confused & depressed

[Softwolfdreams]

I'm new to all of this and don't really know where to start. So I'll start by saying that my b/f "alphabetsoup " started taking hormones the last of January. He is transitioning from MTF. Its been confusing to me, mainly because I don't understand what he is going through. We talk about it all the time. Since we live in a small closed-minded area, I worry about our safety, esp his.
I also worry about what the church would say, I am a Christian and have Christian friends as well as non-Churchgoing friends( I hope that this didn't offend or upset anyone. If it did, then please accept my apology). I guess being born and raised in a small rural community (except for the time that I lived in Indianapolis with my mom and stepdad.)I have certain values and sometimes I think that they may have been blown to bits!!! Don't get me wrong when I say that, I love Alphabet soup and He is doing a whole lot better mentally since he started the hormones.
Sometimes I feel like someone that I love dearly is slowly dieing in front of my eyes, but yet like the Phoenix there is a new person slowly emerging out of the ashes!!! Is this a normal feeling? Sometimes I'm confussed by it all!!! I just don't know whats in my head and how my brain is handling things!!! I think I have been using my brother's birthday as an excuse for my depression this week, his b-day would have been May 28 (he passed on Nov 20th 2007, three days after mine). It could also be that I'm a little bit apprehensive going to a support group meeting this weekend or it could be that I'm stressing out because its a holiday weekend and thinking about my brother, Joe and all the fun times we had. It seems like this week, I have done nothing but cried my eyes out because I have been so confused & depressed.
I actually don't know. I'm also worried how our families will except the changes in Alphabetsoup's life. This weekend will be a real big test as his nephew is graduating and we are going to the graduation party on Sunday. I think we will miss graduation on Saturday because we have the support meeting to go to.
Anyway, I think I'm actually looking forward to Saturday's meeting, it'll be different but maybe there will be someone there who is going through the same thing that I'm going through ( I hope so!!!). Its really depressing because in this small rural area there is NO-ONE to talk to that would understand what we are going through. The closest group is about 2 hours away. Thank God for computers and the internet!!!!!

[Laura91]

Well, coming here was a good start. There is plenty of info for you to check out that may help you deal with this. Welcome to the forum.

[gennee]

Welcome to the site.  There are plenty of people ad forums that can help you sort out your feelings.
If I can help let me know.

Gennee

[NicholeW.]

Welcome to Susan's, Softwolfdreams,

Neat usename, Dreams, the wolf is my totem. She walks with me. So, a soft wolf dreamer appeals to me from the start.

I'm so sorry for your confusion and depression. Transition is such a difficult time for transitioners, but I think it's even worse for the SOs of transitioners. To care and love someone whose life is radically changing while you are on the outside and puzzled and unable to discover exactly what you need and can do to support is maybe the hardest life. It seems that way to me anyhow.

Make yourself at home and any way the members here can help and support you we will.

Please take some time to read The Site Rules and on The Main Page you can discover Links, Chat and Wiki for your use as well. You might also want to go to the "Announcements" section and read the two posts "Post Ranks" and "Reputation Rules" to help you with some knowledge about when you can apply your own avatars, PM, and what those lil stars mean beneath all of our names and how to get them for yourself as well!!

It's great to have you here! Enjoy your stay.

Nichole

[Haru]

This must be very hard for you, and the fact that your still sticking with him through this despite your religion, and the awkward social aspects it causes for the transitioners friends and family, is a something that many weaker willed women, would have fled from. If my guess means anything, just the fact that you haven't abandoned him, and you are trying your best to understand his feelings, are far more than most could hope for.

For stress relief I suggest buying yourself a small punching bag, whenever your mind is bogged with doubts and fears, and your heart weighed down with stress, it can be a great mental relief (and a good workout) to just lose yourself in the mindless, primal rhythm of physical exertion. when your body is ppushed to its limits it has no time to focus on the stress, so physical activity, like punching, or jogging, can be a very good relief from your worries and uncertainties

and try not to bottle things up, if you need to cry then just cry. holding things in will only hurt you.

good luck and keep your spirits up hun. 

[greeneyedgirl]

Hey SoftWolfDreams!

First, welcome, second don't feel alone.  There are lots of people in the 'verse who are sharing your journey with you on all sides of the equation.  I can say from my own experience that it is very much like a Phoenix, but the alternative is much, much worse.  I transitioned when I finally realized I could no long live the way I was.  I transitioned when my husband, who couldn't, wouldn't do anything about his problem let the stress of it all eat him up inside.  When we got married, I pretended to be the groom, he pretended to be the bride, and we figured we'd sort it all later.

It's later now.  It's later and I'm a widow.

November of 2003 was really hard for me.  My husband suffered two heart attacks (one right in front of me) and one of my brother's died too.  So I know, all too well how much this all can, and does hurt.  It's okay and normal to feel what you are feeling, and it all takes time.  Give yourself permission to heal, grow, and embrace life once again and you'll get there when you are ready.

In the meantime, there are plenty of people to talk to, to share with, who know what you are going through.  You might also want to go over to http://www.myhusbandbetty.com and get to know Helen Boyd some.  She's written two great bucks on the subject of getting married to a man, and now having that man be a wonderful women named Betty.

As to the folks at the church, well last I checked, bigotry isn't a value.  God loves all his children in whatever shape they may start out as, and what form they may become.  If they are really good honest, God loving church folks they will love Alphabet soup regardless.  If they start spitting out stuff from Leviticus then they are trying to hide their own ignorance and narrow minded bigotry behind Bible verse they don't even understand.  Just have them read Matthew 7:1-8 and if they still don't get it, don't talk to them anymore.  God, loves everyone, all his children, and has blessed us with freewill.  Jesus has died on the cross for everyone's sins, including being ignorant biggots, but it's not an excuse for them to hurt and judge others.  If that church has a problem, there are other good ones out there that will not.

I know how hard it is, and how much confusion and uncertainty surround this particular journey.  At the end of the day it's about love, health, truth, and freedom.  God my friend is in the heart, not in body parts.

Take it slow and you'll both be fine.

Hugs,

Sam