Transitioning and changing everyday habits

[Krystal]

Hi Y'all
There is something that has been on my mind a lot lately and I wanted to ask y'all about it. While this question is mainly for the  MtF folks that have transitioned or are living full time but I would love to hear from anyone on this subject.

I am wondering how much transition or living full time has changed your everyday habits not at home so much as when your out and about?
Let me explain my question a bit.
I am  a very small person but I have never let that stop me from going places and doing things I wanted to do. I tend to do a lot of things by myself from long walks in the woods to exploring some of the ummm.. less "safe" places and establishments in the cities around here. I have always felt that I can take care of myself, however I have been told by guys that are twice my size that they would not go half the places I do much less alone. Now don't take this wrong I am not out there "tempting fate" but I have never let my size keep me from doing the things I want to do or going places I wanted to go. This has always been in boy mode  but now that I am presenting myself  more and more as female I am starting to wonder how much of this behavior I will wind up changing. Several of the GGs I have talked to around where I live say that they don't go anywhere or do stuff alone unless its going to the store or some place with lots of folks around. They say they really don't feel safe since they are female. I think a lot of that comes from being told your the "weaker" sex your whole life. That has got to effect your confidence level and I think that it is lack of self confidence that makes you a target most of the time.

So now that your transitioning  do you find that you don't go out as much by yourself? Have you changed where you go or when you go there? Do you feel less "safe" as a female out and about in the world?

I would love to hear what y'all think about all this.
*hugs*
Krystal

[Virginia87106]

I have always felt safe and do alot of walking, biking alone, with nary a problem.  But one thing I do not do is be alone at night, unless it is a very well lite parking lot of a major store.  I rarely go to bars, but when I do it is always early, not late.

Basically, most problems women run into is late night stuff, especially when people are liquored up.

[MaggieB]

I do feel less safe as a woman in public situations. I have had a man follow me into a Whole Foods parking lot in the middle of the day acting suspiciously. He stopped and acted like he was looking for something when I turned around. I made a bee line for my van, keys in hand and got out of there fast.  Carrying a purse or shoulder bag makes a nice target for a thief and hanging on the shoulder of a woman all the more. After that, I always watch who is in the parking lot and walk carrying my car keys in my hand. I don't walk in my own neighborhood alone day or night. It is not a dangerous one but meeting strangers in that setting is so raw and vulnerable that I just can't get used to it. I also have lost so much physical strength since I went on HRT that I'd be pretty much a goner to fight my way out of an attacker. I suppose I'd use the stuff my daughter was taught in a self defense for women class in college. Go for the eyes and groin. Yell and scream.

Maggie

[gina]

Less safe as female....Most Definitely....if possible avoid trouble area's by yourself and if you must always carry a can of mace (protect yourself first, deal with laws after)..

gina

[Sarah Louise]

My best advice, stay in lit areas and always be aware of who is around you.

Sarah L.

[Northern Jane]

I got my lesson early on (in a good way).

I am not small (at 5' 9") and had been a skater and a swimmer for years before I transitioned so I always thought I could  look after myself. I was 25 and the young man I was dating expressed concern over my walking home from downtown by myself in the evening. I sort of snarffed at the idea and he "attacked me" - he completely over-powered me and held me pinned to the floor with one hand until I conceded that a woman, even  in good shape, is no match for a male attacker. I couldn't believe how FAST and STRONG he was and how easily he kept me off balance and constrained.

I stopped taking my safety and my ability to defend myself for granted and started using more common sense!

[Krystal]

Less safe as female....Most Definitely....if possible avoid trouble area's by yourself and if you must always carry a can of mace (protect yourself first, deal with laws after)..

gina

Theres a old saying ""its better to be tried by 12 than carried by 6 "" 
____________________________________________________________________
The main reason  I am asking this  question is I hope to start HRT at the end of the summer if not sooner and my upper body strength is the one thing I  am going to have a hard time with giving up.
You don't have to be big and strong to be able to defend yourself. My friend Susan  who is like 85Lbs proved to me when we were playing around and she took me down several times. Where big and strong does come in is once someone gets their hands on you. When I got hold of her I was all over and I only out weigh her by about 30 pounds.
I do think paying attention to who is around you is one of the most important things you can do as a male or female to stay safe.
Hmmm I am starting to wish I had not given up the martial arts classes I went to as a teen, maybe a refresher course is in order.

[Beyond]

I got my lesson early on (in a good way).

I am not small (at 5' 9") and had been a skater and a swimmer for years before I transitioned so I always thought I could  look after myself. I was 25 and the young man I was dating expressed concern over my walking home from downtown by myself in the evening. I sort of snarffed at the idea and he "attacked me" - he completely over-powered me and held me pinned to the floor with one hand until I conceded that a woman, even  in good shape, is no match for a male attacker. I couldn't believe how FAST and STRONG he was and how easily he kept me off balance and constrained.

I stopped taking my safety and my ability to defend myself for granted and started using more common sense!

Exactly!

Krystal, you may be the same person on the inside, but to others you've changed.  To some you've become a target.  Some will think I'm exaggerating, but the truth is our place in the world has changed and that has consequences whether we like it or not.

[Sheila]

I always go out and do things by myself, otherwise I wouldn't get to do some  of the things that I want to do. Granted, I don't go out at night, not into bars or the night life. I do know that I am not as strong as I use to be and that if a male did attack me I couldn't fight back, physically. I would lose. So, if I were at a store or mall at night, I do take precautions in areas that can be bad. I carry my keys out for a weapon and do know that the end of a key hurts when it is in the eye or close to it. Other than that, I am just my self and go on with life as it should be.

[sd]

I lived in some bad neighborhoods in the past and the single biggest safety factor is not paying attention to your surroundings. You don't have to be paranoid, but if you are in a strange place hang up the phone, put your eyes and ears to work for you. Take a good look at your surroundings before getting out of your car.

And most of all, THINK.
If you even question it in the slightest, don't do it, something is obviously not right. Listen to your gut, don't try to rise above it, there are no medals for bravery in everyday life.

Posted on: July 01, 2008, 05:50:33 PMAnd try not to look like a target.
Looking paranoid and scared, you may as well paint a bullseye on your back.

[Mnemosyne]

As a woman you will be a more tempting target. This is why I am careful about where I go now. Even though I can handle myself, if an investigating officer finds out how well I can then there is a chance I could face charges for defending myself.

Martial arts, unless you have been doing it for years, may not be that much help. It all depends on what your instincts are at the time of the attack. As for weapons, I carried legally for 5 years due to an unsafe situation popping up. If you can and are comfortable with that then I recommend it. If not then you might just want to cut back on some of the exploring.

Upper body strength? My Owner recently showed me how quickly he could keep me under his control. I was already in an off position so the martial arts did not come into play but he managed to keep me in place, with one hand. Two years ago I was capable of putting him on his butt for trying the same thing.

[NicholeW.]

Strength definitely does change, balance changes if your fat distribution changes. There's a lot that different and whether you "pass" or not. You could well become a target a target.

"Un-passing" women will be possible targets because they don't. "Passing" women because they do. Even though, in actuality most rapes occur statistically around or in the home, that doesn't mean you shoudln't be careful and confident and aware wherever you are.

For the guys, the tendency is statistically different: guys tend to become targets when they are away from the confines of neighborhood and home, fights, muggings, etc.

I've read here and in other places that some women, particularly, think due to size and age etc that they may not be"messed with." I really think anyone who feels that way maybe should re-think.

Rape and assaults are not sexual crimes, they are "power" crimes committed by those who want to assert their sense of being in control and/or revenge on some other female figure. Muggers will just tend to chose targets of opportunity who they think will be easy to handle and get away from.

Don't try to stand and fight with a set of car keys. Use your legs and the keys to get inside your car and lock and start the thing and drive away. As someone said, if you run over the attacker just drive to a safe well-lighted place and call the cops. Don't worry about the law until after the fact.

Always know where you are and what's around you if you are a woman alone at night.

Yep, the "rules" change.

Nichole

[Janet_Girl]

Krystal,

We may be the 'weaker' sex, but we are the 'smarter' sex.  Ask yourself why you go where you go.  Is it the thrill of doing something dangerous or life threatening.  Try skydiving.  Are you just exploring the underbelly of society?  Rent the Saw movies.   Are you just curious about other lifestyles?  Go to the libary  or search the internet.  I do not go anyway that is questionable or poorly light, I stay away from gay bars and bars in general, unless I am with several friends.

Wherever you go remember. Stop, Look and Listen.  You are a target for some scumbag because you are a woman.

I am sorry but I do not agree about being armed.  More people are killed with their own weapons.  Mace, pepper spray or a spurt gun filled with indelible ink and ammonia or alcohol, Cant get you killed.  But it will allow you to run like the wind.

Go for the groin or eyes and run.

Janet

[Mnemosyne]

More people are killed with their own weapons.

Incorrect.

And pepper spray is of little use. I have even run into thugs who could take a blast of mace and a few hits with a stun gun.

Being armed is a personal choice. I do urge training if you make the choice to do so.

[Ms Bev]

I used to  frequent 'back woods' areas within easy drives of metro areas, for fly fishing, and thought nothing of it.  If it was a lonely enough place, I would carry a small automatic in my fanny pack, and think nothing of it.  Not now.  The last thing in the world I want is to be put in jail for any amount of time as a transsexual.
There were lots of places I went, and lots of things I did that I would never dream of today.
Okay, here's the deal:  when you transition, you make a deal with nature.  You lose a lot of strength, and  make yourself appear vulnerable to most predators.  It's just a simple fact.  If you want to retain the strength you have now, it will take a great deal of your time and effort, more so than you think.  You are following a biological blueprint that will render you a hearth keeper, and not a hunter-warrior.

Okay, I practice my kicks, blocks, strikes, and balance, but in the final analysis, I'll kick once, maybe, then run like hell.  My most powerful weapon I carry now is the police whistle I keep on my key chain, and the awareness of my surroundings at all times.  I'm not afraid, I'm careful.  Every man under the age of 70, and sometimes older, is potentially lethally dangerous.
Enjoy your life as a woman, but stay alive long enough to enjoy it!

Bev 

[Fer]

A friend and myself were walking along a street in Manchester at night when this bloke who was on the edge of the street grabbed hold of me and claimed I was his wife. He was undoubtely very strong & was hurting my arm.  This went on for several minutes before my friend started to shout for help.

Finally he desisted but ran back to where we were and started throwing things at us from his back, scraps of food, and other bits or rubbish he'd picked up, then he threw his shoes, then finally off came his clothes & he threw those as well. 

It was a very traumatic experience that I don't wish to relive.  Using common sense as Nothern Jane has cleverly stated and avoiding dangerous, lonely streets in the middle of the night is what I do now.  I don't believe in carrying arms either but I've got quite a few friends that do.

[sd]

Trimmed

I've read here and in other places that some women, particularly, think due to size and age etc that they may not be"messed with." I really think anyone who feels that way maybe should

Don't try to stand and fight with a set of car keys. Use your legs and the keys to get inside your car and lock and start the thing and drive away.

A guy raped a 90(?) year old woman in California.
Age is not a factor, looks probably as well.

Keys like you said are going to be a bad weapon. Odds of being able to get a good shot at something it will hurt him bad enough to stop are slim to none.



And worse, what would happen if they did try to force sex and found that you still have a little something extra...

Please be careful everyone.

[Jamie-o]

It's interesting that you bring this up now.  I've been wondering lately if I will find myself being less paranoid once I'm perceived as male - if I will still take those little precautions, like having my keys out before I leave a store at night, checking the back seat before getting in a car, walking down the middle of an empty street to avoid bushes, alleys, and doorways where potential attackers might be lurking.  Not that I find myself hiding at home at night.  I've lived in some semi-rough neighborhoods (Elephant & Castle in London, Roger's Park in Chicago) and I've never truly felt I was in danger.  I just kept my eyes open, put on my "Don't F**k With Me" face, and kept to the busier streets. But then, I've been told that I'm a little bit scary. 

[Northern Jane]

And worse, what would happen if they did try to force sex and found that you still have a little something extra...

Perfect lead-in to a story from my teens......

In my mid-teens I lived part time en femme, often in Toronto and often when I had run away from home. I was 16 (I think) on one such flight from tyranny. I had a low-paying job and a rented room on the edge of Cabbage Town that necessitated walking a few blocks from the subway to my rooming house at the end of shift. I had heard that there was a rapist-murder who had been targeting young women as they left the subway but I never thought anything of it - I was a naive country kid and it never dawned on me that I could be a target.

One Friday night I was walking home around midnight down the quiet street when I heard a car coming up behind me. I didn't think anything of it until it became so loud that I realized he must be on the wrong side of the street. Before I could even turn to look,  a pair of arms grabbed me and threw me roughly into the back of the van hard enough to knock me out.

I started coming to as the van was coming to a stop in a deserted and derelict part of the Don Valley. The side door opened and I was roughly dragged out of the van by two men. I knew I was dead! When these guys found out that I wasn't "your standard issue female", I was for sure dead!!! Since I was going to die anyway, I decided to "freak out" and do as much damage as I could on the way out. They must have thought they grabbed the Tasmanian Devil!  I bit, I kicked, I scratched, I grabbed hair, I screamed! They were WAY stronger than me but I was quick, vicious, and WENT NUTS! The last thing I remember is hearing sirens in the distance and being hit repeatedly.

I woke up in the Toronto General hours later with a policeman sitting by my bed. I was slightly pleased to hear from the police that I had inflicted damage on my abductors and they now had some physical evidence but if it hadn't been for people walking near the zoo on the top of the valley who heard my screams and phoned the police, I would have been dead. Three or four young women had been killed before me and I was the first to survive. (I don't know if the subway rapists were ever caught.)

I was young and naive. I hadn't had the "social training" that other young girls get and it nearly cost me my life. To this day I can not be "restrained" without freaking out, not even in fun.

[Kate]

I seem to intimidate the heck outa men. I don't TRY to, but I'm guessing it's because of the height. I'm actually *more* confident now then I ever was as a boy, although I also make an effort to not be stupid about it. I lock my car doors the instant I'm inside, keep track of who's around me, etc. But ya know, I did that as a boy too, so it's really not that different.

I also don't hang out in risky places or with scary people, so it's rare for me to feel endangered.

If anything, I feel *empowered* now as a female, not weaker or at risk. I sorta feel like I've "come into my own."

~Kate~