Coming out to the boyfriend

[Terra]

I swear, one of these days i'm gonna sell the rights to reproduce my life to a soap opera. That will get me rich.

In all seriousness, i'm debating on the best way to come out to my BF. I don't think he would be violent, as he has said in the past that he cares more for a person's mind then body. He is also from india, where they have a 'third gender' population that is accepted, i think. He leaves at the end of next month to go work in California. He also is one of my roommates.

We went on one date, and we had a blast. He also mentioned that I can pick up the tab for our next date. Upon hearing that I was thrilled, but am also worried. I've heard of many relationships going bad after being presented with our unique problem.

So has anyone else been in a similar situation with a guy? Any advice on how to best approach it?

[offthesidewalk]

i haven't been in a similar situation ever, but one question that keeps popping up in my head; why would you want to tell after only one date?

i mean, get to know each other better, at least. that's my opinion.
*hugs*

[Terra]

i haven't been in a similar situation ever, but one question that keeps popping up in my head; why would you want to tell after only one date?

i mean, get to know each other better, at least. that's my opinion.
*hugs*

Its kinda the 'tell 'em now or later' debate. I feel I should warn him that i'm not an ordinary woman, but I also don't want to shoot the relationship in the foot either. Half of me wants to tell him now, the other wants him to get to know me better before I tell him.

[offthesidewalk]

Sweety, my common sense is just telling me that if you tell him too soon then he's going to pre-judge you and all will be lost anyway.
it's not like coming out to family, at least they know you for a very long time.
i understand, that getting to know someone very very very well, enforces the fear of rejection later on- but i think it might be a bit too early to tell him now, is all. lets hear what the other girls think, at least.
*hugs*

Posted on: 26-05-2008, 00:14:02... *ahem*. i said: "lets hear what the other girls think".

*looks across the room*

[Rachael]

do it now, before you get too emotionally involved... trust me, i put it off 3 months, and it hurt so much
R >

[jenny_]

I wouldn't tell straight away, especially not after 1 or 2 dates.  I don't like telling anyone until I know them a little first, and had a chance to gauge their reaction.

But then rachael's right, its gonna hurt if you put it off for ages and it goes wrong.  Its probably better to know how they'll respond sooner rather than later.

Its a difficult decision, and I'm really not being much use!  I hope it goes well with him whatever you decide. *hugs*

[sneakersjay]

I'm currently not dating (and don't plan to until further into my transition; I have some issues to sort out first... ) but when I start I figure I'll tell only if I think there is something there that we might end up physical at some point.  Not on the first or second date, but not 3 months into it either.  I figure I'll take it on a case by case basis (though who am I kidding, I've only seriously dated 3 people in my life and I'm 47... )

Jay

[Janet_Girl]

Seeing that he is from India, and might be familar with the third gender.  Rent Transamerica,  the two of you watch it and gauge his reactions.  Just a thought.

I wonder if we would be better off dating someone like ourselves.  You know MtF dating FtM, or would that be too weird.

,
Janet

[sneakersjay]

I wonder if we would be better off dating someone like ourselves.  You know MtF dating FtM, or would that be too weird.

,
Janet

I'm open to that possibility, definitely.

Jay

[Terra]

I wonder if we would be better off dating someone like ourselves.  You know MtF dating FtM, or would that be too weird.

,
Janet

I'm not sure how that would work out. Two people dating with conditions that cause a high level of paranoia? (With good reason too) It could work, and I have heard it working. However I would question how often it works out.

As for the BF I guess it has sorta been decided. He told me that I should know him well enough by now from how often we talk. One date sure, but we talk alot. Thats one of my prerequisites because I value mind over body. So after our next date I'll tell him, and he said even if we don't date anymore we should still be friends.

I'm numb, don't know whether to be excited or scared beyond belief now. Guess we will see on the next date.

[Rachael]

haha, id never date a transperson.... one transperson in a relationship is enough stress... 2 is asking for trouble...
R >

[lacitychick21]

Um, I'm probably alone on this one, but I don't even go on a single date unless they know.

I'm assuming we're talking about dating boys here, and that you're pre-op. (I think rules slightly change when you're post.) And also, I think "passability" is a very real variable here (unfortunately, but i think it's a variable that comes into play in all our lives in some way and in varying degrees). How "surprised" will he be if you told him? Rules change if you met him in a "liberal part of town" or through a "gay friend" than if you met him in a "straight bar in a conservative part of town" or a "religious anti same-sex marriage campaign."

That said, I've found boys to be weird creatures. They seem to feel easily "owed." What I mean by that is:

They buy you a drink, you owe them something.
They take you on a date and pay, you owe them something...etc

And when they feel "owed," pulling the rug out from under them makes them feel "taken" like you some how ripped them off. OK, if you've read this far you're at least trying to follow me, thanks. LoL Allow me to further articulate.

When they feel "owed" and you tell them, they tend to react in a less favorable way than if you were to be upfront. I don't think going on a number of dates affects whether or not they will be "OK" with it in the end. It does, however, give them an opportunity to react in a bad way.

A man you tell, after dating, that is "OK" with it will tend to be more upset for "lying" for a short duration of time, than if you had originally been "honest." A man you tell, after dating, that is not "OK" with it may get violent/angry/physical/loud, when he may have just said "ew, no thanks" if you told him prior to dating.

I'd rather just tell and skim the negative boys off the top. I think it presents less danger. If a guy automatically doesn't want to "get to know me" after that, then so be it. I think it's better than hoping "love" or "chemistry" will aide a man into overlooking that little detail.

These are my findings, anyway.

[Terra]

Um, I'm probably alone on this one, but I don't even go on a single date unless they know.

I'm assuming we're talking about dating boys here, and that you're pre-op. (I think rules slightly change when you're post.) And also, I think "passability" is a very real variable here (unfortunately, but i think it's a variable that comes into play in all our lives in some way and in varying degrees). How "surprised" will he be if you told him? Rules change if you met him in a "liberal part of town" or through a "gay friend" than if you met him in a "straight bar in a conservative part of town" or a "religious anti same-sex marriage campaign."

That said, I've found boys to be weird creatures. They seem to feel easily "owed." What I mean by that is:

They buy you a drink, you owe them something.
They take you on a date and pay, you owe them something...etc

And when they feel "owed," pulling the rug out from under them makes them feel "taken" like you some how ripped them off. OK, if you've read this far you're at least trying to follow me, thanks. LoL Allow me to further articulate.

When they feel "owed" and you tell them, they tend to react in a less favorable way than if you were to be upfront. I don't think going on a number of dates affects whether or not they will be "OK" with it in the end. It does, however, give them an opportunity to react in a bad way.

A man you tell, after dating, that is "OK" with it will tend to be more upset for "lying" for a short duration of time, than if you had originally been "honest." A man you tell, after dating, that is not "OK" with it may get violent/angry/physical/loud, when he may have just said "ew, no thanks" if you told him prior to dating.

I'd rather just tell and skim the negative boys off the top. I think it presents less danger. If a guy automatically doesn't want to "get to know me" after that, then so be it. I think it's better than hoping "love" or "chemistry" will aide a man into overlooking that little detail.

These are my findings, anyway.

I agree with your assessment of men (sorry guys) but I disagree about telling them straight off. No matter when you tell them, its gonna be big. That's why I prefer to go on a few dates first and feel them out, its also why I stick to what I look for in a guy and not a one night stand.

I figure if a guy is reasonably intelligent and seems to be a bit liberal, it has a better chance of working out. I also feel that if they get to know me then suddenly finding out I was born a boy and live as a woman now might be easier to swallow. After all, most people are of the line of thinking that you are born with a 'something' that makes you a boy or girl. Dunno if that is 100% true, but i've had enough people tell me that they can't possibly think of me as a boy, and i'm a really tall woman.

Besides all that, i'm in a small town and trying as much as possible to keep the fact i'm in transition on the down low. Coming out to every boy before a date and getting lots of rejections is not a good way to keep a secret.

[lacitychick21]

I agree with your assessment of men (sorry guys) but I disagree about telling them straight off. No matter when you tell them, its gonna be big. That's why I prefer to go on a few dates first and feel them out, its also why I stick to what I look for in a guy and not a one night stand.

I figure if a guy is reasonably intelligent and seems to be a bit liberal, it has a better chance of working out. I also feel that if they get to know me then suddenly finding out I was born a boy and live as a woman now might be easier to swallow. After all, most people are of the line of thinking that you are born with a 'something' that makes you a boy or girl. Dunno if that is 100% true, but i've had enough people tell me that they can't possibly think of me as a boy, and i'm a really tall woman.

Besides all that, i'm in a small town and trying as much as possible to keep the fact i'm in transition on the down low. Coming out to every boy before a date and getting lots of rejections is not a good way to keep a secret.

OK, I should clarify after getting into a small discussion with my cohort over semantics.

I don't mean being at a bar and a guy approaches and I say, "Hi, I'm Laci. Here's my number. I'm a ->-bleeped-<-. Hugs." LoL

I've always been the type who could justify the blurring of the definition of "date" to some slight degree. "Oh, you're going to Basque tonight? I'll be there with my friends too. Cool! See you there." We hang out, he doesn't pay. I say--not a date.

I totally agree with feeling a guy out. I dunno, isn't there a pretty quick feeling you get with a guy, typically within the first encounter if not, the first few minutes? I mean a guy who insists he "loves a person's mind, not body" as per the OP, would be a safe bet. I told a guy who approached me once, after a short conversation, that I couldn't go on a "date" with him this weekend because I was going to my cousin's "same-sex union ceremony." He sneered and said, "Oh, you're OK with that?" I told him, "boys like you, murder girls like me."

He didn't get it.

So yes, feel boys out but be careful of 'owing' them. 

But I still advocate telling boys sooner than later and not dragging it out in hopes that "love will conquer all."

[tekla]

How many dates do you suggest you have before he tells you he has a wife at home? 

Some of the girls I know call it the Holy Trinity.  "Are you married?"  "Are you gay?"  "Do you have a job?"  Some things I want to know up-front and right off. 

[NicholeW.]

If you're gonna date guys seriously, then I have to agree with tekla's 'big three.' Laci makes a very good argument for telling, but how serious are you about being friends and who the heck might he tell given your location?

Whatver you decide, just keep yourself safe, Angel.

N~