I'm very grateful to have found this site. I'm looking foward to sharing thought with those of you in a position like mine. With any good fortune, I may just make a few friends from the deal. I need this opportunity and intend to make the best of it. I consider myself to be very much a girl (m2f) and have ever since I've been able to form reasonable thought. Even before this point I felt something was wrong. Bein' a boy has never felt right. I guess I could start with the fact that as a baby and young child I looked like a girl. It was commonplace for someone to walk up to my mother in public and say somethin' to effect, "ah, what a cute lil' girl you have". I can't remember ever being displeased over this when Momma would bring it to my attention years later. I was always apt to try and play with the girls at first and remember feeling more comfortable when I could do so. My alpha-male father would never tolerate this though. He was very abusive both mentally and physically. He was a very selfish individual as well: I've often thought his protest on my desired company was probably more so an attempt at advertisement on his virility. Anyhoo, I went through grade school gettin' picked on and ridiculed for my girl-like manerisms and never functioning well with a group of boys. I could never tell Momma for fear of what my father would do if he found out. Trust me, based on some of the stuff he'd done by that point, I'm sure that, "Momma I wish I were a girl" would've gotten me hospitalized at the least. If only I coulda had a Daddy as well, huh? Well, I finally make it to puberty (and this is when the REAL fun begins) and the harddrive (brain) gets rilly scrambled. Now whereas before when girls were the desired company, I began to find myself a bit alienated stemming from envy. I was so jealous over the way they were entitled to behave and present themselves. This is when I truly discoverd that bein' a girl would've better coincided with my personality. I remember the loss of my virginity feeling more like a race. Guys are rilly warped when it comes to this deal. It's rilly a sad reflection on thier part in that itza common bragging right to tell another they'd lost thier virginity at a younger age. Movin' on, it happened for me well b4 it was supposed to. I'm not sayin' it should not have happened at all-but it was wrong to act upon peer influence and irrational thought. I remember feelin' so jealous of her privilage then. Hell, for years prior to that point I'd often tried on clothes like the ones I'd just watched her take off. Every girlfriend from that point was a similar story, always wondering what it must be like being able to function on a daily basis as she did. To my senior prom I went with a very beautiful girl whom I dated for about 7 months at that point and had what was my last truly romantic evening with anyone since. I got out of school and began to question myself sexuality wise. I've always felt that woman are beautiful but men are attractive. Woman are beautiful creatures but they've never done anything for me in terms of impression to the point of wanting to become involved with them. Men on the other hand are more drivin in ways that seems to stimulate and intice my interest. I live my entire life to my present day wearin' girly clothes at every possible opportunity and hating to look in the mirror. On a few acassions, in a very angry state, I've grabbed the thing that dosen't belong on me (scrotem and all) and pulled up on it to the point of severe pain in a futile and very ridiculous attempt to rip the damn thing off. If I'm not in a position to wear pantyhose, I hafta wear smaller bikini underwear and spandex biker shorts to make the mass of @#%* feel like its not there. Hey peeps, rilly sorry mine has been such a somber note (and on my first impression too) but I can't lie and say I'm content with imagining bein' a girl. This is were I'm hoping this resource helps me. Maybe theres someone out there that can deliver some inspirational, or at least stimulating insight to help me come to terms with this hellish position of mine. I'm breaking ground though: 7 people now know about me and have accepted me (both family and friends) with little to no resistance. One of which was one of my gay-guy buddies whose support and insight has been pretty valuable. Momma said she always knew. My dear sister said she always suspected. Two of my closest friends, a married couple, said they speculated on such. Despite thier warm acceptance, I need someone like me to confide in or share thought with. Someone who rilly knows what its like to live with this. I don't fear death as much as I fear hurting the people that love me. Maybe theres a way to make it through all this but at this point I'm rather baffled. Any advice is certainly welcome. Hey peeps, I promise the next post to be more uplifting. I'm rilly sorry if I depressed or discouraged anyone. Thanks for reading.
