The trials of a Transsexual.....Regrets in transitioning

[Chynna]

When its too late to purge!

Sometimes I find myself sitting alone and thinking to myself...
"what the hell have I done to myself!" - literally
Its not that I want to be a man or male (definitly not love being a woman)..but its a sense of everything getting to you at once. being a fulltime TS pre or post is like having 2 extra fulltime jobs with a IRS garnish on your current wages...gone are the days of just waking up and heading down to the corner store without a thought to your appearence. I seem to spend a majority of my time thinking of my flaws and how to maintain my lifestyle and my "image"...almost to the point of thinking of nothing else... Realistically I know that no matter how fine, drop dead gorgeous you are as a TS there will always be someone in a crowd who can clock or read you...... life seemed so simpler before transition (and less expensive too)
Sometimes I even carry this thought further thinking of ways I can "UNDO" what I've already done! LOl like that possible.....Me and a fairly close associate of mines named Neecie were discuss this same thing the other day except poor neecie was telling me she actually went to a surgeon to see if she could have the work she had done (silicone injections cheek, chin, lips, eyes, forhead) removed and was upset when the doctor basically told her NO (in a nutshell) sure there would be a difference but because the extent of the work she had done there wouldn't be a huge difference..

Guess one could catagorize this as "Negative effects (thoughts) of transitioning"

Anyone else tend to fall into this line of thought from time to time?

Chynna

[Melissa]

I think my only regret is how I came out to my parents/brother/sister.  I should have waited longer and been more prepared.  That and trying electrolysis before laser.

Melissa

[stephanie_craxford]

When its too late to purge!

Sometimes I find myself sitting alone and thinking to myself...
"what the hell have I done to myself!" - literally
Its not that I want to be a man or male (definitly not love being a woman)..but its a sense of everything getting to you at once. being a fulltime TS pre or post is like having 2 extra fulltime jobs with a IRS garnish on your current wages...gone are the days of just waking up and heading down to the corner store without a thought to your appearence. I seem to spend a majority of my time thinking of my flaws and how to maintain my lifestyle and my "image"...almost to the point of thinking of nothing else... Realistically I know that no matter how fine, drop dead gorgeous you are as a TS there will always be someone in a crowd who can clock or read you...... life seemed so simpler before transition (and less expensive too)
Sometimes I even carry this thought further thinking of ways I can "UNDO" what I've already done! LOl like that possible.....Me and a fairly close associate of mines named Neecie were discuss this same thing the other day except poor neecie was telling me she actually went to a surgeon to see if she could have the work she had done (silicone injections cheek, chin, lips, eyes, forhead) removed and was upset when the doctor basically told her NO (in a nutshell) sure there would be a difference but because the extent of the work she had done there wouldn't be a huge difference..

Guess one could catagorize this as "Negative effects (thoughts) of transitioning"

Anyone else tend to fall into this line of thought from time to time?

Chynna

For myself I have yet to experience any regrets, even had I known before had that my daughter would have the most difficult time would not have stopped me, and some may thing that is callus.  Being equally realistic Chynna there are going to be people who think you are ugly, attractive, smart  dumb, etc., you don't just have to be TS to experience those feelings.  There are GGs and GMs out there that get mistaken for the opposite sex so don't sweat it

I'm one of those who think that if you are TS then you will transition regardless of the cost or consequences.  For to dwell on the regrets or the negative is redundant, I have no choice I am a woman, I have to transition.

Steph

[Kate]

A timely question. I'm obviously not full time, so I can't relate to the day-to-day struggles you all face.

But... I had my fourth laser session yesterday, and it left my face in very, very bad shape. All afternoon I've been looking into the mirror and asking, "what the he$$ are you DOING?" I look like a total freak, and I'll be attracting stares and looks from people and coworkers for a week until it heals.

Now I know it doesn't compare to being full-time and whatnot, but I find myself wondering how the heck I'll ever deal with transitioning if I can't deal with a week of being a freak. It's SO tempting to just give up, cut the hair short, stop mutilating my face, and try to stop obsessing on all this. Sure, I know it'll crush my soul to never be a woman - but god... I don't know how to survive this. As Steph said, there may not be much of a choice in the end. But still... why does it have to be so darn traumatic?

Again, I know a week of laser damage <> fulltime living trials... but right now, right here, for me... this is all I can feel or think. And the possibility that EVERY day will soon be like this is... just impossible to consider.

[Melissa]

Kate, for me living fulltime has been far easier than tolerating the stares I received during pre-transition when I would have a raw face from electro or when I got earrings or dyed my hair.  I am treated as a woman and it feels wonderful.  Sure I still have the same things to deal with at work like getting projects done on time, but at least I feel right.  I think the work and embarassment that one puts themselves through before going fulltime will make living as female many times easier than it would have been otherwise. 

For instance, I've only had 2 laser sessions, but I carry my razor around in my purse to nick the few hairs that show up throughout the day.  If I had started the hair removal process sooner (I really started seriously tackling it in May), then it may have been much less of an inconvenience to deal with.  I know that by the time my next appointment comes around in a month, I'll be having to seriously keep an eye on those hairs.

Also, Hormones still have not reached their peak effectiveness period yet for me which is supposed to be 6-12 months after starting.

I just couldn't stand to wait any longer.  The call of going fulltime got to me and I had to.  I'm so glad I did.  I still have to occasionally out myself when explaining my legal name change, but I feel it's better to do that in the early stages than the later stages where the changeover hasn't happened so recently.  In other words, get as much done in your transition (such as starting HRT ) as early as possible.  It will increase passability and your transition will be much smoother.

Melissa

[Chynna]

But... I had my fourth laser session yesterday, and it left my face in very, very bad shape. All afternoon I've been looking into the mirror and asking, "what the he$$ are you DOING?" I look like a total freak, and I'll be attracting stares and looks from people and coworkers for a week until it heals.

Again, I know a week of laser damage <> fulltime living trials... but right now, right here, for me... this is all I can feel or think. And the possibility that EVERY day will soon be like this is... just impossible to consider.

that was exactly the type of circumstance I was talking about.
when I had mines I remeber doing that exact same thing KATE I wanted to cry on somedays especially after my second session when my "BEST FRIEND" looked at me and said "ewwww...D he really F@#$ up your face... your going to get a lot of un wanted attention and stares. That would be enough to make me not wanna go back!"

Doesn't sound like much of a friend but she did it to let me know if I could take that harsh comment coming from her then I can take it coming from a complete stranger.

doesn't matter if it happened today or last week if your full time or part time the struggle is the same

thanks Kate
PS I wanna ride that old train in new hope got any info for me?

Chynna




Posted at: July 12, 2006, 04:46:21 PM

For instance, I've only had 2 laser sessions, but I carry my razor around in my purse to nick the few hairs that show up throughout the day. 

I still do that just in case! LOL thanks sis thought I was the only one with a lady schick in her purse! LOL
Chynna

[Melissa]

Mine's a mach3. I love how well those ones work.

Melissa

[Chynna]

Damn this is a new thread! LOL

Is that a disposable or what??
and thats a Mach 3 what?

Sorry if too personal

Chynna

[stephanie_craxford]

A timely question. I'm obviously not full time, so I can't relate to the day-to-day struggles you all face.

But... I had my fourth laser session yesterday, and it left my face in very, very bad shape. All afternoon I've been looking into the mirror and asking, "what the he$$ are you DOING?" I look like a total freak, and I'll be attracting stares and looks from people and coworkers for a week until it heals.

Now I know it doesn't compare to being full-time and whatnot, but I find myself wondering how the heck I'll ever deal with transitioning if I can't deal with a week of being a freak. It's SO tempting to just give up, cut the hair short, stop mutilating my face, and try to stop obsessing on all this. Sure, I know it'll crush my soul to never be a woman - but god... I don't know how to survive this. As Steph said, there may not be much of a choice in the end. But still... why does it have to be so darn traumatic?

Again, I know a week of laser damage <> fulltime living trials... but right now, right here, for me... this is all I can feel or think. And the possibility that EVERY day will soon be like this is... just impossible to consider.

That sounds serious Kate, is this reaction different or worst than your previous sessions ?  You may need to get things checked out.  Try not to start comparing your experience with others.  Yes there are those who seem to have had an easy time , but there are may others who have had to suffer to reach their goals.  Also how others deal with problems and stress has no bearing or should have no bearing on how you deal with those same or similar problems.

While I'm no expert on laser treatments I would seriously seek a second opinion as there is no way you should be disfiguring your face.  Both laser and electro have side effects, but yours seems more serious.  It's hard enough having to cope with transition and the obstacles that are thrown in for good measure, without having to deal with the possibility of permanent disfigurement.  I would stop and check things out.

Steph

[Melissa]

Is that a disposable or what??
and thats a Mach 3 what?

Sorry if too personal

Chynna

No problem.  It's a Gillette Mach3 Turbo.  It's a men's razor and has replaceable blades. You can buy them for about $8 and I think those come with 2 blades.  I tried the 5 blade razor from Gillette and the blades are too close together and at the wrong angle for it to be as effective.

Melissa

[Elizabeth]

Hi Chynna,

I am not so sure about the usefulness of regrets. If someone can show me how they might be useful, I will consider it.  My own philosophical beliefs tell me that everything up until this moment are inflexible and non-moveable, and therefore not worthy of my consideration.

To worry about that which I can not change, is to me an act of futility. It has taken me a long time and much wasted effort, to realize that. To accept my past. It does not have to define who I am or what I will be today or tomorrow.  I see regrets as a self imposed shame of ones previous actions.  I have had enough self imposed shame.

Love always,
Elizabeth

[Kate]

While I'm no expert on laser treatments I would seriously seek a second opinion as there is no way you should be disfiguring your face.  Both laser and electro have side effects, but yours seems more serious.  It's hard enough having to cope with transition and the obstacles that are thrown in for good measure, without having to deal with the possibility of permanent disfigurement.  I would stop and check things out.

Thanks Steph. It's pretty ugly right now, but no worse than my first treatment... yet worse than #2 (which was bad) and #3 (which was fine, oddly enough). In all prior treatments, it has healed to look fairly normal after a few days, and is totally gone within a week. But this first day or three... ick. We did go up a step again in power this time, so I think I may have found my limit. I've heard people say they've had zero side effects, and I've heard of others being red-spotted for weeks to months, so it's difficult to know what's "normal."

I just keep reminding myself that as far as transitioning goes, this is the worst of it in terms of recovering cosmetic-wise (aside from FFS perhaps). I just gotta get through the rest of this week and after the weekend should be reasonably normal again. My remaining sessions will be on thursdays, so I'll just take off the fridays after, giving me much more time to heal before facing the world again

It just sucks to be doing things to try and look the way I *feel* inside... yet end up hiding out in shame and embarassment

[Owen]

I am not full time as of yet. I still have to shave each day ugg as I canot afford lazer removel due to no job. Any regrets I don't have any just yet as I haven't made any serious changes other than letting my hair grow longer and keeping my facial hair well shaved. I haven't really thought about turning back. I know in my heart I want to make this transition. It may be one year or five years down the road. I just know I want to be a woman and will do just about anything to accomplish that. I suppose at some point in my transition I might come to regret as to what I am doing to myself. It to early yet.

Owen

love being female

[stephanie_craxford]

Thanks Steph. It's pretty ugly right now, but no worse than my first treatment... yet worse than #2 (which was bad) and #3 (which was fine, oddly enough). In all prior treatments, it has healed to look fairly normal after a few days, and is totally gone within a week. But this first day or three... ick. We did go up a step again in power this time, so I think I may have found my limit. I've heard people say they've had zero side effects, and I've heard of others being red-spotted for weeks to months, so it's difficult to know what's "normal."

I just keep reminding myself that as far as transitioning goes, this is the worst of it in terms of recovering cosmetic-wise (aside from FFS perhaps). I just gotta get through the rest of this week and after the weekend should be reasonably normal again. My remaining sessions will be on thursdays, so I'll just take off the fridays after, giving me much more time to heal before facing the world again

It just sucks to be doing things to try and look the way I *feel* inside... yet end up hiding out in shame and embarassment

I didn't realize that laser could cause that much of a reaction.  Then I guess everyone is different.  I get electro, and although it's slower than laser, I only get a mild pink tone where the operator worked and it's gone after a day.  Still it starts to hurt towards the end of the session.  No pain no gain I guess.

Many TS have to suffer the indignity of facial hair removal and the short term after effects, a necessary evil I guess.  It is disheartening to see your face after a session and the best way to combat that it to plan your sessions as you are doing so that you can stay out of the public eye until the effect subside somewhat, or only venture out on moonless nights, with a cape, and a mask, and a whip, and some chains, and... ooops sorry I was getting you confused with Leigh

Ya get the idea.  Anyway I'm glad that the laser isn't doing any more than you expect.

Chat later,

Steph

[Luc]

Okay. First, Chynna, I gotta say, having and having had numerous friends who are heterosexual women, that's just what they go through. I realize that you're more worried about your appearance, etc, because you're afraid of being perceived as being any less than a woman, but as for having to worry about whether you look just right or not, that's just the woman thing, in my experience. Yeah, if I want to look as much like a dude as possible, it takes a slight bit more prepping than when I normally go out, but had I gone from a feminine chick to a FtM, it would have been a much larger change. Guys are low-maintenance, at least the vast majority of them. Get up, shower, maybe comb the hair, throw on some clothes, and go wherever you need to go. Even when living as a chick I was incredibly low-maintenance, and for the short time I did wear make-up and "dress to impress" (sometime around my mid-teens), it just irritated me that it took so long, and that I was spending so much time prepping and primping and whatnot.

You said you don't want to go back to being a man (and apparently it's mostly irreversible, anyway), so I think your worries might just be more in line with the fact that you ARE female and thus trying to conform to that persona, than that you regret your transition. I don't know. Just a thought....

Rafe

[DawnL]

Regrets may not be useful but to regret is human along with many other useless traits we humans share.  Transition is not a one-way ticket to gender nirvana.  I agree with Melissa that post-transition is easier than the middle stage during laser--though that doesn't just end either, I'm still getting laser and laser-face.  I pass well, I don't get stared at by people who don't know me.  Some people who knew me then still treat me as a male/freak in some fashion.  Some people do accept but most stumble through trying to deal with it.  I go stealth in the music world and worry constantly about be outed.  Transition comes usually at great personal cost and it's hard sometimes to swallow that and say, "gee, I'm glad my life worked out this way."  It can be worse, yeah, but really, that's such a stupid cliche.  Overall, I'm happier and more comfortable but it ain't heaven.

Dawn

[Kate]

It is disheartening to see your face after a session and the best way to combat that it to plan your sessions as you are doing so that you can stay out of the public eye until the effect subside somewhat, or only venture out on moonless nights, with a cape, and a mask, and a whip, and some chains, and... ooops sorry I was getting you confused with Leigh

ROFL, what an image...

Not to stray too far from the thread topic, but I find it amusing that I'm here at work today wearing enough Dermabland to make any drag queen proud, lol. Any other day, I'd be terrified to wear a drop of even ordinary makeup for fear of being busted... but my priorities have shifted just a bit, lol, and I just *slathered* it on this morning to cover the red marks from the laser. It actually worked surprisingly well. Heck, I shoulda just followed up with mascara and lipstick and be done with it.

So stupid me, I explained why I was "out sick" yesterday to my boss this morning ("cosmetic laser surgery damage"), as I figured it was still obvious *something* had happened to my face. Once finished, his remark was, "Huh. If you didn't tell me, I wouldn't have known. You don't look any different." Great. So now my boss knows I'm having laser surgery (I mentioned, but didn't stress that it removes the beard). And he knows I wear makeup, lol. Funny how things work out sometimes.


Posted at: July 13, 2006, 10:10:26 AM

Some questions will always remain.  You will always have some doubts. You will always have regrets.  It always boils down to making a decision and living with it.  Chose your dragons carefully.  Prepare.  And make a decision.

"Measure twice, cut once"

Or for some of us, measure a dozen times, get expert second opinions, have the yardstick calibrated, question the validity of measurements at all, compensate for gravitational distortions, discuss the philosophy and technque of comparitive measuring...

[Melissa]

So stupid me, I explained why I was "out sick" yesterday to my boss this morning ("cosmetic laser surgery damage"), as I figured it was still obvious *something* had happened to my face. Once finished, his remark was, "Huh. If you didn't tell me, I wouldn't have known. You don't look any different." Great. So now my boss knows I'm having laser surgery (I mentioned, but didn't stress that it removes the beard). And he knows I wear makeup, lol. Funny how things work out sometimes.

Now you've gone and done it.  I guess you have to transition now.

Or for some of us, measure a dozen times, get expert second opinions, have the yardstick calibrated, question the validity of measurements at all, compensate for gravitational distortions, discuss the philosophy and technque of comparitive measuring...

I started out with this approach, but I knew in my heart what was true and I felt I was just going through the motions just to say I had done it.  I decided that transition had to commence and started transitioning as soon as possible.  I started with whatever I could like coming out and ordering some CDs to help with my voice.  Also, I got enough "items" to be able to go to my support group meetings en femme.

Melissa

[wolfie]

life seemed so simpler before transition

chynna, did it really? sure things may not have been as complicated regarding getting ready to go out and financially, etc, but having to deal with the internal struggle and unsettled feelings were almost the death of me. personally things got less complicated (in some aspects) when i fully begun my transition.

however i have thought "oh my god, what if i regret it when i'm older. i know i won't, but what if i do and my wife leaves me and.... blah blah blah blah". i'm just a little worrier i suppose, but i'm really glad that you posted this chynna... i've been thinking about that lately. i believe now that it is normal to feel that way and that "this too shall pass" i suppose.


     Tino

[Chynna]

chynna, did it really?

From my general point of view...YES,
But transitioning as oppossed to the alternative (waking up every morning and looking in the mirror and not reconizing or liking the person starring back at you!)

Ill take transitioning...plus I noticed for the first time in my life im actually HAPPY!

but its just wierd to have these "regret" - (for lack of a better word) feelings every now and then

Chynna