Quote from: Veetje on June 25, 2008, 02:48:34 AMI really wished I wasnt straight/hetero

It seems very odd to wish for a different sexual orientation than one actually has. But I catch myself doing it too. Not for sexual reasons but for social reasons.

I'm open about my bisexuality, I'm just being honest about it. But I must be some sort of self-hating bi. To me lesbianism looks purer and more clearly defined. Bisexuality has a vagueness about it that is less appealing. I have this hunger to fit in with a social group after having spent my life "always on the outside of whatever side there was." There is no such thing as a bisexual community, let alone a definite culture or political or spiritual consciousness. That's what the lesbian community has to offer. I wish i felt I belonged there, but anytime I say I'm bi that puts up a barrier to being accepted. Still, I won't pretend to be something I'm not. I wasted too many years of my life pretending to be male. Now is the time for total honesty about who I am. The gnarly thing is I'm ashamed of myself for feeling ashamed to be bi. I need to break out of this loop of thoughts and just be happy being who I am.

But I miss the inclusion in a lesbian community, the feeling of belonging. Women loving women just seems to me the ultimate good in life. Just as Malcolm X said about his white grandfather "I hate every drop of that white rapist's blood that's in me," I feel a deep and burning hatred for maleness after all I've been made to suffer because of it (including rape). But being sexually attracted to men keeps me attached to a world with maleness of it, though as a fantasy I would prefer to live on Wonder Woman's Paradise island where no men are allowed. In the real world, a lesbian community would provide a refuge from maleness when it got to be too oppressive. My dream.

I am bi and proud of it. It took me a long time to get to this point though. When I first transitioned I was not attracted to men at all and had never been up to that point. Since then I have dated straight, bi, and lesbian women. A couple of years ago I found myself going from "well, he is kinda cute" to "wonder what he is doing tonight". LOL. It took some soul searching on my part to come to terms with it and there is an incredible amount of prejudice against bi individuals. When not being discriminated against by those in LGBT groups, bi people are generally ignored.

I do have to say that it has opened up the dating possibilities.

I'm leaning towards being FtMale Androgynous (gender wise). I feel more like an "it" but still feel some masculinity left. Orientation wise, I'm attracted to men for the most part. I think I still may be bi-romantic but I don't know I never really had a good relationship with a girl yet. The best relationship I had was with a guy (way before I became trans though I identified as Androgynous back then) so..I'm probably still attracted to guys mostly. I feel like I could have a relationship with anyone just as long as they fit my standards (which are stll kind of unknown to me lol)