->-bleeped-<-. It's been really recent. It's been a little over a year, and it took until about a month ago for me to really be secure with my identity. Now I'm just still trying to figure the rest out. I want to transition, but do I really? I need to meet some FtMs in person who are on HRT and understand their day to day experience. I need to know if I can handle it.
I know I'll always be some sort of cross dresser (unless I have a sex change, then I won't really be cross dressing anymore). I know this is the life for me. To present myself as male. But... whether or not I need or will be able to use the medical methods is still in question. I really want HRT, but I need to meet with a doctor and a therapist who can help me decide if that is really the right path for me.
Ever since I was really little I didn't identify as female. When I first thought I was transgendered I believed I was a genderqueer of some sort, because deep down if I had the ideal male body I'd probably dress pretty metrosexually. The only reason I don't now is because my female body would only accentuate the femininity of the clothes and I'd look like a "normal girl." My who life my female-ness was in question. It wasn't until I was 17 did I start having serious body dysphoria. I was a late bloomer, so I didn't really start developing breasts until I was 16. When I was 17, they got big enough (though still just an A cup) that I didn't look male-chested anymore. Then I was suddenly very anxious, upset, and disturbed by my body image.
I've never been able to masturbate like a lot of girls do. I tried penetration and it felt weird. Ever have a doctor stick something in your throat, ear, ass, or something? It was like that. It was awkward and felt like it didn't belong. Was I don't it right? Probably not. But I don't dare try again.
My periods always bugged me. "OMG I'M BLEEDING. I'M DYING." Every month. Not just the first time. It was like I forgot I was supposed to have a period. Now it's just like, "I'M DY-- Aw, <not allowed>. I'm on the goddamn rag." The panic is less, but I am still surprised. I keep thinking it's going to stop, and I keep wishing I'd somehow magically grow a penis.
When I was little I would wear boy's and girl's clothes interchangeably. Sometimes boy's pants and a girl's shirt. I'd play with dolls but I'd play with them in the dirt with little trucks. I'd climb trees and play soccer. My mom figured I was just a tomboy. So did I, until later I started having fantasies about being male. I was probably around 8 or 9 years old the first time I had a fantasy, or dream like this. That I was some guy hero-person, doing something amazing. Heck, sometimes I'd even get the girl. But what's weird is that I am not really into girls. Something about being in that gender role was exciting, even though I liked boys. When we'd play "house" and none of the girls wanted to be daddy, I'd insist on being daddy, or the uncle, or something. When I was little I'd play the guy a lot. And I'd enjoy it. The kids thought it was a little weird, but they enjoyed it too.
What made things so deceiving is that I did not protest girl things. Yay, I got a Barbie AND a video game for Christmas. I just liked fun in general. My hair was long when I was little, and I liked it. It was nice to have long hair, and I wanted it to be really long. I don't think that made me more of a girl, but it certainly made me look more like a girl. As I got older, I'd cut my hair every year at the beginning of the year, then let it grow out. Eventually I kept it the length it is now, which is pretty short. Here's a goofy picture of me with my friend Lauren on Prom night. No, she wasn't my date, lol.
Some days I pass better than others... -sigh- That wasn't really one of my days. I'm so short! In case you're wondering, yes, I was the token Elwood that night, as our Prom was at the House of Blues.
Discovering my gender identity was no easy task. I denied it for a long time. "Trans people are freaks! I'm not a freak!" Yeah, I was one of those. I eventually could deny it no longer. I'd been "pretending" I was a boy from childhood... but I realized I'd been pretending I was a girl all this time. To please my parents. To please my friends. To be safe, because I'm a wuss and I'm passive. I lay back and take ->-bleeped-<- from everybody, or at least I used to. I'd be a girl because that's what they wanted, and when I did what they wanted, I got a lot less hassle.
Gender has got nothing to do with flowers, pink, dolls, trucks, blue, skateboards, or ribbons. It's got to do with how we feel inside. I still like fishnets. I don't wear them because I want to pass, but I like them. I like fingernail tips. I wore them one time to see what nails were like (I'm a nail biter) and I liked it. Does that make me less of a guy? No. Does it make me less masculine? Sure. But masculinity isn't everything. I also really like men. Does that make me a woman? No. How do I know the difference? Well, that took a long time to figure out, too. I realized that vaginal sex wasn't going to work. I realized that being in a man's arm and being his sweetie was never going to work. I realized that I could never be a guy's "girlfriend."
Recently I've seen cute short girls and thought, "Ooh, I'd hit that." Then I'd think, "<not allowed>, if I could." No penis. It really is tough to want to do something and then remember that you can't. And I don't just mean sex. But I'd date her, and we'd break up because she wants vaginal sex eventually after we've gotten close. The whole situation is really hard to deal with. I started realizing that I might be bi or maybe even a sort of pansexual.
I did not have these special signs of obvious transness when I was a child. I played with boys and girls. I liked boy and girl things. I seem to like boys and girls and yet I still identify as male. That identification is based on the feeling inside of me, not the stereotypes society gives what I like. I like the male pronouns, the male name, and I want a male body. I may be a bit flamboyant, I might like to sing and dance and paint, I might sometimes even have a "passion for fashion," but being somewhat of a diva certainly doesn't make me less male. It makes me more like a gay guy in a lot of ways. And well, I think that's okay.
On the other hand, some parts of my personality and preferences are very masculine. Even my own family will point out that things about me are quite manly/guyish, and I think people in this forum know how uncomfortable it is for them. My masculinity really varies depending on my mood and the situation. Lately I'm only happy when I'm flamboyant because it works. When I try to be manly, I look like a dumb 15 year old trying to copy his dad. Maybe after T I'll be different... I hope I'll be different.
By the way, Havok, I love the image of you in a dress shirt, slacks, and tennis shoes. It brings a smile to me for some reason, haha. When I first wore a suit (I was Elwood for Halloween last year, WOOHOO!) my mom was very unhappy about it. I wore that same suit to prom (above) and well, she started to get used to the idea. I also wore the same suit to graduation (this is why I bought a nice suit; I could reuse it over and over!) and I've worn it to other various events. The black suit with the black tie and the white shirt has become a bit of a miniature trademark of mine. People know to expect me in that uniform during events. And in the more fun events, I'll bring the fedora and shade and bug some people, ahaha.
