I no longer could see my life as a male. I almost had a double life and I was romantically becoming involved with men who saw/knew me as a woman... But then I'd go to my therapist job as a "male" and act or look the way others expected me to. It almost made me want to give up my freedom and go to jail (I was fixated that this would be the only place I would be seen and treated as a woman), but I couldn't even do that because my dysphoria was so bad. The thought of not getting laser hair removal on my face and losing freedom made me realize that jail wouldn't be right for me. In retrospect I'm embarrassed now that I was so ashamed of being a transwoman. In reality, I'm scared of being vulnerable and letting my guard down... I'm scared of getting hurt or being abandonded.
Since transitioning on hrt and socially, I've learned a lot of new lessons.. I am alone in life. I can make new friends and new experiences and that it's all up to me to make a life that I want for myself... Yes, it's still lonely, but now the guys that I would meet at night, I can forget about them during the day. That last line sounds kind of pathetic as I'm typing it out... But it's true. I'm living my life while showcasing my sexuality just like every man, woman and non binary person does. We're humans and we're sexual beings, too. That's why I'm transexual and I'm grateful to know I am.
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