain with everything from not going out to just a nightgown to giving it up entirely.  She wasn't interested and knew sooner than I that it wouldn't have worked.

She went through a much gretaer and longer depression than I did after we separated. 
she may still have twinges, but she has welcomed me and my husband into her home.  Still, there is something in her nervous laugh...

Robyn

[stephanie_craxford]

I have to agree Robyn.

Gillian has gone through each of these stages and passing through each has it's own issues and emotions that must be dealt with before moving to the next.  I remember that it was pretty rough going at times.  At this point in time I believe that she has finally reach the acceptance stage, however the only person who would know for sure would be Gill, and i would never presume to speak for her.

Steph

[gina_taylor]

Karen, the beginning of your post reminds me of a session that I had with my therapist, where she had said almost the same thing. Looking through the diagnostic book, she had pointed out to me that there were some things that I could associate with, but like yourself, I just didn't quite fit the pattern of a transsexual. But should that stop me from being who I am? 

Hey Robyn,

The Five stages of grief. This is something that I'm going to have to ask my parents about, since I'm not yet married, but my boyfreind does accept and support me 100% However, recently, my parents have told me that they have accepted what I am, and that there is nothing that tehy can do about it. The only problmes I'm currently having right now is moving up to the next step of transitioning, which is that I'd like to start living full time.

Hey Stephanie,

It's really nice to hear that everything is going well, even  though you've been through some of the mundane problems that we all go through. Take it slow and you'll cover all the areas and I'm sure that you and Gillian will be the best of friends. I'm sure that you're really looking forward to that final stage of your transition. 

Gina