I just got a call from the army. It's probably typical, I'm going to be a senior next year. It's a guy on the phone, and he asks a few questions.
"Are you happy to be a senior next year?"
"Yeah."
"Do you have plans for after you finish high school?"
"I plan to be an out and proud homosexual, so this isn't necessary."
I hang up.
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Here's the thing: I started calling myself bisexual when I was 12/13 and a lesbian when I was 14. I'm 17 now. My entire teenage life has been greatly influenced by me trying to find something that fits. I sure as hell don't want to be with a guy. In fact, I absolutely love and adore women. So, (I thought) I must be a lesbian.
"Lesbian" didn't fit me - not just because I'm TS, but also because I wasn't a lesbian in the same way most lesbians are. I felt I absolutely HAD to defend being with another female because to me, it felt natural. It felt right. (Or at least her being a female felt right. It felt right to be with a woman.) It felt as if there was absolutely nothing wrong with it. I had never been ashamed of it, and I was never willing to deny it. If I was only welcome somewhere with my girlfriend when we were acting as friends, I wouldn't come. No matter what. Funeral, wedding, ->-bleeped-<- you, I don't care. If I couldn't be myself, I wasn't going.
Some folks call male privilege more a thing of character than gender. I pretty much agree. If 'male privilege' means feeling you're entitled to something, than I've had male privilege as a personality trait all along, to a certain extent.
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I go to an alternative school and I'm almost entirely open with people about being TS. Mostly there are comments like "You can have my penis, I don't use it." from the bioguys. One in particular calls me a guy--and a lesbian. Very few people call me Tyler, even if they know it's my preference.
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I go to Pride parades and film festivals, and they feel homey, but not like my home. As if I'm going to my best friends house...I feel comfortable enough to take what I want out of their fridge, but every once in a while I still have to ask "Is this okay? Have I overstayed my welcome?
I have only had one contact with the GLB community since I came out as TS. My mom told me about an Indiana University library that is specifically "GLBTQ." I've exhausted the public libraries resources, and I don't have a summer job so I can't simply buy books. I went in hopeful. Turns out, it's a pretty small place, and there's only a tiny transgender shelf. Right when you walk in, at the very bottom. It was obvious this was what I was looking at. The person who checked the books out for me called me "she," even after I said Tyler was my preferred name.
I don't know how well the GLB community accepts TS's and I suppose I'm a little scared about it. I've been defending my right to exist as a lesbian for so long, that I can barely fathom being shunned from this community.
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After I told my girlfriend, Alicia, we had the talk. Maybe you've had it. I mean, she IS a lesbian after all, so if I'm a guy, what does that make her? And if I was a lesbian before all this, and have no intentions of ever being with a straight woman, what does that make me?
(Sidenote: I do wonder if this is only because I feel too incomplete to be with a straight woman. This tears me up. I figure with a lesbian, she already figures that a sperm donor will be necessary if she wants to have kids. Lesbian relationships aren't based on penises, some people would say that's the point. I'm betting I'll run into some problems with this line of thinking, afterall, because sexually I really need to feel like a MAN. I'm hoping I can get over this. I'm always so ready to go and I keep getting "hold on, ever heard of foreplay?" It's easy to jump right into sex when you don't have to wait for your body to catch up with your mind.)
I've sort of figured out that I'm pretty much a straight guy. I wouldn't be surprised to be a tiny bit bisexual once I feel more at home in my body.
It's strange because I think now that I've opened this door for Alicia, she's more likely to say certain men are attractive.
I've always been a firm believer that people are born gay. Social conditioning seemed like absolute bull->-bleeped-<- to me. But, every once in a while the gay and straight worlds overlap when there's enough chemistry (or libido?) involved.
Alicia says she is attracted to male bodies more than female bodies, and definitely prefers women emotionally. But there isn't anything that woman can have emotionally that men absolutely cannot have - so maybe this accounts for the occasional lesbian and male being in love, or at least having a worthwhile relationship.
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Back to the army, if you don't mind. My comment was 50% being absolutely against the army in general and 50% being against the army excluding GLBT people from being out and eligible at the same time.
My reaction to my comment was, basically, WHOA. Lesbian? Haven't I been calling myself straight for the past, what, three months? And getting upset when people say differently? Lesbian? Me? I'm a guy, a boy, a man, I can't be a lesbian.
Maybe it's my defensive nature. I haven't had to defend my right to be as a TS yet. My mind reverts back to 'lesbian' because for so long, I've just been waiting for someone to say "gay" as in "dumb" so I can jump all over them for being, what? Politically incorrect. I guess. Unfortunately, I look for fights much too often. I look for ways to bring things up so I can defend them. I just wait for people to disagree so I can tell them how wrong they are.
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I'm not a lesbian. I'll always stand up for GLB rights, because my girlfriend identifies, in part, as a lesbian and because I have gay friends. Even if I didn't. There's no reason for anyone to be treated differently because of who they love, or love to ->-bleeped-<-.
But I'm a little distraught over certain sudden reactions I have, like saying I'm a homosexual. Every once in a while, when forever reason I think of myself in pronouns, there is an occasional slip of "she" instead of "he." I chalk it up to this being a rather sudden change.
Afterall, I am positive that I want, even need, to go on testosterone. I am positive I want a mastectomy. I am positive that I want bottom surgery.
I think all of this (and I am sorry it's so much) is building up to one simple question: Does anyone else have these occasional slips? Past pieces of your identity that shine through? I've never heard anyone talk about it happening to them. Maybe it seems discrediting. Every once in a while I feel like I have no business asking others to call me he if my own thoughts can't even keep up with it.
I think my mind is just so accoustomed to these pronouns and ideas that when I think quick, it's what my thoughts produce.
I can't wait for it to stop.
