I'm ready...but I'm not ready!! panic =/

[trapthavok]

I've come to terms with the fact that I don't belong in this body and rejecting the idea of trying to conform to social norms just so I'm not different... I don't care about being different I just want to be happy. I hate certain body parts and I want to be more masculine. I want to cut my hair, change my clothes-- I want to do it all right down to having a packer. I'm excited about the prospect of finally filling in that piece of me that's always seem to be missing.

I've set  a date for the beginning of the end of "being female" but now I've only got one problem. School is right around the corner =/ It's my last year of college and I've made a tie with one of my professors next semester (the kind of tie that might help me get a job after graduation)...

I guess the thing is, I just don't want people to look at me any differently than before and I don't want to destroy past relationships with professors just by being myself. I really want to change into the person I really am, even if it's just via RLE because I'd be really depressed if I didn't. Now that I know who I am, it would seem wrong not to be myself anymore, especially since not being myself would sink me back into the depression I've been feeling for a long time. I'm just afraid since A) I haven't come out to anyone yet since I don't want to come out til I'm 100% sure and B) I don't want to destroy professional relationships that might harm me in the future.

I know I definitely want to be myself, but I'm afraid of the repercussions. Help anyone?

[Janet_Girl]

You are really the only one that can answer that question, but you might want to think about going over this with your professors. 

RLE is a very important step in becoming yourself.  You have to do it for you and no one else.  Look at my signature and then ask your question to yourself again.

You can be happy.  I being full time RLE on September 20.  My work has given the word to my boss and the upper management that they have to respect my decision and that I can not be harassed because of it.

Best of luck.

Janet

[Nero]

well, would your professors really have to know? i mean, you can take steps to make yourself more comfortable without being completely out to everyone. you can cut your hair and dress more masculine without drawing too much attention. peeps will likely just think you've a got a new style. you could even ask to be called by a more male nickname without drawing too much suspicion.

[trapthavok]

RLE is a very important step in becoming yourself.  You have to do it for you and no one else.  Look at my signature and then ask your question to yourself again.

You know, the funny thing is I had just read your signature somewhere not two seconds after I posted this, lol. You're right, it's for me and it's a big commitment, one I believe I am ready to make. I don't even really see it as a gimmick or one of the many phases I've gone through in the past to try and make myself happy, I just see it as finally being myself. I've always been told no one can like you and accept you for who you are until you learn to like yourself, and I've never liked myself until I figured out who I was so now I feel the only thing left to do is be myself full time. Thanks Janet

well, would your professors really have to know? i mean, you can take steps to make yourself more comfortable without being completely out to everyone. you can cut your hair and dress more masculine without drawing too much attention. peeps will likely just think you've a got a new style. you could even ask to be called by a more male nickname without drawing too much suspicion.

No, I suppose you're right. My professors don't really have to know. Seeing as how I keep changing my mind on my choice for a name, I think I'm going to wait until I decide on the name I'd like before I have people start calling me that. Maybe it'll be next week, maybe it'll be four months from now, who knows. I've already gone through 4 different names. My current nickname (Tai) is unisex I guess so it's andro enough to use until then. Also, I'm definitely cutting my hair and definitely changing my clothes up to more masculine clothing, but my professors can just think I'm a tomboy or andro for all I care. I feel like I know this is really me, but I've gone through so many phases in my life that some small part in my brain wants to make sure this is what I really want so I want to try the RLE and I want to be myself.


I chose August 1st as the start to my RLE, but I'm gonna hold off buying a packer for a while since money is tight and I don't have much, and just focus on changing my looks and my hair. I wish I could start T right away cause I REALLY want to grow a beard and be a little hairier than I currently am, but I keep reminding myself I have to do this 1 step at a time. 

[fluffy jorgen]

Similar to me then.
But I start a new course and I'll have a new tutor and new class mates, etc., though it is in the same college.
Since I haven't yet had a legal name change, I've decided to ask my tutor privately to call me Jörgen straight away. Everyone else will follow.
Other than that noone cares what you wear around here.
Some guy came in dressed in bin bags and noone payed attention.

[tekla]

Professors for the most part are used to people 'going through the changes' while they are in college.  I doubt if they would blink. 

[Elwood]

Well, there's a couple things you can do. You can wait for transition (meaning, you can start full RLE later) or you can take the risk and do it. See, I'm waiting for RLE. I've waited this long, so I don't see the pain in waiting just a little bit longer. I just want to do it at a time where my mom won't freak. I'll start when my fall semester starts...

I think we're all afraid of the consequences of coming out.

[Aiden]

Am worried about when Grandmother on mom's side finds out

She tends to go manic on everyone in family when upset with a family member and will blame other family members as well.  Only good thing is she's in California and can only torture most of us over phone or on answering machine

[trapthavok]

I slowed it down a little bit since I've posted this. One of my professors next semester I'm kind of cool with, so maybe I'll tell her what I'm going through to help her understand why i'm going by Nathan in the fall. I'd really like to go by the name I've chosen in my classes, I don't think I could respond if anyone called me by my old name.

Similar to me then.
But I start a new course and I'll have a new tutor and new class mates, etc., though it is in the same college.
Since I haven't yet had a legal name change, I've decided to ask my tutor privately to call me Jörgen straight away. Everyone else will follow.
Other than that noone cares what you wear around here.
Some guy came in dressed in bin bags and noone payed attention.

HAHAHA clearly you noticed if you know what he was dressed in!! Bin bags though, that's hilarious.

Yes I'm going through the same thing, I'll have new professors, same college, and potentially new class mates. (I see the same people in my classes now and then but I've never really talked to them in the past anyway).

Professors for the most part are used to people 'going through the changes' while they are in college.  I doubt if they would blink. 

Great

Well, there's a couple things you can do. You can wait for transition (meaning, you can start full RLE later) or you can take the risk and do it. See, I'm waiting for RLE. I've waited this long, so I don't see the pain in waiting just a little bit longer. I just want to do it at a time where my mom won't freak. I'll start when my fall semester starts...

I think we're all afraid of the consequences of coming out.

Hmm I've bought my binder already but not a packer....I want to try to wait for RLE but I'm already dressing the part for the most part and going by Nathan with my friends. I'm just not ready to make the FULL leap I suppose, like going to mens rooms. I feel like there's so much more I should know, that I'm still really ignorant when it comes to RLE, but *shrug* I'm trying to learn. I feel like I'm already there, but I'm not completely ready yet, know what I'm saying? It's mental.

Reading your post reminded me of what Janet said, and about her quote that said "don't do it if you're not ready to give up everything." I went to support last night, and I know I'm going to lose everything when I come out to my parents and family soon, so emotionally, I'm ready for RLE. Physically I don't know XD I have a thing about the way I look, so I want to become "Nathan" as much as I possibly can. I have til the 27th to decide though, so we'll see what happens.

Am worried about when Grandmother on mom's side finds out

She tends to go manic on everyone in family when upset with a family member and will blame other family members as well.  Only good thing is she's in California and can only torture most of us over phone or on answering machine

OOooo yeah my grams is kinda like that, except she'll just stop talking to you. She used to tell me bluntly when she didn't like things about my appearance, but overall she loved me a lot. I know she won't love me after my coming out though, she'll probably ignore me for a few years like she did her sister in law...

[Aiden]

Yeh, make it worse, have always been her oldest and favorite 'granddaughter'.  The one she always spoiled.  I can just hear her now going on her rampage of no one shows any respect, and telling people what to do and accusing people of this and that.  After standing in front of her while she was screaming and crying and jumping up and down jabbing her pointer stick at me one time....  she scares the crap out of me.  I love her, but yet I feel guilty because I can't say a lot nice about her.

[trapthavok]

Yeh, make it worse, have always been her oldest and favorite 'granddaughter'.  The one she always spoiled.  I can just hear her now going on her rampage of no one shows any respect, and telling people what to do and accusing people of this and that.  After standing in front of her while she was screaming and crying and jumping up and down jabbing her pointer stick at me one time....  she scares the crap out of me.  I love her, but yet I feel guilty because I can't say a lot nice about her.

UGH your situation sounds a lot like mine...I'm the oldest grandkid, the one she loves best....I guess that rampage will come in time. I can say a lot of nice things about mine now, but who knows if I will be able to sometime down the line.... She tends to hold grudges for YEARS

[Elwood]

Well, there's a couple things you can do. You can wait for transition (meaning, you can start full RLE later) or you can take the risk and do it. See, I'm waiting for RLE. I've waited this long, so I don't see the pain in waiting just a little bit longer. I just want to do it at a time where my mom won't freak. I'll start when my fall semester starts...

I think we're all afraid of the consequences of coming out.

Hmm I've bought my binder already but not a packer....I want to try to wait for RLE but I'm already dressing the part for the most part and going by Nathan with my friends. I'm just not ready to make the FULL leap I suppose, like going to mens rooms. I feel like there's so much more I should know, that I'm still really ignorant when it comes to RLE, but *shrug* I'm trying to learn. I feel like I'm already there, but I'm not completely ready yet, know what I'm saying? It's mental.

Reading your post reminded me of what Janet said, and about her quote that said "don't do it if you're not ready to give up everything." I went to support last night, and I know I'm going to lose everything when I come out to my parents and family soon, so emotionally, I'm ready for RLE. Physically I don't know XD I have a thing about the way I look, so I want to become "Nathan" as much as I possibly can. I have til the 27th to decide though, so we'll see what happens.

Yeah. I'm going to start using my new name earlier than I start RLE... wait, maybe that is RLE. I don't freaking know. But I'll be like, a boy at school, a girl to my mom, and a ->-bleeped-<- to my dad. It'll be hard to be consistent. I don't want to be a girl to my mom, but she won't start calling me "he" and she certainly won't call me "Dan." She'd probably kill Dan Aykroyd if she could. She thinks this is all his fault, but it isn't... I was trans before I knew who he was.

[sneakersjay]

She'd probably kill Dan Aykroyd if she could. She thinks this is all his fault, but it isn't... I was trans before I knew who he was.

Why does she blame Dan Aykroyd?!

Jay

[Elwood]

She'd probably kill Dan Aykroyd if she could. She thinks this is all his fault, but it isn't... I was trans before I knew who he was.

Why does she blame Dan Aykroyd?!

Jay

Lol. Because I came out at the climax of my Blues Brothers obsession, and because I also realized my gender identity quite recently after my fandom had started. Also because he's really inspired me in a lot of ways (but I promise you, he didn't "inspire" me into being a boy!)...

Oh, also because the first time I cross dressed in public was when I was dressed as Elwood Blues. I dressed like Elwood for several events (spirit week, Halloween, even Prom because it was at the House of Blues). I was "known" for being the Elwood impersonator, and so my mom thinks that my acting hobby made me want to be a boy... 

[Aiden]

Finally asked my Councelor (who specializes in counceling Transgender people as well as handling emotional disorders) to call me by my Male Name.  Wasn't quite ready for it when first started, but I've been able to sort out things enough now to feel ready to take on the name some.

[trapthavok]

Finally asked my Councelor (who specializes in counceling Transgender people as well as handling emotional disorders) to call me by my Male Name.  Wasn't quite ready for it when first started, but I've been able to sort out things enough now to feel ready to take on the name some.

Man, even though my grandma and mother gave me my first and middle names, I never liked them I LOVE my male name, and I've answered to it when my friends say it, so far so good. I absolutely love being called Nathan, it feels right somehow. Congrats on getting to this step with your counselor though!!!!

Yeah. I'm going to start using my new name earlier than I start RLE... wait, maybe that is RLE. I don't freaking know. But I'll be like, a boy at school, a girl to my mom, and a ->-bleeped-<- to my dad. It'll be hard to be consistent. I don't want to be a girl to my mom, but she won't start calling me "he" and she certainly won't call me "Dan." She'd probably kill Dan Aykroyd if she could. She thinks this is all his fault, but it isn't... I was trans before I knew who he was.

Yeah, it's a confusing boundary line between RLE and...not doing RLE yet. Headache, I can't think right. I think the lines blur eventually, you've probably been doing it all along (with the exception of your name) and haven't known it. Wouldn't that be awesome.

LOL at the Blues Bros Your poor mom is confused.

[Aiden]

Yeh going try to ask friends if they will to.  Not easy to ask, but easier than asking family.   Family probably won't do it either.

[sneakersjay]

I go by Jay at my therapists offices, and I've started calling myself Jay on the phone with people.  I likely won't ask friends and family to call me Jay (or he) until my name change is legal.  If I have time I'm dropping off the paperwork at the courthouse tomorrow with the check.  So in 1-2 months I should be legally Jonathan (aka Jay).

I recently made travel arrangements.  Had to make the flight with female name, because that's what my ID says, but made the hotel and car reservations as Jay, and the conference I signed up for as Jay.  That felt GOOD!  I'm just hoping I see some effects of T by then (it will be 2 months on T by the time I travel).

Jay

[Elwood]

Can I call you "Nate?"

Lol, for a while I considered the name Nathaniel. But it just didn't fit me.

Yeah. I'm going to start using my new name earlier than I start RLE... wait, maybe that is RLE. I don't freaking know. But I'll be like, a boy at school, a girl to my mom, and a ->-bleeped-<- to my dad. It'll be hard to be consistent. I don't want to be a girl to my mom, but she won't start calling me "he" and she certainly won't call me "Dan." She'd probably kill Dan Aykroyd if she could. She thinks this is all his fault, but it isn't... I was trans before I knew who he was.

Yeah, it's a confusing boundary line between RLE and...not doing RLE yet. Headache, I can't think right. I think the lines blur eventually, you've probably been doing it all along (with the exception of your name) and haven't known it. Wouldn't that be awesome.

LOL at the Blues Bros Your poor mom is confused.

Yeah. I think I have been doing RLE for a long time, minus using the name/pronouns.

My mom is VERY confused...

[sneakersjay]

Can I call you "Nate?"

Lol, for a while I considered the name Nathaniel. But it just didn't fit me.

I like the names Nathan and Nathaniel.  Part of the reason I picked Jonathan.  I can go by Nate later if I want (when I move) when people don't know me by my female J name.