the long hard road out of hell...aka the journey out of pants and into dresses.

[LoveRx]

ok, I have a bit of a choice to make here. but in order to show you my dilemma I would like to tell you a story...

I do indeed feel female.as a kid I was very tiny and timid. I suppose not being able to go to preschool made me more passive then the other kids.
whether or not I was born transgendered or not is probably irrelevant but in my child years I crossdressed and tried to grow my hair out. my parents seemed to be ok with my little "adventures" and my dad would let me try on bras at the store, etc. looking at how intolerant my parents are now I am puzzled as to why they supported me so much as a child.

one day when I was about 9, I was looking at my mother while she was applying makeup and asked if I was interested in trying it. I remember being so excited then so I rushed on and smeared it on my face. I was an uncoordinated bugger so I resembled a disheveled clown then the girl next door. never the less i was happy. something felt right. being a woman felt like an art almost. Michelangelo loved painting. and Mozart created music. but even at that early age, I new, my art was woman.

as I grew older I grew embarrassed of my thoughts but at the same time pleased whenever someone called me "->-bleeped-<-" or any other term that could remotely hint at my femininity. it was my albatross of shame and at the same time my badge of honor. I apologize if I can't quite explain it.
I had a fascinating love hate relationship with my desire to be a girl.

being so thin, my mom had me eat a lot of fast food to compensate. I guess being an asian woman she thought that I would starve to death in america as in burma if I didn't gobble up everything in site. regardless as my form of cuteness diminished into a manifestation of obesity my
pride in my womanhood diminished. to put it simply, I was beginning to feel less like jessika alba and more like rosie odonald.

so my story continued on to middle school and the 1st year of highschool where I secretly yearned to express myself, but outwardly was unable to safely do so. around sophomore year I tried desperately to lose weight. I would diet and exercise like no tomorrow and by junior year I managed to become a skinny 127 lbs hipster/indie kid. a far cry from diva but slightly less butch then rosie odonald.(and at least I could wear skinny jeans. but it wasn't until a little phenomenon known as the "scene kids" made themselves known to me that I was able to find an excuse to shine.

it was a miracle, dressing scene was the most liberating endevor I had undertaken. no other fad allowed me to wear makeup, tight clothing ,don pink and honey bleached long hair, yet still allowed me to assert my status as a straight male without coming off as ridiculous.
it was simply a style and the "best-excuse-ever!!" I even gave jeffery star a run for his money! life was peachy..... or so I thought.....

I had fun yes,, but living in a small town made my quest for self expression an arduous journey. sure no one beat me up, but they sure didn't make it any easier to be myself. I got sneers in the hallway, dresscode violations left and right, I may as well have had the word "queer" stamped on my forehead.
I wasn't gay. truthful, straight as a board. I loved girls I still do. I love them, the way they dress the way the look the way they smell.
I do believe the word "lesbian" is what I was supposed to be.

but that was the problem. I had no problems getting dates from any guy who was remotely bi-curious.
and as puberty had not hit me until 18 and a half even some of the straight guys hit on me thinking I was a chick.
but that was the problem. being gay wasn't me. I love girls. but girls always saw me as one of them.
and the girls that were willing to mess around were as ubly as sin.

there were simply no girls willing to date a walking manifestation of themselves. and I was still technically a guy...anatomically speaking.
in other words I was screwed.

so here I am at the present time of my life. I have since gone through puberty and my face is masculine looking, ugh!!.
wide jaw, wide cheekbones, sagging eyelids, protruding brow bossing, broad shoulders, the works.....
there was no way I could pull off the "femme rockstar" look any more. I'm washed up.
I have since cut my hair and started dressing more conservatively.

I still wear tight clothing. but its still guys cloths. I have since found out that certain European cuts of jeans/shirts/pants can look adequately feminine but still be called menswear. people around me still think I'm gay but since I have dated a few girls most accept that I am metrosexual.

but I still feel horible for lying to myself. even people who I have recently met comment that my movements are "feminine" or I walk like a girl, or that my hand gestures and the way I talk are womanly.

I mentioned before that I was finally able to date women I was attracted to. I have even had sex with them and enjoyed it.
I accept that I am a woman but I still want to keep my penis.
I feel strange saying this but I feel as if I have spiritually morphed it into the ultimate vagina, but a higher evolved form.

I also feel strange saying this(and a bit guilty), but even if I cannot be a girl, I do not mind having the face of a woman and be thin like one.
I have seen many cool looking guys that could pass as women and they exude an attractiveness that portrays elements of both genders.
I have long since decided that no matter what I decide I am I will for sure 100% get facial feminazation surgery done for me. I idolize the female face and to imagine its qualities on my own brings me joy.
I have seen my face with minor alterations (jaw reduction, forehead lift, brow bone shaving, cheekbone reduction, makeup) on photoshop and
I am confident that I can achieve my desired look through plastic surgery. my main goal is to be able to shave my head, wear no makeup and still look undeniably female. and pretty too!!

but another issue of passing is the body.
I enjoyed crossdressing but I have not done it in quite I while. I am not fat right now, but I am still not as skinny as I was in highschool.
so I am unsure of the possibility of looking female in the future..
part of the problem is discipline.

I plan to join the airforce and train my body to be fit once again.
I have already enlisted.


but lets say if, and only if, I decide to be true to myself.

that would mean when all preparation is said and done (ffs, getting super skinny, etc) I would have to be honest with my own identity and go on with HRS,  and possibly SRS.
I suspect that my soul would be in peace.

but what about women?
I love girls, I love sex. I love being with them, their minds and heart are as soft and beautiful as their bodies. I would never have the stomach to marry a guy. NEVER.
I have never been to a "lesbian" hangout or gay bar so I have no idea what the difficulty level picking up hot girls would be as a transexual woman. but alas the worrying persists.

I have no idea what it would be like to date a girl as....well..err a girl.

this is my dilenma. for the time being (before I earn enough for FFS) I am stuck being a metrosexual man who everyone thinks is gay but has the chance to date girls.

later on, however, I may be able to have a truly femme appearance.
  I think I'm a good looking guy too. but I not confident that handsomeness would translate itself well if I were to live as a woman.
If I would pull this off, passing is everything to me. its all or nothing.


so this is my dilemma.

please I am worried sick about my future. my brain is turning to mush with all the different possibilities and such.
you gals seem to be experienced and wise. many of you seem to have lived a life that, me as a 19 yr old, could only hope to learn from.

I'm asking for your advice, your thoughts on my life story, and your similar thought patterns and dilemmas.
it may seem selfish, but I would feel a great deal better if I would hear about someone who is going through the same thing.

thanks....

[cindybc]

"Wow," Hon giving my head a shake. Not quite wide awake yet need a couple more coffee's.
*First,* let me welcome you to Susan's. There is much you can learn here both from the members and there is much information and suggestions you may want to read through on the home page.  https://www.susans.org/
*Two*. Continue consulting with your gender therapist to help you unravel this seemingly insurmountable dilemma. it won't be accomplished in one night/day but is not impossible to surmount one step as a time and you eventually find a good many of the answers to your many questions. I will be back later sometime today.

With love

Cindy

[Stealthgrrl]

I read this a couple of days ago, and started to reply, but then got all stealthy shy about being too self revealing. But now I am back and here goes.

Your message above reminds me a lot of me when I was 19. I enlisted that year--the hands of relatives planted firmly in my back, pushing me into the recruitment office may have had some small bit to do with it--and I can tell you that I hated every single second of being in the Air Force. It was total torture to me to be in such an unrelentingly male, macho envoronment. I wanted to die every day. Your experience may not be the same, but please think very hard before actually taking this step.

As for girls and women and attraction to them...I was always, and still am terrifically attracted to females. The problem was, that even more than wanting to be with one, I wanted to BE one. And as with you, they always picked up on my "girl" vibe and wanted to be pals, not lovers. Even the woman I would marry, when we were dating, would call me her girl. And I thought I was hiding it all so well, geez. *rolls eyes*

Anyway, when I decided to transition, I was mostly happy cos I just loved seeing myself looking back from the mirror looking more feminine every day. But, I was scared I might lose the attraction I had always felt for women, and that was always such a big part of me, it scared me. If I ended up attracted to guys, I thought fine, no big thing, but I didn't want to NOT be attracted to women. Well, I needn't have worried.

If anything, I am MORE attracted to women than I even was before, though the dynamic is different. I can't explain that in words, I think it something that is impossible to understand except from the inside, from living it. And in fact, my Lesbianism is closer to my heart than almost anything else that is me.

Believe me, I totally understand your desire to look in the mirror and see a feminine face looking back. For me, that never gets old, never never never. No one understands the idea of looking in the mirror and not seeing one's self looking back like trans or the facially disfigured do. To finally have that gift is something precious. But I do wonder what your life would be like, with a female face and the rest...not.

I wish you the best of luck, and truly, my heart goes out to you. You remind me of me, long ago and far away.

Stealth

[Tgirly]

Oh wow, I've been wanting to be a girl ever since I was 13, but I am totally hetero-straight and lesbian like you. It was one day my buddies and I were sitting in a spa and the subject came up how cool it would be to have a vagina, the funny thing was I always thought about it almost every other day. I would imagine myself being strapped on by a girl as a girl and that's what gets me really giddy inside. I haven't really considered HRT until recently when I joined this forum and I told my parents that I wanted to be a girl because it's a decision that I've been pondering and still deciding on now. My parents are very supportive and understanding, so I am very lucky to have those kind of parents. They are willing to do whatever it takes to make me feel comfortable. I really would like to be brave enough to wear dresses and skirts outside of my home but I am just not brave enough yet. I figured if I go on with HRT I would have no choice but to be brave as feminine features start growing out of control. I hope you will make the choice that makes you happiest, I know I'm close to making mine. Maybe someday I can find a nice lesbian lover... not for what I look like but for who I am because there is no turning back after hormones are replaced. I want to start HRT now because the younger the better, ripe at the age of 19, but very afraid of transitioning and the final result.

[cindybc]

Hi Tgirly if your parents have given their consent, "go for it" while your still young. 19 years old you bet the estrogen will have fun changing your body to the gender you choose. But first you will need to find a gender therapist before you can even get HRT prescribed to you. You have the opportunity to be as complete as medical science can make you in a rather short time. There after enjoying the rest of your life in the chosen gender.

Cindy

[Stealthgrrl]

Oh wow, I've been wanting to be a girl ever since I was 13, but I am totally hetero-straight and lesbian like you.

You may think I'm splitting hairs, but these are not the same thing. It took me a couple of years post transition to understand that I hadn't brought forward a male sexuality, that in fact I had never had one to bring forward, but instead have always had a Lesbian sensibility.

My orientation confused me a lot at first, because most of the trans women I met or read about seemed to want boyfriends and I didn't. Then I read in "True Selves" that, just as a certain percentage of the population at large are gay, a certain percentage of the trans population are also gay, and that includes me.

Even before I even knew what "trans" was, I was always attracted to women who invariably turned out to have one degree or another of attraction to other women. This isn't surprising at all in hindsight, but at the time I couldn't figure it out, lol.

Good luck to you, tgirly. And tell those parents of yours that you love them. My mother thinks I'm a source of shame for being trans, even though I "pass".

Stealth

[krisalyx]

oh great a danzig refrence could have been worse you could have name dropped danzig's song mother, but really ->-bleeped-<- 'em all my life it's always been ->-bleeped-<- this & ->-bleeped-<- that just ->-bleeped-<- 'em & ->-bleeped-<- that just live your life the way you want to, same thing here in hellhole va i walk pretty feme anyway so i've always been accused of wanting to be a girl (here i'l try to describe myself i'm pretty much like most pre-ops anyway fat face kinda ugly blame that on  a hatemongering parrent who's constantly like "your ugly i wish you were dead i wish i'd never had you" and so on so basically if i wasnt to wear dresses i'll wear 'em if i wanna wear girly jeans  pant my nails wear hose and socks i'll do it.oh i'm just sorry about the emo crap i just had to vent this out of my system.

[Kristen]

I feel strange saying this but I feel as if I have spiritually morphed it into the ultimate vagina, but a higher evolved form.

You got an advanced copy of the Vagina 2.0 ?!?

I thought Steve Jobs wasn't releasing those till next year. Lucky.

[sd]

I too did the Air Force thing, like Stealthgirl and agree with all she said except I was not totally miserable, but bad enough. I too thought I was hiding it so well, except for the fact that I was eventually called out on some things shortly before I got out... yeah, I was stealth.  The military is a mens game. If you don't fit the mix you will stick out like a sore thumb. You just will.

Don't expect the Air Force to get you in shape, in fact I would expect just the opposite. As long as you pass their physicals (a joke in themselves), they really could not care less what you do. Get an exercise video, it will provide you with as much help on getting healthy.


As for your sexuality, why rush it, it will work itself out. As you find yourself, you may find it is quite different than you thought. I think that in many cases until you have settled your gender issues, sexuality can be almost impossible to figure out.

[cindybc]

Hi Stealthgrrl, been a bit since we crossed paths. I pray all is good with you.

I have a little story to tell, some of it you may have already heard but no mater how many times one can tell the same story over again there are always details that were not included in the previous story.

Just to quickly sum the first part of it up. I also grew up preferring girls to boys, but once I reached puberty I soon discovered the attraction had nothing to do with a sexual desire. My desire was wishing with all my heart I could wake up in the morning and be a girl. I even prayed for it to happen, but of course it never happened.

Back in the sixties and seventies transsexuality was unheard of, so the only thing I had to compare to it was the one word which was quite well known, *transvestite,* Then one day I overheard a male friend tell another male friend how they would like to rearrange a transvestite's anatomy if they were ever run into one.

The only other mention I had ever heard back in the late sixties remotly relating to the term transsexual, I beleive at rhe time they referred to it as a male to female sex change. That was  Christine Jorgensen, and here I thought, well there is one crazy transvestite who went one step to far. And so it was that my deep secrete would remain deeply repressed never too see daylight again so I promised myself.

So here I was with these on and off desires to be a woman and dressing at every opportunity I had, *not interested* in sex with women, and certainly not men either, although there was a secrete fascination and still is a bit of fascination with the desire of the wonderful feeling of being held in a man's arms. and I do to this day, I still love to be hugged or held by a gentleman. 

Later in my thirties I met a woman I thought I could probably love but what I realy fell in love with was the idea of a family. She had a beautiful three year old girl and I am a sucker for kids, I love kids. So we got married and shortly after all hell broke loose and I soon was to discover that she was the spouse from hell.

I was literally mentally and physically abused for 6 years and two more kids later and being raped several times I finally got the momentum for escape velocity. I moved with a friend in the res and lived there with her for five years until I was once again raped and beaten and probably may have died in a bathtub where I had been beaten before I friend came to my rescue.

I remained single and drank alcoholically for 20 years and resided on the streets for the last 5 years then came up for air and 12 years later I found my way to the door step of transition. I started full time 9 years ago and I met my present partner Wing Walker here on Susan's chat 7 years ago.  It was hers and mine decision that we had no interest in having a relation ship with another woman nor a man. So we chose each other. Two post op ladies sharing their lives together. I may have been Asexual to begin with or the experiences I have had in the past killed any chance of my developing any sexual orientation with a heterosexual woman.

I can only suggest that you young uns think very carefully and seriously of all the consequences and have a good heart to heart consultation with a gender therapist before taking this very serious step that will alter your entire life, for the better or the worst. That is what only you can decide. Is this truly for you? Is this trully you?

Cindy