Perhaps it's the heat and staying up all night... but finally I think it's time I posted an intro here. I've been lurking around on and off and reading tons of stuff here for... months, maybe even a year by now, I'd think. It's hard to post an introduction when you don't know who you are. But since I'm slowly working on finding that out, I think posting my story on here will only be a good thing for me.
So on to the introducing. This is going to be quite long, so maybe you should grab a drink before you start.
Hi, please call me Shion. I'm 21, though my mental age fluctuates between 5, 16, 25, and I'd say... maybe 60 or so? I was born biologically female, and grew up wearing pretty dresses to dinner parties, uniforms (dresses) at an all-girls elementary school, but outside of that, I always, always wore pants or shorts. When my family moved to the US near the end of my elementary school years, I decided that I was sick of wearing dresses, and I would never wear them anymore. So from then on, I started dressing like a boy, all the time. I always thought that my brother's clothes were cooler, and couldn't wait to steal them when he grew out of them. In junior high, my friends had to threaten to destroy my teddy bear to get me in a dress. Needless to say, I learned to be more careful about my possessions. Haha.
And so I grew up, wearing baggy jeans and baggy shirts. I got them in the biggest size I could, though now when I look back, they really didn't look good on me at all. And before I knew it, my body which used to be a twig, had grown past me to the point that I was obviously female. I think those were the years when I didn't really pay much attention to "me". I looked into the mirror without really seeing myself, something that I still catch myself doing now.
When I was 17, I met an art teacher, that I think might just have changed my life. From the first time we met, I was in love. Or rather, the most conscious I had ever been of love. At that point, I came to the conclusion that "Ah, it seems that I'm bi", though now I know that I identify as pansexual. Either way, the fact that I was in love with someone of the same biological gender didn't really bother me as it usually does to people (from what I've heard). I accepted it naturally, as the thought occurred to me that I had never really thought of myself as definitely not being gay. I never asserted myself as straight or otherwise, so the fact that I wasn't, was something that didn't really seem all that odd to me. I also started to realize that perhaps I had had crushes on about half my female friends throughout my childhood, without really realizing it. But naturally, none of those ever went anywhere, this one included.
At 18, I started consciously thinking that maybe I'd like to be male. As a kid, I always liked sports, hung out with guys as well as girls, and played war games with my brother. Maybe subconsciously I had always thought I'd like to be male. So when I met a friend after starting college, who also stated that she considered getting a sex change, I for a while considered myself a possible FtM. Now, I think back and I don't think she was really that serious about it, but I carried that thought with me for a few years. I had always hated my chest, the one thing that really put me as "female" in other people's eyes. But I wasn't sure if I would really want to go the whole way and become "male" either.
The answer came to me during an argument with my mother, when in anger and frustration, I yelled out that "I never wanted to be a girl anyway!" To which my mother retorted "So you want to be a boy?", but I couldn't answer yes to that either. I had already started researching into gender issues before then, but not long afterward, I found the term "androgyne", and it took me a while to think about it, but that's what I believe I am now.
In a way, my body had always been that way. My face is, I think, pretty androgynous, so that sometimes even with long hair, I got mistaken as being male, probably also because of the way I dress. My voice is also relatively deep. Not the point of sounding completely male (unless I'm just waking up or having a sore throat), but it's not really high, so I can pull off either pretty ok. That is, unless I'm excited or happy. Then my speech pattern starts turning into a girl... My body though, is about the completely opposite of what I want to be. My chest is larger, but on the other hand, I have a slight problem with body hair. Certainly a really odd thing since I'm Asian and Asians typically don't have those two problems. Personality-wise, I think I fluctuate between male and female, if one really had to classify certain traits as "male/female". Usually with people more manly than me, I act more like a "girl", and with people girlier than me, I act more like a "guy", regardless of said person's gender.
I think I've become quite comfortable with this identity, though people who've met me still probably consider me a "girl". Despite the fact that I never refer to myself as "boy" or "girl" (see subject), I guess it's still hard for people to really see that, even after I've explained it to some of them. But I'm mostly ok with that. When people get a little confused and mistake me for male or female, in a way it makes me kinda happy. I start to think that being gender->-bleeped-<-ed is kinda fun. Having found myself also allowed me to be just a little more comfortable with playing around with being either gender. I've found that when I look at the mirror, I've never thought of myself as a guy or a girl, just me, if I'm even really seeing a whole person in there. Though I've yet to wear skirts outside, I've grown a little more comfortable with wearing skirts, or makeup, or the color pink, which I had always thought before as "unmanly".
I'm also working on slowly "transitioning" into the person that I want to be. Mainly, I want to get rid of my chest, which I hope can be accomplished through some weight loss. I'll probably be going to see an endo to check if I have hormonal imbalance. I want to work on my voice, trying to lower it a bit, and become more conscious of it, so that I can change it when I want to. After I move out in the next few months, I'm thinking of maybe seeing a gender counselor, just to have someone understanding to talk to, so I can ascertain this identity for myself. (Anyone know any good counselors in LA? Preferably free? Haha.)
Really though, seeing all the beautiful people here who're working hard, whether inside or outside, to become the selves that they want to be, is really inspiring. For that, I thank you all.
I think that's about the deepest introduction I've ever written, so uh, let's end with some "typical" introduction stuff. I love... music (playing and listening), art, photography, fashion, writing, reading, video games, making stuff, sleeping, stars, animals, food, and collecting lots of random, useless things. Uhh seems there're apparently quite a few people here who like manga/anime? Yeah that stuff is cool too. I guess that's enough about me for now. I hope to get to know at least some of you in time.
