Hiya! I am Jade or Wraiven. I am 22 about to be 23 the 16th of this month... I cant say im exactly happy about it, feeling I have already lost so much time. I am a MtF Transsexual, and this is alittle about me.
I have never really been comfortable with my body, all the way back to elementary school. It just didnt feel "natural" I guess you might say. I was raised to be a very logical thinker. I knew I didnt have the body my sister did... everyone called me a boy... I had to be! I looked like a boy... kind of, I was always somewhat dainty for a boy....so many things said I was a boy. I tried for the longest to shut out my thoughts of wanting to be a girl, feeling like a girl, wanting the stuff that was okay for a girl to have but not me. Afraid that my mother and father would be mad at me if I told them I kept it to myself for years and focused on being the thing everyone expected me to be... a boy.
When I hit my teens I started suffering from depression and anger problems. Watching my sisters develop into younge ladies while my body developed into a yongue man. It was almost unbarable... I despised myself so much I couldnt hardly look in a mirror, I could see the girl behind my eyes but seeing her wraped in a male image... I wanted to just smash the mirror and break the illusion...I couldn't and still cant... bring myself to look down while I was/am in the shower, and for awhile I flirted with a "perminate" solution. I hated myself more knowing I suffered in silence because I was to afraid to tell my family what was going on, and I hated them more because I felt they would shun me for it.
I finally reached a breaking point at 16... I found no pleasure in anything, I stoped smiling and everything became all together pointless... I had no intrest in life as a boy or trying to take part in life as a boy. I knew in my head and heart I was a girl, a daughter and a sister... I tried to tell myself I didnt care what my family thought but I still did. I fell into the Goth/Punk image and used it as a cover to become even more feminin then I already was, I started wearing makeup, panting my nails, grew my hair out and slowly started to feel slightly better, given I was still very much disgusted with my body. This went on till I turned 22.
The thought of having a male body for the rest of my life was no better then being dead. I came out to my mother and father finally, which didnt take it as well as I had hoped and are still hoping that I will change my mind about it im sure. I then started looking around for information and help and was having a real hard time doing it alone. Then I met a very good friend, Candlelight. A member of this site, on a MMORPG(Massive multiplayer online roleplaying game) and it finally came out from both of us that we were almost the exact same with a few differences, I was shown the site and have been helped and supported by Candle sense, and as a result my anger is now fading as a small light of hope begins to flicker in my dark tunnal. This is a little bit about me and my story and how I came to be here.
Special thanks to Candlelight for helping me down this road, and to those that I might find here that can help me.
