Quote from: Veetje on June 25, 2008, 02:48:34 AMI really wished I wasnt straight/hetero
It seems very odd to wish for a different sexual orientation than one actually has. But I catch myself doing it too. Not for sexual reasons but for social reasons.
I'm open about my bisexuality, I'm just being honest about it. But I must be some sort of self-hating bi. To me lesbianism looks purer and more clearly defined. Bisexuality has a vagueness about it that is less appealing. I have this hunger to fit in with a social group after having spent my life
"always on the outside of whatever side there was." There is no such thing as a bisexual community, let alone a definite culture or political or spiritual consciousness. That's what the lesbian community has to offer. I wish i felt I belonged there, but anytime I say I'm bi that puts up a barrier to being accepted. Still, I won't pretend to be something I'm not. I wasted too many years of my life pretending to be male. Now is the time for total honesty about who I am. The gnarly thing is I'm ashamed of myself for feeling ashamed to be bi. I need to break out of this loop of thoughts and just be happy being who I am.
But I miss the inclusion in a lesbian community, the feeling of belonging.
Women loving women just seems to me the ultimate good in life. Just as Malcolm X said about his white grandfather "I hate every drop of that white rapist's blood that's in me," I feel a deep and burning hatred for maleness after all I've been made to suffer because of it (including rape). But being sexually attracted to men keeps me attached to a world with maleness of it, though as a fantasy I would prefer to live on
Wonder Woman's Paradise island where no men are allowed. In the real world, a lesbian community would provide a refuge from maleness when it got to be too oppressive. My dream.
