A question for those who bottled it up for a long period

[Yip]

When you finally accepted to yourself that your gender is wrong (you came out to yourself)

Did you have an emotional period after that?, Did you have a identity crisis and worry about what to do
or if you could do anything?. 

Does it get better?  Is the misery i'm having just all the years i've ignored it catching up?. Will
I get a little better in time and be more able to handle my feelings?.
----
also

I've been trying to think of options and as time go's by I don't think I have any outside of transition
I think I may have come up with a long(ish) term option that may give me a shot at this in a couple of years.
Will having a long term plan, help in giving me peace if that plan may give me a transition in the end?.

[tekla]

I've always thought that a long term plan - divided into doable small steps, a critical path as it were - helps with just about all life goals.

[Yip]

But will it help bring relief for those years it may take to do it?.
Basically what i'm thinking here, does having some hope of getting your dream help you cope with the years it takes to
get it?.


Anyway the plan isnt formed yet but I've spent alot of years hating my own body, But now that i'm
thinking about it my body is all I've got to work with if i ever get the option to do anything.
Maybe I should start looking after it.

So step one is improve my fitness so if the day comes I will be in better condition for it
step two

[Nero]

when i finally admitted this to myself - when I finally faced that I was trans, i was horrified and in a lot of pain. cause while we know this is true, we don't want it to be. and when you finally face it and let yourself feel all that you'd never let yourself feel, it's extreme. i think i cried for a good 2 days once i admitted to myself i was trans.

[cindybc]

Hi Yip  welcome to Susans, I will agree with what Nero said for now, I just wanted to earmark this post so I can find it later.

Cindy

[Yip]

when i finally admitted this to myself - when I finally faced that I was trans, i was horrified and in a lot of pain. cause while we know this is true, we don't want it to be. and when you finally face it and let yourself feel all that you'd never let yourself feel, it's extreme. i think i cried for a good 2 days once i admitted to myself i was trans.

Your right I was crying for days I couldnt control it I would just get tears and have to be alone and cry, Its been a month now and I still have moments like that but that was really intense. Does it get a little easier as time go's by?.  6 months after you accepted did you feel you could cope with it better?.  Or do you really need to be transitioning to have any relief?. 

[sd]

Yep, Nero pretty much covered it for me as well.

I am still not completely sure of where I fit into all of this, but once I really accepted that I was tg, it set a few things in motion I was unprepared for.

[Nero]

when i finally admitted this to myself - when I finally faced that I was trans, i was horrified and in a lot of pain. cause while we know this is true, we don't want it to be. and when you finally face it and let yourself feel all that you'd never let yourself feel, it's extreme. i think i cried for a good 2 days once i admitted to myself i was trans.

Your right I was crying for days I couldnt control it I would just get tears and have to be alone and cry, Its been a month now and I still have moments like that but that was really intense. Does it get a little easier as time go's by?.  6 months after you accepted did you feel you could cope with it better?.  Or do you really need to be transitioning to have any relief?. 

It has been two years and transitioning is on hold until I am well enough for surgery and hormones. Mostly the pain now is just the dysphoria - the pain from my body not being right and being seen as something I'm not. At first, it hurts a lot cause before the pain of this was so unspeakable, so horrible, that sometime during puberty I completely shut down. I felt other things but not this. And when you quit lying to yourself and shut off the constant dialogue of berating yourself for not being normal and just let go and accept that you're trans and you can't change it - you just bleed all of that out. All those years of covering up, of trying to be acceptable, of doing anything in order to not be hurt by other people for what you are - just comes out. But the tears will cease and relief will set in.

[tekla]

Basically what i'm thinking here, does having some hope of getting your dream help you cope with the years it takes to get it?

Yes, it seems to go better to know you are on a course to get what you want then just spinning your wheels and going nowhere.  Some progress, slow progress even, is better than no progress.

[Wing Walker]

When you finally accepted to yourself that your gender is wrong (you came out to yourself)

Did you have an emotional period after that?, Did you have a identity crisis and worry about what to do
or if you could do anything?. 

Does it get better?  Is the misery i'm having just all the years i've ignored it catching up?. Will
I get a little better in time and be more able to handle my feelings?.
----
also

I've been trying to think of options and as time go's by I don't think I have any outside of transition
I think I may have come up with a long(ish) term option that may give me a shot at this in a couple of years.
Will having a long term plan, help in giving me peace if that plan may give me a transition in the end?.

Hello, Yip,

I am not certain of how to reply to your question because I kept everything bottled-up inside of me for 46 years, from age 5 to age 51.

My "coming out to myself" took place on March 2, 2002 in Susan's Transgender Chat Room.  I asked if I could have the floor to open up and it was given to me.  Two and a half hours later I had finished.

How did I feel after that?  Wonderful!  I was able to stop the ruse that I had been playing on myself and the rest of the world for 46 years, and, this is the important part, *I did it for me and I did not care what the rest of the world thought about it!*

A month later I had my first meeting with a gender therapist and she asked many questions about me and my life.  I felt even better after having made such progress.  I was turning my fondest hope, to rectify the mismatch between my body and the inner me, into the actuality of the girl/woman I had always been.  I was on a natural high.

I knew that it would be years before I could realistically think of having gender reassignment surgery so I resolved within myself to enjoy every day I had to complete my transition, and I pretty much have.  Other things have gone wrong but not my real life experience.

Tekla suggests that you plan your work and work your plan and I agree.  Take the time to make a line that starts where you are now in your journey and draw it out to where you would like to be.  Don't be concerned about how long it might be.  Then start making a list of the things that you know you need to do on this journey (the fun part), things that you might want to try or do on this journey (the more fun part), and your dreams and fantasies along the way (the really fun part).  As Tekla mentioned, any progress toward your goal is far superior than no progress at all.

Gender dysphoria/transsexualism is nothing to be taken lightly.  It is serious and life-changing but by no means must fixing the gender disconnect be a pilgrimage of pain.

Perhaps I had it easier because I was 51 when I started.  I don't know.  It cost me in ways that money couldn't fix but that's alright with me.  I got where I needed to be. 

I hope that this helps you in some small way.

Wing Walker

[cindybc]

Hi Yip hon
Once you make up your mind and cross the line into full time transitioning, the stress, fear, and anxiety levels will drop considerably, especially after starting HRT.

My biggest fear was in the stepping over that line. Did I hate myself for who I was? Before coming out full time, I can say, yes, I did, big time. Enough so that I became anorexic and I was quite suicidal. So I had to cross the line, I had no choice but this took me probably on a journey into freedom and happiness which I had never had before.

There was no other comparison to this experience in my entire life to my knowledge. I never looked back, I was like a horse with blinders where I could only see what was coming up ahead. It has been 8 years now since I came out to full time. I am blessed. I'm a retired social worker of 20 years. So now I have a new job which is in a similar capacity. I work for women and with women at a women's shelter.

Cindy 

[Lutin]

Hey Yip,

I agree with what everyone's said, particularly about the plan - no matter how slowly you may progess according to your plan, the fact that it is there means that you have something to work from, and so something to look forward to. It's like many instances in life. Take a research essay, for instance: no matter how painful or fun it may to research and write it, if you have a plan - intro, paragraph 1 I'll talk about this, which will lead on to paragraph 2, etcetcetc conclusion - then as you complete each paragraph you can see yourself coming closer to your goal, and feel a sense of achievement at having passed another hurdle. But if you just research and write simultaneously without any plan in mind, then even though you may write five spectacular paragraphs, the absence of any idea of where you're trying to get to and what you should be doing to get there will mean that you worry far more, and feel far less like you've achieved something. If that makes sense .

So yes, to cut a long story short, as Tekla said, "it seems to go better to know you are on a course to get what you want then just spinning your wheels and going nowhere."

In answer to your first question about the emotional aspects of coming out to yourself, I'd been feeling depressed for months before I really accepted that I'm TG (which happened only recently. Two weeks ago, in fact). I still have depression problems, but I think a lot of it was/is associated with other things completely unrelated to gender (my parents often don't get on with my brother and viccy verca, and I just get sick of being the peacekeeper of the family all the time). So by the time I started seriously contemplating my gender identity, I was already emotionally pretty iffy.
    I think when the moment came when I realised "TG!", I'd already done more or less what Wing Walker did, and just let forth everything I'd kept bottled up for ages and had been wondering about, which was itself an huge relief. I first came to Susan's and explained my life etc. on the 16th of March this year, and then last month (13th and 23rd of May) I posted a couple of threads asking if what I was feeling was likely to be a phase or real/permanent, and then what the difference/s between TG and TS were/are. It was the replies from these that helped me clarify (?) my TGness, but I think because I'd already been wondering about it for a while, and because I was so stressed about everything else, this realisation and acceptance came more as a relief than anything. I certainly didn't go through the crying-for-days stage, but as I said, that could have had something to do with already having gone through it months before and so being past it by the time TG acceptance/realisation came along.

Sorry for the verbal diarrhoea, but I hope it's been helpful. I think the key thing with the plan is to go in baby steps, and not take things too fast. Go/Plan at a pace you're comfortable with, and maybe even keep a diary of how you go. That way, if ever you feel depressed that things aren't going that well, you can look back and see the things that did.

XOX

Lutin

[Chaunte]

When you finally accepted to yourself that your gender is wrong (you came out to yourself)

Did you have an emotional period after that?, Did you have a identity crisis and worry about what to do
or if you could do anything?. 

Does it get better?  Is the misery i'm having just all the years i've ignored it catching up?. Will
I get a little better in time and be more able to handle my feelings?.
----
also

I've been trying to think of options and as time go's by I don't think I have any outside of transition
I think I may have come up with a long(ish) term option that may give me a shot at this in a couple of years.
Will having a long term plan, help in giving me peace if that plan may give me a transition in the end?.

I lived a Dr. Jeckyll & Ms. Hyde life for so many, many years.  I went into details about starting my self-acceptance in my blog here at Susans, so I won't go into details here.  Suffice it to say that I was left totally confused as to who and what I was.

My initial reaction was to pull into myself for a while.  I have three close friends that i felt safe sharing my confusion with, and that helped a bit.  It was soon afterwards that I discovered Susan's website. 

My spouse and most of my friends were too conservative to discuss my confusion with.  I remember spending a lot of nights going for a walk and talking with myself.  I was desperately trying to find a new definition for me. 

Somewhere there was a logical answer to this confusion - and this answer should exist within my umderstanding as to how the universe should work. 

It wasn't untill i was willing to open my mind to all possibilities that I was able to go forward.  A good counselor is excellent for helping with this.

Chaunte

[Yip]

Its been a month but I am certainly having up's and downs emotion wise, I cried alot for the first few days (couldn't stop) now I have moments every so often.
as the weeks go by I'm finding it less and less likely I can accept continuing in this way so transition appears to be the only option, I've gone from
how can I regain my suppression to how can I cope with it but now, I'm thinking what can I do to make it happen. If in even a small way
i'm moving forward towards this goal then evey time I look in the mirror and see a man I can think well i've done this and this and i'm this closer to not
seeing you anymore buddy!.

Ok I see the consensus here is that having a plan is probably the best idea i've had yet!!

Yeah as far as i can tell should everything work out it would be a few years before
I could even go on hrt, Well let me tell you the double edged sword issue I have.

In the next few months, I should be working in a mine near town. Its a blessing
in that it would be the best money I could ever hope to get in my life.
I've been thinking about what this means.

Pro's

- Money is very good
- I would be able to save enough to pay for everything gender related infact the best of (this excites me alot about it)

con's

- dangerous work
- its very male work environment (i'd have to put my guard up more then i've ever done before)
- It would be a hostile industry to me if i ever came out or was outted

Every thread  I make only raises more questions for me to ask lol,

Basically I'm going to draw up a plan thats going to guide me for years, the first part will be
me preparing myself and doing what can be done before any physical changes.

off the top of my head,  my fitness,  voice practice , Counciling
next stage would be starting a change but this brings about questions.

1, How long do ppl have counciling before they can go onto a transition?
2, How long can you go on HRT before its effects become obvious as to whats happening to you (skin thinning and looking younger is explainable, bum changing shape isnt)

lets say its 4 years time (job worked out)I have the money for this and I start it, legally my workplace should not treat me in any other way, But I dont think an environment
such as a mine will be able to stop it being hostile to me, This is the part that scares me the most when I cant hide it from work, will I have the strengh to
ignore it and continue or will I be forced to walk from what could be the best paying job I'll ever have...  I want to ask a question along these lines as a new thread later
but I feel i'm flooding your forum with questions right now lol.

I'm getting really excited over the responses to a plan

[PolarBear]

To be honest I haven't accepted it yet.

Sometimes it hits me full force like a sledgehammer and I get stunned. And the feelings are so overwhelming that I shove them back inside almost immediately. It scares me, also because I am not sure if the feelings are real or imagined. What if this is all just in my head but not really true? How do I know the difference?
It's a tough road and not one I want to walk. I know I am only postponing the inevitable, but right now I am too scared to open my eyes.

Regards,
PolarBear

[Yip]

To be honest I haven't accepted it yet.

Sometimes it hits me full force like a sledgehammer and I get stunned. And the feelings are so overwhelming that I shove them back inside almost immediately. It scares me, also because I am not sure if the feelings are real or imagined. What if this is all just in my head but not really true? How do I know the difference?
It's a tough road and not one I want to walk. I know I am only postponing the inevitable, but right now I am too scared to open my eyes.

Regards,
PolarBear

Yeah i'm still very new at this, I'm pretty sure i'm right, but sometime in the next few months
I'm gona make a small fib about why i'm poping out of town for a day to friends and family and see a councilor.
Just to be sure, The worst that can happen, I'm correct and it confirms it the plan continues. But hey if the
councilor has a trick up there sleeve that makes me happy the way I am then what the hell.  I just want
to be happy with myself in the end.

[Wing Walker]

Its been a month but I am certainly having up's and downs emotion wise, I cried alot for the first few days (couldn't stop) now I have moments every so often.
as the weeks go by I'm finding it less and less likely I can accept continuing in this way so transition appears to be the only option, I've gone from
how can I regain my suppression to how can I cope with it but now, I'm thinking what can I do to make it happen. If in even a small way
i'm moving forward towards this goal then evey time I look in the mirror and see a man I can think well i've done this and this and i'm this closer to not
seeing you anymore buddy!.

Ok I see the consensus here is that having a plan is probably the best idea i've had yet!!

Yeah as far as i can tell should everything work out it would be a few years before
I could even go on hrt, Well let me tell you the double edged sword issue I have.

In the next few months, I should be working in a mine near town. Its a blessing
in that it would be the best money I could ever hope to get in my life.
I've been thinking about what this means.

Pro's

- Money is very good
- I would be able to save enough to pay for everything gender related infact the best of (this excites me alot about it)

con's

- dangerous work
- its very male work environment (i'd have to put my guard up more then i've ever done before)
- It would be a hostile industry to me if i ever came out or was outted

Every thread  I make only raises more questions for me to ask lol,

Basically I'm going to draw up a plan thats going to guide me for years, the first part will be
me preparing myself and doing what can be done before any physical changes.

off the top of my head,  my fitness,  voice practice , Counciling
next stage would be starting a change but this brings about questions.

1, How long do ppl have counciling before they can go onto a transition?
2, How long can you go on HRT before its effects become obvious as to whats happening to you (skin thinning and looking younger is explainable, bum changing shape isnt)

lets say its 4 years time (job worked out)I have the money for this and I start it, legally my workplace should not treat me in any other way, But I dont think an environment
such as a mine will be able to stop it being hostile to me, This is the part that scares me the most when I cant hide it from work, will I have the strengh to
ignore it and continue or will I be forced to walk from what could be the best paying job I'll ever have...  I want to ask a question along these lines as a new thread later
but I feel i'm flooding your forum with questions right now lol.

I'm getting really excited over the responses to a plan

Hi, Yip,

You ask many questions and you have come to the right place for asking them.  Now I have a question for you:  where do you live?  What country?

Mining is a very male activity and women are not welcome.  Have you seen the movie "North Country" starring Charlize Theron?  It is rather fictionalized but the story is not.  Women are not welcome in traditionally male occupations.

If I was to depend on mining to provide me with the income to do my transitioning I would not begin any changes until I could afford to not work in the mines.

Here is what happened for me:

1.  I saw a gender therapist. 
2.  92 days later I was referred for Hormone Replacement Therapy.
3.  Four weeks later I saw and felt changes in my perception of the world, my observable behaviour, and my      nipples, and I had no control over these changes.
4.  Within a year I had breasts developing and my face had grown fuller and softer.  The skin on my face had a more delicate appearance.
5.  My voice *did not* change.

These things are what happened to me.  They may or may not happen to you in the same time they did for me, maybe sooner, maybe later.

Wing Walker

[Lisbeth]

Yip, anything that gives you hope will help.  If having a plan gives you hope then, yes, it will bring relief.  But after awhile just having the plan won't be enough unless you act on it.  Keep reassessing what is working and not working and adjust what you are doing.

[cindianna_jones]

Yip,

Drafting a plan is an excellent idea and I've used this strategy all of my adult life.  I always have a list hanging somewhere and I check off items as I complete them.  In fact, I'm sort of in another transition of sorts and it's time to reorganize and write up a new one.

I separate my list into goals and objectives.  The goal is the big lofty idea.  The objectives are the definable steps that lead to completion of the goal.  I also have a list of things that I want and want  to do in my life.  So my list might look like this:

Goal:  Develop my career

    objectives
    - Get degree in engineering
    - Move to Seattle
    - Get job at XXYYZZ company

Goal:  Transition
    - Electrolysis
    - Get good paying job
    - Find Therapist

Stuff I want:
    - A new computer
    - A car with better gas mileage

Stuff I want to do:
    - Learn to hang glide
    - Hike the Appalachian trail

Of course my lists are much longer.  But as I accomplish each objective, I am one more step closer to my goals.  Sometimes objectives are added to reach my goals.  I post my goals and objectives somewhere where I see them every day.

Whenever you are feeling down, take a look at your lists and see just how much you have accomplished in your life.  That will cheer you up.  At least some.

Cindi

[Shana A]

When I first came to the realization that I was transgender, my life was an emotional roller coaster for a while. At the same time, life made more sense, I could see how the signs were there all along, although I didn't recognize them fully. Eventually things evened out, although I still have my emotional ups and downs about gender.

Z