Coming out - unnecessary?

[Yochanan]

I'm beginning to wonder if coming out is necessary at all.

I came home from school last week to find that my mom had come home from work early. She was there to meet me at the door, and I was still wearing my binder. At first I got startled and held my backpack in front of my chest, but she didn't notice. I went in and put my stuff down, and when I gave her a hug, she kind of pushed me away by the shoulders and looked down at my chest questioningly. I panicked and said, "What? What're you looking at?" and she said, "Your shirt." That was it. Since then I've worn my binders around her and my stepmom, and they haven't said a word, though I'm fairly certain they both noticed (I'm rather "well-endowed", and the disappearance of my breasts are noticable to people who know me).

Another thing: I was hanging out in the kitchen with my mom while she cooked. I was talking about my childhood and some friends I used to have. (She wasn't around at that point in my life--we were reunited for the first time in 16 years in '07.) I said, "They always made me play the girl parts. I don't know why," talking about the games I played with my little guy friends. She replied, "Because you were a girl--or they thought you were." This leads me to believe that she knows I don't see myself as a girl.

My mom is transsexual too (or was, she'd probably say), so I know she sees the signs of my ->-bleeped-<-. If I came out to her, she'd probably say, "Ok, that's cool" and the only thing that would change would be my pronouns and maybe my name. I might be "son" and "boy". But at this point, I don't give a ->-bleeped-<- what pronouns or endearments people use with me. No one tries to make me be female. I'm free to act and live as a male who's called "she" and "Katie". So, until I need help getting HRT or surgery, is there even any point in me coming out? I don't think so.

[Flo]

Yochanan,

I find this to be an incredibly great post as per the subject line...surprised more people haven't responded.

I simply, albeit, slowly...started changing my appearance...not "saying" to anyone "hey you..I am a transexual...take it ot leave it"....but just changing. 

Found that most true friends have been accepting..but somewhat after the fact, if you know what I mean.  Didn't have to ask or tell...

Just being myself, they have no problem. And life continues.

I agree, you don't necessarily have to out youself, just be yourself.

As always,

Flo

[NicholeW.]

If you can do what you're doing and be comfortable doing it, then go for it.

Transition, coming-out, etc are about the individual's comfort. You do NOT have to fit some grand "pattern." There are none, not really. Everyone has his, her or their own story. The days when they all needed to be the same, except for maybe in Britain and at the Clarke seem to be over.

Forge your own path, luv. We all do anyhow.

Nichole

[trapthavok]

It sounds like everything seems as normal as it can be. If you don't feel the need to come out, I suppose you shouldn't have to. Should your parents ever ask, then yeah you can probably tell them but until then if you don't see the need, don't bother.

It's fine not to come out if it's unnecessary, but should you ever feel that those pronouns need to change and you want to be called by a male name, then go for it.

[Yochanan]

This morning my mom said to me, "You're the woman!" I looked at her funny and she added, "Well, you're not the MAN--or maybe you are, I don't know." This was all in the context of a joke, but I think she was semi-not-kidding as well.

It would be nice to be called my chosen name. My parents know I go by that name (I actually have this thing I made in woodshop like, five years ago that says "JOHNNY" hanging above my bed). I've mostly gotten them to call me Kat, which is a nick derived from my given name, but I find it rather androgynous, so it's better than "Katie". I can't even get my bio-mom to call me "Katie", though--she calls me my old name ("K.D."). Bah.

Now I just have to stop acting like a "girl" and I'll be set (I'm kind of a crybaby... I know it's not "girly" to cry, but I feel unmanly when I do).

[Pica Pica]

I suppose a definite coming out is a rite of passage as well as other things. Especially if it isn't news to the people you are coming out to, it is instead a statement of intent.

[Yochanan]

I like that--coming out as a statement of intent. Nice way to put it.

[tekla]

When you are comfortable with the idea yourself, your going to be OK with telling other people that 'this is what I am'.  If you can't do the second, then the first is at doubt also.

[jenny_]

It sounds like the people your coming out to are going to be fine with it, so you have very little risk in coming out.  And then they'll be prepared for when you do want to go by your chosen name.

Nichole's right though, do whatever your comfortable with doing 

[Elwood]

I had to come out. I require financial support. Mind you, I am in California, the economy has eaten ->-bleeped-<- here. I also am OCD, which I also consider a type of disabled. My life is difficult because of the way I see the world around me. Obsessive thoughts buzzing around in my brain is what puts me in the most danger. I really can't be alone for too long in public because I don't see cars.

Because I'm the only "queer" in my family, I'm probably going to be one of the transfolk who looses most of their family in the process. They just can't handle it... Because I need help with my living situation (a home to live in), they'll see the effects of T. So I decided to have my dad fully involved, because he'd find out anyway.

[Yochanan]

When you are comfortable with the idea yourself, your going to be OK with telling other people that 'this is what I am'.  If you can't do the second, then the first is at doubt also.

I am quite comfortable with myself, but I don't have to go around saying, "I'm a boy," or (god forbid) "I'm transsexual." I don't need to label myself for others. As far as I'm concerned, "what I am" is a person, a student, a Californian, an American, a writer, a gardener, a rocker, a musician, a philosopher--among other things. I doubt I'd include "trans" or "male" in my description of "what I am", ever. I am not my gender; it is a trait of me.

[Elwood]

Good point. Although, saying "My name is Daniel" is also saying, "I'm a boy," because of a masculine name. And by dressing the way I do, I'm telling people I'm a guy. I don't, however, wear a transsexual hat. I do wear a queer hat (a homosexual one), but I am not really ready to tell everyone that I'm trans. Though a lot of people already know.

When I specify who I am, I do include male. For me, it's self-confirmation. Helps my confidence a little. And anything that helps my confidence is a good thing, I think. I really don't have much confidence as it is.

[Yochanan]

Good point. Although, saying "My name is Daniel" is also saying, "I'm a boy," because of a masculine name. And by dressing the way I do, I'm telling people I'm a guy. I don't, however, wear a transsexual hat. I do wear a queer hat (a homosexual one), but I am not really ready to tell everyone that I'm trans. Though a lot of people already know.

When I specify who I am, I do include male. For me, it's self-confirmation. Helps my confidence a little. And anything that helps my confidence is a good thing, I think. I really don't have much confidence as it is.

This is why I've settled on "Kat" for now--not particularly masculine or feminine, to me, plus it's derived from my given name, so my parents use and like it. I wear the "queer hat", too. I'm all about gay pride. I am not, however, out to anyone IRL as trans. I'm not going to ask for "John" or "he" until after I've officially begun transitioning.

It's good that labeling yourself male is a confidence boost. I prefer to boost my confidence through achievements (school, work, personal goals, etc.).

[Elwood]

Wow, you lucky.

Wait, so you like men? It's probably um... confusing for them. When you wear the queer hat but remain like... androgynous? See, now I'm confused, lol.

Oh, ->-bleeped-<-. I'm out to so many people IRL as trans. I had to see if they supported me... I needed to see if I'd be alone after I started transition. A lot of them do support me... In fact, only people from my family object the idea. Even my best friend of 10 years says that she knew this for a while and thinks it's appropriate for me. She's known me for 10 freakin' years!

I do boost my confidence through achievement and such. I do not strut about living to be a man. I'm a performer, musician, artist, writer, and comedian. I really feel the most accomplishment when I make someone laugh.

[Yochanan]

I like men, women, and anything in between. I'm pansexual. And I don't TRY to be androgynous--I TRY to be masculine, but it doesn't really work, so I come out looking like a butch dyke or (on good days) an androgyne. I don't know how people react, really--I don't have anyone I could call a friend or anyone I'm romantically interested in. I've got bigger things to worry about just now, anyway.

I know my mom (bio-dad) and stepmom would support me, but the rest of my family would not. My situation is made all the more complicated by the fact that I have a trans parent--people think I'm copying her. That is a major factor in why I'm doing my best not to have to "come out". That and the fact that if my mom gets mad at me again, I might not see my three year old sister for another six months (I pretty much raised the kid as if she were my own, so we're close). I've just gotten back on friendly terms with my mom--I'll not jeopardize it now.

[trapthavok]

Why wouldn't you see your sister? Has that happened before?

[Yochanan]

Here's the story:

Last year I met my mom (biological father) for the first time since I was, like, two. Almost immediately (less than a month after first talking), I wanted to move in with her and she wanted me to. My bio-mother was very very against it. Since I was a minor I felt I had to listen to her. Also, my SO at the time lived with me and my bio-mom's family, and he was against it, too. However, it got so bad at my bio-mom's place that one night I called my mom to come get me. The cops were called and drama ensued. (Coincidentally, that night I met the only good cop I've ever come across.) Anyway, I escaped with the clothes on my back (barely) and some files I needed for school (only after the cops ordered my mom to let me get them). After that I was out of contact with that side of the family for months. I didn't care, really, but my sister was kept from me and I just KNOW she heard all sorts of horrible ->-bleeped-<- about me and my mom.

My bio-mom is adamantly against me being trans--I've asked in the context of a joke. She's not against transpeople in general, but she would never believe that I'm not doing it just to be like my other mom. If I come out, I'm terrified she'll keep the baby away from me again. When I lived there, it was really bad. Sometimes that kid was the only thing that kept me going. Better to suffer in silence than to be cut off from her again.

[Elwood]

You know, trans could be genetic. It could be a mutation or inherited. Everything about a person-- their body, their personality, their quirks-- is formed by either nature or nurture. Nature being genetics, nurture being anything from the environment. Either one or both of those factors contribute to GID. It isn't really an unreasonable guess to believe it could have something to do with your mom (the trans one).

[Yochanan]

I was raised to be open to everything (though never exposed to transpeople, not even my mom). I don't think I was ever encouraged to explore gender or anything--I did, though (before puberty, I'd stand in front of a mirror with jean shorts on, pull my hair back, and flex--I thought I made a good-looking boy, but that changed after I got tits). I don't know if I quite believe that it's hereditary, but it's certainly a possibility. I wasn't raised around my mom, so it certainly wasn't her influence that made me this way.

[Elwood]

I was raised to be open to everything too. But my mom closed that door when I told her I was trans. My perspective of her has completely changed. I thought she gave "love and light" to everyone, regardless of their lifestyle. I was wrong.

I cross dressed, packed, and even posed as a boy long before I questioned my gender identity. It's really weird. I didn't see anything strange about it, or rather, I didn't think about it. I just did those things. It's really strange looking back at it.