How Do I Help Him???

[MarcosGirl]

Hi...my name is Pam and I'm a...ooops!  Wrong forum.  Just kidding.  Most of you know who I am (the SO of an FtoM).  I thought I would post this in here to get opinions from other FtoMs.

This weekend Marco and I went to visit my dad who is in state prison (another long story) about 3 1/2 hours north of where we live.  I know that Marco was stressed about having to show his license with the little "F" next to gender, but he went with me for support and to meet my dad.  We visited on Saturday and there seemed to be no issue.  They acknowledged him as male when we were being "processed".  Then we had to go through a metal detector which was set so sensitive that I had to rip the underwires out of my bra.  Well...Marco had his chest bound with an ace bandage that has little metal clippies.  He was really stressing about it, so I asked him if it was o.k. if I talked to the girl that had checked us in because she was the only one that saw his I.D. and she seemed very cool.  I went and explained to her the situation and she was shocked to find out Marco was not "officially" a male.  Well, her response was, if he set the metal detector off, he would have to remove the clips.  Even after I had explained to her, she still referred to him as he and was really respectful.  Although Marco was totally stressed, he walked through the metal detector without a hitch.  We both breathed a sigh of relief and went on with processing.  Well...we returned for another visit on Sunday and started the processing procedure all over again.  We checked in with our IDs and the officer acknowledged him as male and we proceeded.  Somehow, one of the guards must have had suspicion that he was not "male" to their standards and probably looked up his ID and found the little "F".  Well, he came over to Marco and called him what could have sounded like either ma'am or man and said he thought he had something in his pocket and could he stand up so he could check.  Then it seemed like everytime we turned around the guy was saying ma'am this and ma'am that.  We got in to see my dad.  The little visiting pass that we had said that there was one female and one male visiting him.  They notate it by put "1 X" and "1 M".  Well...while we were seeing my dad, one of the guards had scratched out the "1 M" and put "2 X".  I didn't look at it when we got it back at the end of our visiting session, so I didn't realize this yet.  Just a side note:  I am a very affectionate person.  I like holding Marco's hand or having my arms around him if we're standing in a line, etc.  One of the things that really gets to Marco is if someone perceives him as female, and then sees me hanging on him, then we are viewed as a lesbian couple.  I'm one that doesn't really give a flying hoot what people perceive me as, as long as I know who and what I am it doesn't matter what others may or may not think, but it really bothers Marco.  I'm not trying to say that I think he's wrong for that, we are just different in that aspect and I can understand where he is coming from.  Well...to make my long story longer...when we were getting in the van to take us back to the front of the prison, we got the "ass hole" guard again and he started in the his ma'am crap again.  Then when we were leaving the prison, you have to show your hand stamp, your IDs and the little visiting pass.  The woman looked at the pass and said "what or who do we have here?"  She looked at our IDs, then she said "Oh...o.k.".  Then after she gave our IDs back and we were walking away, but still in ear shot, she says to the other guard "It was 2 x's".  Marco was humiliated.  He freaked out and told me he didn't want me to touch him or even look at him.  I know that he wasn't trying to be mean to me.  He was angry at the situation.  But in these situations, I get all mopey because I take what he's saying personally.  He can't stand when I don't say anything to him during those times.  It's not that I am refusing to talk to him, I just honestly don't know what to say.

This is where my question FINALLY comes in.  What do I say in that situation?  I want the right words to make him feel better.  I know that is one of the worst things he goes through, and I feel totally helpless.  Being the huggy, touchy person I am, I just want to put my arms around him and tell him that love him, but I don't think he wants that.  I don't know.  Now, I do know that when I am upset and may be seeming like I am pushing people away, that is when I need to be held the most...and Marco is good about that.  I just need to know what I can do for him when he encounters ignorant people.

Sorry I ramble, but I'm a very detailed (long winded) person.  Just wanted to give you the full picture.
Thanks,
Pam

[TylerTerp]

When I get ma'amed in restaurants or wherever, my girlfriend (Alicia) will say "they don't know any better" before I can even react. And maybe that's true in some cases, but it doesn't matter when it comes down to it. I shut down. I get upset/pissed. (And I usually don't tip very well afterwards.)

I don't respond very well to affection after it happens. I feel exposed, and don't necessarily want to be touched. (But then, sometimes all I want to do is rest my head on her shoulder and have her arms around me - it's something you're going to have to gauge. Usually if we're able to leave where we are and be alone, I can open up and be more receptive.)

It's a buzzkill in a way: you're perceived as male for however long, and then someone picks up on a little femininity (or in Marco's case, they see that damned 'F') and it's all over. Any progress you feel like you were making is suddenly stripped away. Back to square one. And it's absolutely humiliating.

It's hard for me to look Alicia in the eyes after it happens. I keep wondering "what if she can see whatever it is they saw, is that how she sees me?"

I'm not sure if this is how Marco feels or not, but maybe you should just assure him that you KNOW who he really is. Eventually kind words will penetrate whatever wall he's putting up.

[Chynna]

Stick up for your MAN!

First off if marco didn't say it I would have said it to the ignorant ass guard who said mame "Umm....excuse me it's sir! " politely the first time..
If he did it again its...." OK I tried to be polite but obviously someone with a minor education like yourself doesn't understrand its SIR! Officer Dumbass MCCLURE badge number 007-jackass (But say his actual name and badge number) or should I just talk to your shift supervisor or someone hirer up because regardless of what your wanna be a real cop ass thinks your job is primarily customer service and saying MAME to someone when obviously nothing about them says woman except for there ID is just a lack of plain decent respect. or perhaps I need to take this up with your boss which I have way more than enough free time to do!"

As for Marco's response baby girl he was just upset..and theres really nothing you can do to prevent or fix that now...but if you let the ignorant ass people in the world get away with treating you like shyt the first time they will continue to do so until you do something about that...May I suggest that you go back to visit dad the very first time mr ->-bleeped-<- forms his mouth to say MAME...go right up to his face and say "I liked to speak to Your supervisor!" if he refuses say so loud even the guys in D block can hear you once you make him embarrased and feel threatened by you addressing his inappropriate behavior while on duty you'll see his change in attitude and it alwasy helps to throw in the phrase "or do I have to call my attorney while im standing here!?"

PS works extremely well if marco does it and its a hell of a condfidence booster for him....FYI you'll have some of the best SEX afterwards too!! (sorry about that last one slipped!:) )

Chynna

PPS tell Marco I got some info for him I'll PM you guys!

[Mario]

Tyler,

      Hey, I just read what Pam wrote. Pretty exact. What you said how you feel when it happens is how I feel as well. I absoultly shut down, and am beyond mad. I know it is a real bad way to be, but it just happens. I become this major ass-hole and Pam is there to take the blunt of my anger. Then I get mad at myself for treating her that way. Like you said, I wonder if she sees what they see? I don't think so but like you said you FEEL like she must. Now, it did not end there. As we were on on way home, we were hungry, had not eaten much all day so I knew we would have to get some food. At this point I did not want to go inside somewhere because now I am parinoid. We both were getting tired of fast food so decided to stop at a Denny's. I told her I swear if it happens in there I am getting up and walking out. Well, sure enough, the "older" woman who waited on us says "can I get you ladies something to drink" I was floored. We did not answer her, then she prceeds to put her hand on my arm, as if what is the deal she is thinking, and says I will give you some more time. I got up and left, Pam behind me. We drove further down another 30 miinutes or so and ended up going through a drive thru (better stuff thsn fast food though) and ate in the parking lot in the heat. So here I am again feeling as if I cannot be in public to much until SURGERY AUGUST 7TH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! If only I could go to sleep until then. Wake up and it is all over. There will be the longest six weeks of my life.

                                              Marco

[Chynna]

Head up baby Head up!!!
Walk talk!

[Mario]

Chynna,
         This is a state prison. Some of these guards as hoping for a situation like this so they can make a scene with someone like me. That is the last place I would say anything. Now, if I had already had top surgery and the F was still on my licence, then perhaps I would have ripped my shirt open and said "what did you call me"? But that is because I would feel much more secure with myself. So, as soon as we get back from my surgery with letter in hand from Dr Brownstein, the first stop in the DMV to get the F changed to an M. I do appreciate your sarchastic humor directed to the guard. You made me smile.

                                                  Marco

[Chynna]

State prison or not he still reports to someone!
As for guards hoping for a situation like that...I say grant them there wish because the whole F-ed up part about all them he he put his hands on you in any way even if its just to search you ...can you say lawsuit?
as for making a scene..To me and this is just me bring it on because my scene will be far worse than yours And I don't care where you are State agency, private sector, non profit organization....no body wants bad publicity ....By walking up to the pretensious ass and showing him your more of a man then he is by comfronting such a  LIL <insert bad word here> you would have made your point..... one way or the other of course ......that you are definitly a man (or in my case a lil bitch!  )thats just me and my little firey ass self.... I have never been known to back away from any man or woman when they deny me the right of simply living!!!!

As for the Denny's that goes back to personna you felt bad and degradate by the guards at the prision so you carried that right into the Denny's and the chickey picked up on it.....
keep your head up and Walk Tall regardless...

In any event,  I got your back baby boy Has we say around here!
Hey I got some more info for you ill PM you with my cell#

Chynna Doll

[Kimberly]

If I may pipe in for a moment?

Expect to be treated as your official information says you are.

Smile, nod, go along with it. It is not worth the possible repercussions regardless of what you feel.

YOU know who you are. The rest of the world will figure it out eventually, give them time. An in the meantime don't let it eat you up. They are incorrect, not you. It is not your worry to worry about.


Yea, I know, it is hard to convince the parts of that.

Smile though, 6 weeks will be here and gone in a flash.

[Mario]

Kimberly,

       Thanks. I know the time will be soon, just not soon enough. Chynna makes a good point, but it may also be the way I was brought up. If someone is in my face, then I don't hesitate to do or say whatever I need to. But I am not one to begin a cofrontation, but I am not afraid to be in one. I just wait for the other party to start.

                                                   Marco

[Nero]

Chynna makes a good point about standing up for yourself, but in that situation (state prison), you did exactly right, Marco.
In all other situations I never allow a slight against me to go unchallenged, but I have been on the receiving end of police brutality one too many times. I learned the hard way.
I've found it best to remain polite with cops and guards.
You say anything, you'll only exacerbate the situation.

Pam,
Unfortunately I don't have an SO to comfort me in awkward moments like that. But if I did, I would just want her to hold me. No words at all - there really are no words for something like this - just hold me.

Nero

[Chynna]

Trust me I understand police brutality all to well (being someone incarsirated once or twice in my very early youth! )
I guess I am just more ready to take an azz whipping to prove my point then I should be...Might be why I have had my butt kicked more often then I tend to remember too!
In any case my theroy is eventually you will get tired of beating on me and consent to the only logical conclusion...YOU MUST RESPECT ME BECAUSE I AM VERY MUCH WOMAN AND RIGHT.
but I apologize for assuming that someone should be as stubborn & obessesed as I am and willing to take such a risk in order just to prove a point

Oh and on a side not Nero...You'll always have a "On-line SO" has long as I have a computer!!!

Did I mention i'm single as of your last post in this thread!!! LMAO
Sorry! couldn't help it your so...irresistable boo!

CHYNNA

[Melissa]

Oh and on a side not Nero...You'll always have a "On-line SO" has long as I have a computer!!!

Yes he does...and I'll continue to be that person even when Chynna doesn't have a computer (although I don't see how that's relevant).

Melissa

[MarcosGirl]

I normally address each person individually, but the thread got away from me while I was in counseling.  Geez...look what happens when I leave for a couple of hours.  Look out Nero...now you have two women after you.  Usually people are hoping for one SO, now you have two.

Seriously, TylerTerp, Chynna, Nero and Melissa thank you for your comments and suggestions.  I just can't believe that people can look at Marco and think he's a woman.  It infuriates me too because I don't see it.  I mean...look at his picture...is that one hunky piece of man or what???

Thanks again!
Pam

[Dev]

I wish I had something positive to add regarding this post, but really all I can say it thank you.

I have a very short fuse (I blame it on the scottish half of my heritage) and it never takes much to really set me off.  Stef is always scared to approach me, talk to me or be in the same room so I am often left alone, sometimes days at a time. 

Maybe one day she can read the post here and understand how I sometimes feel and know I am not the only one who feels this way when it happens and how we all seem to feel.   I would love to have her with me and not be scared of me.  Even when I get mad at her, if she gave me time to cool off and just spent some quality time with me, she would know that her being with me works much faster at cooling me down then letting me build up more steam as the problem festers.

The responses to all the post have been wonderful and maybe they can help me and her as well.


Marco, I fully understand how you feel and Pam, Stef is like you in how she thinks and feels.  I wish I could give some additional advice, but feel I am pretty much looking at the same problems on a lesser scale.  So again, sorry I can't help, but thank you for this thread because I think it may help us all in the long run.

[MarcosGirl]

Hi Dev,
        Thank you for posting.  I am glad that you got something out of this thread.  This is why I love this place.  We all help each other out.  Don't think that you weren't any help to me, just knowing that there are other's out there in the same both as we are gives support.

Take care,
Pam