Update on Transition status :)

[Elwood]

Kestin -- I've been reading an FTM story lately, don't know if you heard of Max Wolf Valerio. He mentions increase in sex drive a lot in his story, first from being almost like a horny teenager it was so bad, to lingering thoughts of sex after those first initial "teen stages" on T. So yeah, I guess maybe it increases the libido? Wouldn't know from experience. I really hope it doesn't though because I get PLENTY enough urges as it is without the help of T.

As for increase in sex drive, if mine goes up much more, I don't know what I'll do. This morning, I swear to you, I couldn't get out of bed because I was so horny.

I'm the same way. Makes me think it can't all be about the hormones.

Yeah. I actually hope my libido doesn't increase; at least not by much. I can't masturbate, really, without triggering dysphoric feelings. So I can't release when I'm horny. I just builds and builds and builds and I have to bottle it up. The closest thing I get to pleasure is peeing.

Do I mind thoughts about sex? No. But I'd appreciate it if I didn't have all of these builds up in my clitoris. It feels like I'm building up to a climax or something and I'm not even doing anything. Maybe I have female orgasmic disorder? Hopefully T will make it go away... Edit: Nope, don't have it. "Except for another sexual dysfunction." I do not qualify for the disorder, it's got to be something else. Like the fact that I can't masturbate. Maybe it just adds up over time...

[Lachlann]

I'm kind of the same way. I'm hoping that it normalizes the urges because I seem to get the physical ache already and I'm not on T yet...

Everyone reacts differently to T, right? Maybe our libidos will normalize out and become more consistent once we're on T. Though I remember in one thread I made, I had expressed concern for that and I think someone said that the doctor could adjust the doses.

I guess we wont know until we're actually on T.

[trapthavok]

I guess you're right. It would hurt my self esteem pretty badly. "IS HE MORE OF A MAN THAN ME? WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME? -HANGS SELF-"

The only reason I'm comparing medical care is because I want to know if I'm doing something wrong or if I could be doing something better... And yeah, I'm really bummed that all the guys around me seem to be getting T.

It's alright I guess if you're asking to compare medical care as long as you really don't get hung up about it emotionally. Being ahead of you in transition doesn't make him any more of a man than you Always remember that. I will not see you as less of a man just because you're not on T yet and neither will the rest of the guys.

Yeah. I actually hope my libido doesn't increase; at least not by much. I can't masturbate, really, without triggering dysphoric feelings. So I can't release when I'm horny. I just builds and builds and builds and I have to bottle it up.

Do I mind thoughts about sex? No.

ARGH maybe THAT'S what it is. I can't (and won't) masturbate (because of my body...its disgusting....) and so I don't have anyway to release all these thoughts and physical urges. It's so FRUSTRATING. Despite the fact that I feel like penises are gross and everything... I would probably feel SO much more comfortable releasing the sexual frustration by masturbating as a man. I think I'd be very comfortable with the idea. And then I remember I don't have one

[Elwood]

I guess you're right. It would hurt my self esteem pretty badly. "IS HE MORE OF A MAN THAN ME? WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME? -HANGS SELF-"

The only reason I'm comparing medical care is because I want to know if I'm doing something wrong or if I could be doing something better... And yeah, I'm really bummed that all the guys around me seem to be getting T.

It's alright I guess if you're asking to compare medical care as long as you really don't get hung up about it emotionally. Being ahead of you in transition doesn't make him any more of a man than you Always remember that. I will not see you as less of a man just because you're not on T yet and neither will the rest of the guys.

Thanks, Nate. I really appreciate your support. It helps a lot, you know.

Yeah. I actually hope my libido doesn't increase; at least not by much. I can't masturbate, really, without triggering dysphoric feelings. So I can't release when I'm horny. I just builds and builds and builds and I have to bottle it up.

Do I mind thoughts about sex? No.

ARGH maybe THAT'S what it is. I can't (and won't) masturbate (because of my body...its disgusting....) and so I don't have anyway to release all these thoughts and physical urges. It's so FRUSTRATING. Despite the fact that I feel like penises are gross and everything... I would probably feel SO much more comfortable releasing the sexual frustration by masturbating as a man. I think I'd be very comfortable with the idea. And then I remember I don't have one

Yeah, it's one of my theories. I don't think my body is gross, I just find it hard to get off like a girl does. I did try experimenting with my pack, but as everyone knows, it's just a sock, lol. I'm thinking of buying a quality packer or even a strap on to see how that works for masturbation. It won't be real stimulation, but it might be psychologically pleasurable and help me release some.

[trapthavok]

Yeah, it's one of my theories. I don't think my body is gross, I just find it hard to get off like a girl does. I did try experimenting with my pack, but as everyone knows, it's just a sock, lol. I'm thinking of buying a quality packer or even a strap on to see how that works for masturbation. It won't be real stimulation, but it might be psychologically pleasurable and help me release some.

HAHAHAHA Thank you SO much for that, Elwood, I needed it. I've never heard of someone trying to get it off on a sock. I think yeah you should maybe try a strap on, it might actually help. I'd get a strap on myself except I've already spent so much on the packer...I don't have any money left for a strap on. Don't know if I'll be able to get it off on the STP though, it'll just be really weird for me....Like I'll know it's not real and I'll feel really weirded out....

And you're very welcome by the way. The way I'm feeling right now, every thank you counts so thank you so much, it's great to feel appreciated.

[JonasCarminis]

BLARGH!!! i know what you guys mean. >_<  i hate touching it. >_>  its like ew.... i dont mind them, i just hate mine.  i do know something that kindof worked once, but i will definitely get in trouble if i post it here.  if you want to know so that you can try it, PM me.

[Elwood]

Yeah, it's one of my theories. I don't think my body is gross, I just find it hard to get off like a girl does. I did try experimenting with my pack, but as everyone knows, it's just a sock, lol. I'm thinking of buying a quality packer or even a strap on to see how that works for masturbation. It won't be real stimulation, but it might be psychologically pleasurable and help me release some.

HAHAHAHA Thank you SO much for that, Elwood, I needed it. I've never heard of someone trying to get it off on a sock. I think yeah you should maybe try a strap on, it might actually help. I'd get a strap on myself except I've already spent so much on the packer...I don't have any money left for a strap on. Don't know if I'll be able to get it off on the STP though, it'll just be really weird for me....Like I'll know it's not real and I'll feel really weirded out....

And you're very welcome by the way. The way I'm feeling right now, every thank you counts so thank you so much, it's great to feel appreciated.

Haha. Well, once you get desperate, you'll try anything. D: Including getting frisky with a sock.

What kind of packer did you get? Where from? How much?

I'm thinking of getting the cheapest one that has a somewhat realistic feel. It doesn't have to look good because no one's gonna see it. I'll probably have a separate STP device.

BLARGH!!! i know what you guys mean. >_<  i hate touching it. >_>  its like ew.... i dont mind them, i just hate mine.  i do know something that kindof worked once, but i will definitely get in trouble if i post it here.  if you want to know so that you can try it, PM me.

What, stuck something in your pooper?  Heheh. I couldn't. The hygiene involved with that... I don't even know how guys get clean enough to make that work without getting sh*t everywhere.

Sorry, that might be TMI.

[trapthavok]

What kind of packer did you get? Where from? How much?

I'm thinking of getting the cheapest one that has a somewhat realistic feel. It doesn't have to look good because no one's gonna see it. I'll probably have a separate STP device.

Ah I got the 2 in 1 STP packer from DJs PPP. I really wanted an STP but I really wanted a packer too. I don't trust my competency in putting one together the way I want it (which is basically the way DJ has it set up) so I bought it from him. I paid $90 just so I wouldn't have to whip out a white dick everywhere I go XD hahaha could you imagine. But yeah, it was hard to find one my skin tone that was also an STP, DJs made me one special order. You could probably get yours a lot cheaper, especially if you're going to get the STP/Packer separate.

BLARGH!!! i know what you guys mean. >_<  i hate touching it. >_>  its like ew.... i dont mind them, i just hate mine.  i do know something that kindof worked once, but i will definitely get in trouble if i post it here.  if you want to know so that you can try it, PM me.

What, stuck something in your pooper?  Heheh. I couldn't. The hygiene involved with that... I don't even know how guys get clean enough to make that work without getting sh*t everywhere.

Sorry, that might be TMI.

LOL no, not TMI at all. I am intrigued however, Chet.

[Elwood]

What kind of packer did you get? Where from? How much?

I'm thinking of getting the cheapest one that has a somewhat realistic feel. It doesn't have to look good because no one's gonna see it. I'll probably have a separate STP device.

Ah I got the 2 in 1 STP packer from DJs PPP. I really wanted an STP but I really wanted a packer too. I don't trust my competency in putting one together the way I want it (which is basically the way DJ has it set up) so I bought it from him. I paid $90 just so I wouldn't have to whip out a white dick everywhere I go XD hahaha could you imagine. But yeah, it was hard to find one my skin tone that was also an STP, DJs made me one special order. You could probably get yours a lot cheaper, especially if you're going to get the STP/Packer separate.

Ah, everyone likes something different. I prefer two separate units because I'm a little... how would you say... it just grosses me out a little for my packer to also be an STP device. I guess that's because I ALWAYS wear my packer, no exceptions. Boy, would be it nice to get one that's waterproof (I've sacrificed swimming, but not only because of the packing issue, mostly the swimsuit issue).

Interesting. Glad you found what works for you. I am a little worried about a few things... I'll just make a thread about it. You'll probably see it.

(I'm pretty active, which is also why my packer requires proper restraint)

BLARGH!!! i know what you guys mean. >_<  i hate touching it. >_>  its like ew.... i dont mind them, i just hate mine.  i do know something that kindof worked once, but i will definitely get in trouble if i post it here.  if you want to know so that you can try it, PM me.

What, stuck something in your pooper?  Heheh. I couldn't. The hygiene involved with that... I don't even know how guys get clean enough to make that work without getting sh*t everywhere.

Sorry, that might be TMI.

LOL no, not TMI at all. I am intrigued however, Chet.

I used to think working with my behind would work out. Until I considered the hygiene factor. I didn't even bother trying. 

[JonasCarminis]

umm... no, youre way off.   wow... haha

[Ciarquin]

I GOT MY T PRESCRIPTION!! *dances with joy* I get my first shot in a weeks time, I can't WAIT!! My Dr. said I'll be on a lower dosage the first month as well as being taught how to inject myself. The testosterone I'll be using is 'Sustanon'.

I'm so going to have myself a T-Party as a celebration XD

That's great. Congrats man

How did you make all of this happen so fast? Who is your provider? Are you in America?

I think Kaiser must be unusually slow for things to take this long for me. :/ Did I start therapy before you? I started March.

LOL Elwood. I feel like all those questions would be a BAD thing right now to have answers to, I feel like it would just bum you out to know that someone's moving at a faster pace than you if indeed Kestin is, especially when there's nothing you can do about that really.

Take a deep breath bro, we're all at different points in our lives and it doesn't do you any good to compare yourself to anyone else, it'll just bum you out more. ALL of you guys are way ahead of me so hearing all these updates are great sometimes but then it also reminds me that I'm not moving. I remember you being bummed out about not moving to your liking more than once in the past, so just breathe dude!

I used to feel the same way when I read about other guys' progress and successes. Besides feeling jealous I also had this feeling of not being good enough, that I should have been able to move forward by now. Nowadays though I've come to realise that that kind of thinking doesn't help anyone, least of all yourself. Reading about how far other guys are getting and their successes actually makes me feel happy for them now.

If it makes you feel any better Elwood, there will be years before I'll be able to start this transition process. And when (or if, perhaps) I do get healthy enough there might be a long wait time before I can get to see a therapist, and then it's at least two years of therapy plus RLE experience before I could get hormones. OK, this probably isn't making anyone feel better but yeah... It can take time.

Kestin -- I've been reading an FTM story lately, don't know if you heard of Max Wolf Valerio. He mentions increase in sex drive a lot in his story, first from being almost like a horny teenager it was so bad, to lingering thoughts of sex after those first initial "teen stages" on T. So yeah, I guess maybe it increases the libido? Wouldn't know from experience. I really hope it doesn't though because I get PLENTY enough urges as it is without the help of T.

Well, increased libido is a common effect of testosterone, but there are also FtMs who don't get it and non-trans men with low libido, so it doesn't always happen. It's one of the possible effects of T I'd really prefer not to get. Mine is very low, close to non-existent and I'd prefer it to stay that way.

[kestin]

Whilst I've jerked off since I was 13 or so... (I started reading romance novels when I was 11) I've never liked using my hands. I've never had much enjoyment from personally touching myself so I've always used an object (never penetrative though, urg... well at least not the va-jay-jay) So maybe that would be a better option for you guys?

Re: How fast my transition is going?

I had my appointment with my specialist around April/May and he told me I had to have about three months of counselling and a Psychiatrist visit before he could okay me for hormone therapy... which I did. But some of my counselling appointments were like three weeks or a month apart and I ran out of issues to talk about in the second visit ^^ I think the main reason why its been a relatively smooth ride for me is I just don't have any issues, really. Hell, I don't even have issues with being trans, I just am. So because of all that there's been nothing to get in the way of my transition.

Oh Elwood, I'm in New Zealand btw We tend to be pretty cruisey about alot of things so that might have helped my situation also.

*shrug* I hope you don't get bummed out by my situation, you'll get there too!

ETA: Am I allowed to link to the New Zealand Transgender Inquiry that was published at the beginning of this year? Its a PDF file and was created by the NZ Human Rights Commission.

[Elwood]

How did you make all of this happen so fast? Who is your provider? Are you in America?

I think Kaiser must be unusually slow for things to take this long for me. :/ Did I start therapy before you? I started March.

LOL Elwood. I feel like all those questions would be a BAD thing right now to have answers to, I feel like it would just bum you out to know that someone's moving at a faster pace than you if indeed Kestin is, especially when there's nothing you can do about that really.

Take a deep breath bro, we're all at different points in our lives and it doesn't do you any good to compare yourself to anyone else, it'll just bum you out more. ALL of you guys are way ahead of me so hearing all these updates are great sometimes but then it also reminds me that I'm not moving. I remember you being bummed out about not moving to your liking more than once in the past, so just breathe dude!

I used to feel the same way when I read about other guys' progress and successes. Besides feeling jealous I also had this feeling of not being good enough, that I should have been able to move forward by now. Nowadays though I've come to realise that that kind of thinking doesn't help anyone, least of all yourself. Reading about how far other guys are getting and their successes actually makes me feel happy for them now.

If it makes you feel any better Elwood, there will be years before I'll be able to start this transition process. And when (or if, perhaps) I do get healthy enough there might be a long wait time before I can get to see a therapist, and then it's at least two years of therapy plus RLE experience before I could get hormones. OK, this probably isn't making anyone feel better but yeah... It can take time.

That's how I feel. Not good enough.

Every transguy I've met in person is taller than me, has a more pronounced nose than me, has a deeper voice than me, has bigger hands than me, has more hair than me... With the exception of one FtM who is hairless on his body even after testosterone. I often feel, "I'm the faker and they're the legitimate guys. They had more T in the womb than me..." I keep thinking that I'm one of the crazy ones who isn't a guy; just a girl who has penis envy or something. But everyone who talks to me says I'm a guy and they couldn't see me any other way... I need to listen to the voices of others.

I should feel happy for the guys, but something about me makes me so jealous of guys with T that I end up being aggressive. I will go as far as to make negative terms with them because of how jealous I am. I'll distance myself and shoot nasty little comments. It doesn't make me feel better, but I feel a need to be defensive. Then they just get on their high horse, beat their chest, and talk to me like I'm a weak little woman (not a strong woman or a capable woman). They dominate me and make me feel even lesser.

It doesn't make me feel better that your process is taking longer... but it does reassure me that I have someone I can relate to.

Kestin -- I've been reading an FTM story lately, don't know if you heard of Max Wolf Valerio. He mentions increase in sex drive a lot in his story, first from being almost like a horny teenager it was so bad, to lingering thoughts of sex after those first initial "teen stages" on T. So yeah, I guess maybe it increases the libido? Wouldn't know from experience. I really hope it doesn't though because I get PLENTY enough urges as it is without the help of T.

Well, increased libido is a common effect of testosterone, but there are also FtMs who don't get it and non-trans men with low libido, so it doesn't always happen. It's one of the possible effects of T I'd really prefer not to get. Mine is very low, close to non-existent and I'd prefer it to stay that way.

It's tough having a high libido and no penis. I can't release. Sometimes I wish I was asexual.

Posted on: August 24, 2008, 10:19:54 AM

Whilst I've jerked off since I was 13 or so... (I started reading romance novels when I was 11) I've never liked using my hands. I've never had much enjoyment from personally touching myself so I've always used an object (never penetrative though, urg... well at least not the va-jay-jay) So maybe that would be a better option for you guys?

Re: How fast my transition is going?

I had my appointment with my specialist around April/May and he told me I had to have about three months of counselling and a Psychiatrist visit before he could okay me for hormone therapy... which I did. But some of my counselling appointments were like three weeks or a month apart and I ran out of issues to talk about in the second visit ^^ I think the main reason why its been a relatively smooth ride for me is I just don't have any issues, really. Hell, I don't even have issues with being trans, I just am. So because of all that there's been nothing to get in the way of my transition.

Oh Elwood, I'm in New Zealand btw We tend to be pretty cruisey about alot of things so that might have helped my situation also.

*shrug* I hope you don't get bummed out by my situation, you'll get there too!

ETA: Am I allowed to link to the New Zealand Transgender Inquiry that was published at the beginning of this year? Its a PDF file and was created by the NZ Human Rights Commission.

Anything rubbing an object on my female parts like a penis feels wrong. It's what the girl's get to have something rub all over their clit like that. Guys don't experience that, and for me, it just feels wrong. As for working with my bum, I've already talked about why that isn't an option... I don't have an ass douche or anything.

And NO WONDER. Things are much easier in NZ. I feel WAY better now. Thanks, bro.

[kestin]

Every transguy I've met in person is taller than me, has a more pronounced nose than me, has a deeper voice than me, has bigger hands than me, has more hair than me... With the exception of one FtM who is hairless on his body even after testosterone. I often feel, "I'm the faker and they're the legitimate guys. They had more T in the womb than me..." I keep thinking that I'm one of the crazy ones who isn't a guy; just a girl who has penis envy or something. But everyone who talks to me says I'm a guy and they couldn't see me any other way... I need to listen to the voices of others.

You are not a faker. You are who you are, your just a bit smaller than the average dude

Yeah, but you at least can pass visually and you aren't even on T! I don't at all >_> I have my own fears about all this, I think all the time that my changes won't be huge and I'll be one of the few who don't have a significant voice change, people will always be able to tell I have feminine hips, I won't be able to grow a beard etc.

But ya know, what can you do? You either make best with what you have or keep on feeling bad and yourself... I'd rather feel good so I prefer to think about the positive sides of things and don't worry about the rest *shrug*

I realize your situation sucks... but it can always be worse. I mean, you could have been born with dwarfsm, with some sort of massive learning disorder and no arms (I mean no disrespect to dwarves btw)

And NO WONDER. Things are much easier in NZ. I feel WAY better now. Thanks, bro.

That's not sarcasm is it? XD Eh, move to downunder (though the better side and not that... Australian place) and get a NZ citizenship and then start HRT here It might just be quicker! j/k

[Elwood]

Every transguy I've met in person is taller than me, has a more pronounced nose than me, has a deeper voice than me, has bigger hands than me, has more hair than me... With the exception of one FtM who is hairless on his body even after testosterone. I often feel, "I'm the faker and they're the legitimate guys. They had more T in the womb than me..." I keep thinking that I'm one of the crazy ones who isn't a guy; just a girl who has penis envy or something. But everyone who talks to me says I'm a guy and they couldn't see me any other way... I need to listen to the voices of others.

You are not a faker. You are who you are, your just a bit smaller than the average dude

Yeah, but you at least can pass visually and you aren't even on T! I don't at all >_> I have my own fears about all this, I think all the time that my changes won't be huge and I'll be one of the few who don't have a significant voice change, people will always be able to tell I have feminine hips, I won't be able to grow a beard etc.

But ya know, what can you do? You either make best with what you have or keep on feeling bad and yourself... I'd rather feel good so I prefer to think about the positive sides of things and don't worry about the rest *shrug*

I realize your situation sucks... but it can always be worse. I mean, you could have been born with dwarfsm, with some sort of massive learning disorder and no arms (I mean no disrespect to dwarves btw)

I guess I am a little lucky. I do pass, even though I do pass as a 15 year old boy. I guess it's better than looking like a 20 year old girl. I should really be looking at a bright future... T will make me pass even more, and I'll be short but... not the only short guy on the planet.

I do have some positive aspects... For instance, I pass as male from the back shirtless. I totally pass. If it wasn't for my boobs, I would be able to pass shirtless. I am pretty proud of that fact... wish I could show it off more. 

Dwarfism would have sucked... but at least then I would have had an excuse. "Well, I'm a dwarf." But instead I have to say, "I'm a pre-me." Don't people don't even know what that is. I was born prematurely. I'm a human runt.

And NO WONDER. Things are much easier in NZ. I feel WAY better now. Thanks, bro.

That's not sarcasm is it? XD Eh, move to downunder (though the better side and not that... Australian place) and get a NZ citizenship and then start HRT here It might just be quicker! j/k

It is not sarcasm at all! Transition is MUCH easier to get through in other countries. I'm relieved. Extraordinarily relieved.

I'd probably get HRT here sooner than I'd be able to save up enough money to fly to NZ! Lol.

[Ciarquin]

That's how I feel. Not good enough.

Every transguy I've met in person is taller than me, has a more pronounced nose than me, has a deeper voice than me, has bigger hands than me, has more hair than me... With the exception of one FtM who is hairless on his body even after testosterone. I often feel, "I'm the faker and they're the legitimate guys. They had more T in the womb than me..." I keep thinking that I'm one of the crazy ones who isn't a guy; just a girl who has penis envy or something. But everyone who talks to me says I'm a guy and they couldn't see me any other way... I need to listen to the voices of others.

I should feel happy for the guys, but something about me makes me so jealous of guys with T that I end up being aggressive. I will go as far as to make negative terms with them because of how jealous I am. I'll distance myself and shoot nasty little comments. It doesn't make me feel better, but I feel a need to be defensive. Then they just get on their high horse, beat their chest, and talk to me like I'm a weak little woman (not a strong woman or a capable woman). They dominate me and make me feel even lesser.

This is easier said than done, I know, but try to focus on of the good things. You said you "pass", that people see you as a guy, for one thing. There are many guys who don't for a long time even after starting T. I know of some who "pass" less after they've started HRT, actually.

Not all non-trans men are tall, muscular with tons of body hair and big hands. You're not "fake" just because you don't have those qualities. None of us are fake, no matter how feminine our bodies may be. We are all guys, no more fake than non-trans men, even though we may not look like it.  Remember that. I know the feeling, I've felt the same way, believe me. I don't think I could be seen as a guy no matter what I did. I wear guy clothes, my voice isn't that high, though it definitely isn't low either. Short hair doesn't help, my face is too feminine for that, I think. currently looking for a medium-lenght masculine haircut. That could help, I guess.

Of course you'd get aggressive if they talk down to you like that. I don't get angry easily, but that kind of behaviour really pisses me off.

I guess I am a little lucky. I do pass, even though I do pass as a 15 year old boy. I guess it's better than looking like a 20 year old girl. I should really be looking at a bright future... T will make me pass even more, and I'll be short but... not the only short guy on the planet.

I do have some positive aspects... For instance, I pass as male from the back shirtless. I totally pass.

That's great, really great. I know it may be tough, but try to foucs on those positive things. Your time will come, just hang in there man.

It's tough having a high libido and no penis. I can't release. Sometimes I wish I was asexual.

That must be hard to deal with. Hope that will change in the future.

Being asexual (as in the sexual orientation) doesn't equal low libido, though. There are asexuals with really high ones as well as people who experience sexual attraction who have very low libido.

[Nero]

Elwood: You know dude, I've seen your pics and yeah, you're small but guess what - there are tons of small guys out there. That's usually what I date - short, small guys. I hate muscles and anything taller than 5'8 doesn't warrant a glance. Little guys are usually bursting with attitude and machismo. I love it. So do lots of guys and girls. Don't let it get to you. Bigger guys are no more 'genuine' than you.

[Lachlann]

It is not sarcasm at all! Transition is MUCH easier to get through in other countries. I'm relieved. Extraordinarily relieved.

I'd probably get HRT here sooner than I'd be able to save up enough money to fly to NZ! Lol.

Is that really true or is it from your observations? I'm curious.

[Elwood]

That's how I feel. Not good enough.

Every transguy I've met in person is taller than me, has a more pronounced nose than me, has a deeper voice than me, has bigger hands than me, has more hair than me... With the exception of one FtM who is hairless on his body even after testosterone. I often feel, "I'm the faker and they're the legitimate guys. They had more T in the womb than me..." I keep thinking that I'm one of the crazy ones who isn't a guy; just a girl who has penis envy or something. But everyone who talks to me says I'm a guy and they couldn't see me any other way... I need to listen to the voices of others.

I should feel happy for the guys, but something about me makes me so jealous of guys with T that I end up being aggressive. I will go as far as to make negative terms with them because of how jealous I am. I'll distance myself and shoot nasty little comments. It doesn't make me feel better, but I feel a need to be defensive. Then they just get on their high horse, beat their chest, and talk to me like I'm a weak little woman (not a strong woman or a capable woman). They dominate me and make me feel even lesser.

This is easier said than done, I know, but try to focus on of the good things. You said you "pass", that people see you as a guy, for one thing. There are many guys who don't for a long time even after starting T. I know of some who "pass" less after they've started HRT, actually.

Not all non-trans men are tall, muscular with tons of body hair and big hands. You're not "fake" just because you don't have those qualities. None of us are fake, no matter how feminine our bodies may be. We are all guys, no more fake than non-trans men, even though we may not look like it.  Remember that. I know the feeling, I've felt the same way, believe me. I don't think I could be seen as a guy no matter what I did. I wear guy clothes, my voice isn't that high, though it definitely isn't low either. Short hair doesn't help, my face is too feminine for that, I think. currently looking for a medium-lenght masculine haircut. That could help, I guess.

Of course you'd get aggressive if they talk down to you like that. I don't get angry easily, but that kind of behaviour really pisses me off.

I guess I should really be much happier that I pass. No one questions it anymore since I started using the name "Dan." It's amazing, and I really am lucky.

Hmm. I guess you're right. I mean, I don't want to be SUPER MANLY or anything. The only qualities about my body that I can't change are that I'm short and that I can't (at this time) have a normal penis. I need to find ways to work around both of those issues and cope.

Yeah. I hate it when transguys get on the high horse.

I guess I am a little lucky. I do pass, even though I do pass as a 15 year old boy. I guess it's better than looking like a 20 year old girl. I should really be looking at a bright future... T will make me pass even more, and I'll be short but... not the only short guy on the planet.

I do have some positive aspects... For instance, I pass as male from the back shirtless. I totally pass.

That's great, really great. I know it may be tough, but try to foucs on those positive things. Your time will come, just hang in there man.

Yeah, thanks.

It's tough having a high libido and no penis. I can't release. Sometimes I wish I was asexual.

That must be hard to deal with. Hope that will change in the future.

Being asexual (as in the sexual orientation) doesn't equal low libido, though. There are asexuals with really high ones as well as people who experience sexual attraction who have very low libido.

Hm. I thought asexuals had low libidos. How do they release? Masturbation?

Elwood: You know dude, I've seen your pics and yeah, you're small but guess what - there are tons of small guys out there. That's usually what I date - short, small guys. I hate muscles and anything taller than 5'8 doesn't warrant a glance. Little guys are usually bursting with attitude and machismo. I love it. So do lots of guys and girls. Don't let it get to you. Bigger guys are no more 'genuine' than you.

Oooh. That's right. I forgot that even though gay boys don't like that I have no penis, they love that I'm small. But I really don't want to be the submissive partner. It's hard to be dominant when you're tiny. Although, short girls like me just fine. The don't have to get on their toes to get a kiss.

But if I could be any way I wanted, I'd be tall, calm, and zen. We can't have everything we want, though.

It is not sarcasm at all! Transition is MUCH easier to get through in other countries. I'm relieved. Extraordinarily relieved.

I'd probably get HRT here sooner than I'd be able to save up enough money to fly to NZ! Lol.

Is that really true or is it from your observations? I'm curious.

Oh, just observations. I don't have any statistics. Thanks for catching me on that one.

[Ciarquin]

Hm. I thought asexuals had low libidos. How do they release? Masturbation?

Some masturbate, others don't. If you're interested, Aven (google it, should be one of the first sites that show up) has information about asexuality.

Elwood: You know dude, I've seen your pics and yeah, you're small but guess what - there are tons of small guys out there. That's usually what I date - short, small guys. I hate muscles and anything taller than 5'8 doesn't warrant a glance. Little guys are usually bursting with attitude and machismo. I love it. So do lots of guys and girls. Don't let it get to you. Bigger guys are no more 'genuine' than you.

I tend to like smaller, rather feminine or at least androgynous guys, myself and I know there are others who do, too.