Oddball question

[MaggieB]

I have a serious question that may seem laughable but it is not.

What kind of a relationship label is applicable for two non related unmarried women, living together, committed not to date anyone and to live together forever, tell each other that they love the other, kiss each other on the lips, hug daily but sleep in separate rooms and do not have sex? One woman is interested in sex with the other but she is not interested. They would sleep together but they both snore and sleep lightly so they have separate bedrooms. To me the answer that most would give is that they are in a lesbian relationship. What else could it be called?

It is also true that they were once married and have an adult daughter because one is a MTF transexual. I am that MtF and my partner is trying to establish some kind of civil union thing to describe us but wants it very clear to all that she is not a lesbian. She says that she does not consider us married anymore but does not want to separate or for either of us to date someone else.

I am full time and I pass most of the time. We have just moved into a new house that we are renting. The neighbors have not come by to introduce yet and may never since it is California but who shall we say we are? Sisters? Where is my husband? Where is my partners husband? We have an adult daughter living with us too. We all have the same last name. What is our relationship to the outside world? To me it is OK to say we are partners and let them think anything they want. That is very not wanted by my partner.

If it walks like a duck.... quacks like a duck... isn't it a ....

[Sarah Louise]

In California that would be called Domestic Partners.


Sarah L.

[MaggieB]

I agree and mentioned that we are "Domestic Partners" but she says that is for gays and lesbians. I mentioned that legally even same sex hetero seniors can be listed as Domestic Partners.  She wants to avoid any stigma.  I should say that we can't legally get that designation because legally we are still married. We would have to divorce and apply for one. However, now in California, it would be called Married.....

[Sheila]

Maggie, I have the same kind of arrangement, except we sleep together, well sometimes she sleeps in the other room when I have asthma and I snore. We are still married though. I call us partners but I have heard my wife call me her friend. Most of the people she knows and works with all know me. I worked with them also. I don't work there anymore. She also does not consider us lesbians and I don't either. We are not intimate, not even with the kiss anymore. We basically live together because we have been together for a long time, since High School and we really don't want to date anyone and economically it works well with us. If we were to split up, we could not afford the lifestyle we have enjoyed and worked a long time for. So far it has worked. My eyes have been wondering but that is all, just wondering.
Sheila

[Kate]

What kind of a relationship label is applicable...

Are you looking for a legal term? Or something you can use when introducing yourself to people?

I still haven't figured out anything appropriate for my "wife" and I. For the most part, we just go by first names ("this is Kate...") without adding any labels, letting people draw their own conclusions.

I'm in a similar situation, except we don't touch one another or feel any sexual interests, although we do love one another and generally enjoy cooperating and doing life things together. We're certainly not married (in spirit anyway), not really Domestic Partners even, not "partners" in any romantic sense, yet more than just friends since we're committed to a monogamous (though sexless) relationship.

~Kate~

[MaggieB]

I am not seeking a legal determination. We are legally married and neither of us is contemplating divorce.  Rather, it is how we describe ourselves. Frankly, I am not satisfied with the situation and am quite lonely. She did distance herself from me and that has been very hard. I read Amanda's story about how her SO who hopped her bones one night and so wish to have that for myself again someday. Pigs will fall from the sky first though....

I didn't really expect that there was a descriptor that really would fit this "relationship". I think, perhaps, a new word needs to be created. So we will muddle through with me and her acting out different views of what we are. Most days we are OK but sometimes it gets weird again. It is a work in progress.

[Kate]

We are legally married and neither of us is contemplating divorce...

If you don't mind my asking... do you both still wear your wedding rings?

My wife hasn't worn hers for many years (practical reasons, not as a statement), but I still wear mine... and feel awful about it. To me, it represents a promise I failed to keep... making it look and feel like I'm STILL "leading her on" with false hope. But I fear if I said as much, she'd take it as me wanting to separate, as the beginning of that move. But heck, I'd be willing to buy NEW rings symbolizing our relationship, whatever it is.

It's all so confusing...

~Kate~

[MaggieB]

We do wear the rings but with some differences. She reversed the order so the engagement ring is on the outside. She has also taken them off once recently. She gave me an engagement ring. I have the picture and story on my blog: http://www.bengco.com/KayBlog/?paged=2

Today, however, since she now says we aren't married, I moved the band to the right pinky finger and left the engagement ring there. If we come back to the idea that we are married, I will move it back to the ring finger.

I too feel deep feelings of letting her down in that she never wanted to marry a woman. I lost a battle that could not be won but still it hurts from time to time to remember what was.  I do still love that woman and so want to be as close as we once were.

[Alyssa M.]

What kind of a relationship label is applicable...

"companion"

[Lisbeth]

The relationship you describe falls under the label "Boston Marriage."

[MaggieB]

The relationship you describe falls under the label "Boston Marriage."

Yes, That IS IT! Thank you!

[Shana A]

The relationship you describe falls under the label "Boston Marriage."

I think the meaning of "Boston Marriage" has evolved since the 19th century. 

Z

[Kate]

We do wear the rings but with some differences. She reversed the order so the engagement ring is on the outside. She has also taken them off once recently. She gave me an engagement ring. I have the picture and story on my blog: http://www.bengco.com/KayBlog/?paged=2.

It's very pretty

she never wanted to marry a woman...

The sad thing is neither did I. But I wanted a fulltime girlfriend to make up for my missed girlhood, so I trapped her into being mine, lured by promises and hopes I knew I'd never keep.

~Kate~

[Lisbeth]

The relationship you describe falls under the label "Boston Marriage."

Yes, That IS IT! Thank you!

You're welcome.

[Beyond]

I am not seeking a legal determination. We are legally married and neither of us is contemplating divorce.  Rather, it is how we describe ourselves.

How about it's a "very close, but plutonic relationship"?

[Kim]

As most here knows I hate labelling everything. Why does a relationship need to be labelled. If you and your wife are happy so be it-you are two women who love each other. I am sure most of us when we introduce a spouse or date etc to someone we really don't need to announce they are my wife or partner etc - just this is "name". If the question arises then you just say she (or he in some cases) is someone who loves me and makes me feel special.
My wife doesn't like to be called a lesbian either but she is happy being with me as wife and wife as we are. But she did like a comment we got in church one day. A sweet lil' older lady leaned forward after mass and told me that I and my life partner have beautiful children. My wife seems to like that term if anyone presses us for a label on ourselves. But for the most part she introduces me by name if its not someone I already know and vice versa.
    Just be happy together and let people write their own labels. I find it doesn't really matter what you call yourselves because people will usually scribble it out for their own label anyways!!
                                       Kim   

[Sandy]

Maggie:
It really almost doesn't matter what you call yourselves.  People who meet you will assign a label to you regardless of what you say.

If Boston Marriage feels right for you two then go for it!

-Sandy

[MaggieB]

Sadly, when I told my SO about it she got angry and didn't want to use that term. She prefers not to label at all and yet she doesn't want to be seen as married to a woman. It is difficult. She says "housemate" would be better if pushed to say.

Maggie

[Kate]

Sadly, when I told my SO about it she got angry and didn't want to use that term. She prefers not to label at all and yet she doesn't want to be seen as married to a woman. It is difficult. She says "housemate" would be better if pushed to say.

What label would *you* use to introduce her, if you had your choice?

~Kate~

[MaggieB]

We are in a state of flux where one day I would say "my lover", another "my partner" and another a very unflattering appellation.  Most of the time, I think of her as my partner.