Quotei was looking at some old photo albums yesterday & it makes me sad to think that i put myself through all that anguish and despair literally for nothing. i don't even know why i couldn't see who i really was back then....i suppose my reflection was only real to me if it came from someone else's eyes.
I get really sad when I look at pictures from my teens and twenties... becuase I see someone that could have
easily passed without even trying. Hormones would have been overkill ... lol... I was very feminine looking.
Before anyone thinks that I'm bragging please think back to my current pictures and the
results of T for all those years. It's not a
pretty sight at all. But back then my nose was reasonable...
I always got complements on my thick hair and perfect complection from girls. I remember the day I realized I did not look
like a lot of boys... it was in English class the first few days of the new year... I was 15 and this older girl sat just in front of me,
she always asked for help on things and we would always talk. She was very pretty and I was really shy so she did most of the
talking. But she said to me one day that she would love to be me, that I had beautiful skin and was very pretty. She did not
say cute or handsome... she said pretty. It makes me really sad... I can still hear her say it. At 15 when your trying your hardest
to fit in as a boy that is the worst thing you'd ever want to hear. But that comment stuck with me and I did realize after that I did
not look like all the other boys.
But I could not see it fully, just that I was different. At times my hair was to my shoulders and I had NO facial hair even in my
mid twenties. And I remember vividly the times I would look into mirror and close my eyes and see a girl and I'd open them and
see this masculine thing... I'd do it over and over. I did not know what that meant, what it was or what I was feeling I just
knew that things did not match up. And I did not see how feminine and yes even pretty I was at the time... but now I look at
the pictures and think that I really really wasted my life. And all of you have seen what years of T has done... and that just
reinforces those feelings.
I'll pass the Kleenex Natasha
Amanda