do you think I can pass type questions

[tekla]

I try not to worry about it, close enough for rock and roll and all.  I work with a ten foot rule, I'm sure if you were a few inches away and looked close you could tell, from ten feet away, not so much.

[iFindMeHere]

I think the destructiveness of getting clocked may depend on how we deal with it.

If clock = shame/horror/fear then damage

If clock = affirm self then growth

For me I think the more I isolate the worse things are. Alone time is good but not ALWAYS alone. I regularly go to things I think are stupid because I've met some of my best friends that way.

[Kim6]

I think how we deal with being clocked depends a lot on where we are at in life and how much we have invested in transition.  Normally I avoid speaking for other people because no one ever seems to agree on anything, I mean, "hardly ever".  There are other variables I am sure... I think it has to do with what a person identifies as and in my own experience my identity changed a lot during transition.  Transition was a very wonderful, scary and difficult time for me and my identity changed throughout transition in order to mentally prepare and withstand certain fears and situations.

For instance I have always identified as female to one degree or another as I was struggling to understand myself and where I needed to be in life but there were times during transition when I identified as a transsexual and for a while I even identified as an "out and proud" transsexual.  It was a way of gathering strength and courage and a way of coping with a situation.  There was even a time when I identified as a cross dresser, that was during a time when I identified as female but never believed for even a second that transition was reasonable, sane or even possible.

Recently I have thought about my situation and I have wondered if I could seek out a partner and identify as transsexual and not worry about integrating or having a new life somewhere else and although I have fond memories of a time when I identified as a transsexual and was with another transsexual in a committed relationship... I feel like that would be moving backwards for me.  I just really need to be who I always have been, a woman.  I need to be taken for granted as a woman, I need to be judged as a woman, I need to be prejudiced as being a woman because being taken for granted, judged and prejudiced as a transsexual brings the added discomfort of Gender Identity Disorder.  I never contemplated a future where I needed to become a transsexual, rather the goal for me has always been to be treated as, judged as, prejudiced as, taken advantage as and rewarded as a woman.

Are transsexuals women to me?  Of course they are M2F = Woman in my book, F2M = Man.  I just can't suffer the constant clash of my reality versus the "realities" and misperceptions of others anymore.  There is no place for me to exist as fully human in their world.  I am not even human to "them" unless you remove the hu part and just leave the man part.  They get the man part.

[iFindMeHere]

that sucks. Sounds like participating in some sort of safe space might really help dear. *hugs*

[Melissa]

When I answer questions like that, I typically say I used to think there was no was I could pass and now I have no problems.

[Aiden]

Sometimes I wonder if I will ever fully pass.  It irritates me when I go somewhere and someone calls me a she especially when I feel there are others who don't know I am biologically female.

I have a MTF friend I hang out with yes, while we are different and going in different directions with different interests we find that what we have in common easier to get through with each others support.  But I do get irritated when people take me as female when with her while she passes well it kinda makes me feel like crap that I don't pass as well as she does.

[gothique11]

You will always be more critical of yourself than others will -- even if you pass 110% around others and no one knows, you will always notice your own little flaws and question yourself.

[heatherrose]

Hey Y'all

In January of '06, I troweled on the foundation, dressed in my most conservitive finery,
flung the closet door open and screamed, HERE I AM WORLD, LOVE ME.
Guess what...they didn't! NOT the best planned start of my transition
but looking back it taught me a very valuable lesson.
"Passing" has nothing to do with the PERFECT application of make up or the most devine outfit.
It has to do with owning the ground you stand on and
your resolve to exist even though the world would rather that you wither up and die.
It has to do with greeting every person and situation with
(to steal a phrase from Mr. Magorium) "determination, joy and courage".

Before I was able to have the pic on my drivers licience retaken,
my roomate reminded me that she needed me to make a return at a hardware store.
I had been working in the yard wearing bibs, a t-shirt and chuka boots, sans make-up.
I didn't have time for the public presentation routine. I just knew I looked like crapola on a stick.
I said @#$% it and trudged down there, steeling myself for the humiliation that I was in for.
In the course of the return, the girl behind the counter asked to see my ID.
She handed it back to me and said,"No Maam, I need to see your id."
After catching my breath and careful consideration, I handed it back to her and said,with a smile,
"Sweety, that is my ID." I floated out of the store.

We have been uncomfortable with WHAT the world perceives us to be and
WHAT we perceive ourselves to be, for so long, that at the breaking point, do we really know WHO we are?
In January of '06, I in esence, traded one fasade for another and paid for it with snickers and Sir's.
It wasn't untill I stopped caring about WHAT I was and became comfortable with
WHO I am that I became.........."PASSABLE"

                                                                                                 Always Love,
                                                                                                 Heather Rose 

[cyanide]

it is always hard to convince myself even i knew of the 'confidence' factor.
and of course, the question of  "if it is all about confidence then why the elaboration in the physical" creeps in making me more nervous.
there are some time that i do very comfortable of being female (i have yet to be "myself"). that day, of course, is halloween (and of course, despite the confidence, i still got called a crossdresser few times - irony?).

on some level, i do think people are generally nice, that is why when one is asked "do i pass" some, or most will try to make some good compliments - whether they are trans or not.
the general population - less the extremes - are either quite oblivious/ignorant or nice.

there's this person at a restaurant where i frequently go that looked very androgyneous. and up till now, i still cannot figure if this person is a he or she. then again, i don't feel all that big of an issue. i am not going to stop comming to the place because there's a trans working.

having said that, i cannot seem to apply that thought on myself. i guess because we are our own worst critiques and need to understand that there are more than just getting approval. life goes on after passing (no pun intended).. 

[milliontoone]

The social anxiety at times was almost paralyzing.

I'll take comfort and confidence any day, passing or not

Jay I've so been there.

And LOL@ cyanides "life goes on after passing"

[lacitychick21]

You will always be more critical of yourself than others will -- even if you pass 110% around others and no one knows, you will always notice your own little flaws and question yourself.

This absolutely echos with me.

I had a strange transition. I fought going full time for probably too long. The more I was ma'amed the more I hyper-masculinized because I was too afraid to attempt full time. I just wasn't ready.

One day, I finally tried it. I've never been sir'ed since, but that's created a precarious turmoil within me.

Isn't this supposed to be harder?

Shouldn't I be struggling with the periodic sir?

I prepared for the actual shift in perceptual gender to be MUCH harder... what happened?

This HAS to be harder.

From the day I went FT... I waited for the inevitable "sir." It didn't come. As days turned to weeks, weeks into months, months into years, it just never came. But still I expect it.

As a result... I'm not convinced I pass. I'm sure I don't. My friends are just being nice. My family just doesn't want to hurt me with the truth. Complacent? No, not me! Never.

I'm certain I don't pass, and so I wait to hear the truth... everyday.

It's exhausting.

[NicholeW.]

You will always be more critical of yourself than others will -- even if you pass 110% around others and no one knows, you will always notice your own little flaws and question yourself.

This absolutely echos with me.

...

Shouldn't I be struggling with the periodic sir?

I prepared for the actual shift in perceptual gender to be MUCH harder... what happened?

This HAS to be harder.

... As days turned to weeks, weeks into months, months into years, it just never came. But still I expect it.

As a result... I'm not convinced I pass. I'm sure I don't. My friends are just being nice. My family just doesn't want to hurt me with the truth. Complacent? No, not me! Never.

I'm certain I don't pass, and so I wait to hear the truth... everyday.

It's exhausting.

I really understand both of those statements, at least the parts of Laci's I left in there.

Yeah, it never comes although I wait on it all of the time, not so much consciously I just realize that I do, from time-to-time, hear this background noise and realize it's saying "goddess you look so bad!." Yet, no one ever meets me, or sees me and asks about the guy. Not even SE Asians, little kids and early teen girls who always seem to have the inside track on "reading."

Yet, periodically I realize that I often wonder when the day is arriving where everyone begins to laugh and say "We sure had ya going, didn't we!"

O, well, looks like a long-term joke is on their agenda.

[cyanide]

Shouldn't I be struggling with the periodic sir?

I prepared for the actual shift in perceptual gender to be MUCH harder... what happened?

This HAS to be harder.[/i]

From the day I went FT... I waited for the inevitable "sir." It didn't come. As days turned to weeks, weeks into months, months into years, it just never came. But still I expect it.

i sort of had a similiar experience. although i was not ma'am'd .. there wasn't any sort of commotion or doubt of who i am being. i soon realized that i was expecting a little too much from just being female. the wanting of.. yay, i did it.. LOOK... LOOK.. LOOOOK ATTT MEEEEEE...

but..  then what?

what's next?

[Janet Merai]

When I look at these posts I reflect back on my own personality and individuality.

There have been times in the past where I have been called out as if I were a female and recently it happened a few times which feel good to me.

I do not think passing really covers who you are but it also saves you trouble in the long-run.
My body has always been feminine as long as I can remember and my facial features just seem right enough to pass anyway but in the other hand I think about the stereotypical anorexic female or male who throws up all the time to stay thin and damages their body that way.

Just like another poster said its the same thing, just like druggies use drugs to excuse themselves from real life problems they refuse to solve now and later.

Be yourself, be proud and the more you show your confidence that over-writes any suspicious feeling at all.
Like I told my girlfriend; when you meet a female and she displays confidence and security over who she is, it is difficult to tell whether or not she is a male or just a female because she's happy and content.

Now take a female who constantly looks to see if she passes or not from being a male, if you catch any non-confident body language or language it will be as obvious as the zit on your face.

There is a difference between loving and hating yourself, I choose to love myself :3
(Of course I am not happy with who I am physically as of now and plan to change that aspect a bit, I am still happy with my personality and traits because there will always be room for improvement)

[jade]

I don't think measuring passability by getting sir'ed or maam'ed is sufficient enough.

Passing = looks + presentation

Even if you are passable, there are mean people out there who look for signs on purpose and try to dig further to make meanings out of it. Sometimes it doesn't matter how feminine a ts woman is with her face, body, voice and mannerisms, some people just know; most of these people will not say anything to your face, may talk behind you or try to work you out with other people and few will make typical phrases and tell you that "somebody told them you are/were...or you used to...".
And some will carry on and share the exclusive with others and ruin your life and cause you grief in your private or work life without realising what they are doing it and those type of people just do not get it and they carry on. Its unneccesary crap and none of us needs it since we have enough on our plate as it is. To avoid all of this, its the best idea to do whatever it takes to achieve ultimate transformation by all means and move on and get better with time, its a process...

[K8]

But if there is always someone out there who knows - either from before or they just figure it out somehow - isn't it better to just accept who you are?

I live in a smallish town, so lots of people know my past.  I had testosterone poisoning for many, many years, so I don't know that I'll ever always pass.  And I'm older than many on this forum.  Perhaps my perspective doesn't apply to your situation - I don't know. 

But all that said, I am learning to accept the fact that regardless of whether people see me as a transwoman or a cis-woman, the operative term here is woman.

I've hidden who I was for too long.  Screw it.

- Kate

[Steffi]

I didn't think that I could ever pass anywhere anytime - I'm 6 foot for a start and have broad shoulders and that's without mentioning the big nose, hands and huge feet....... so although I do behave as female and do believe in myself, I do always assume that EVERYONE has read me ..... and that is my life, so screw them, as long as they're polite and treat me as female.

....but..... I have learned via secondhand info that several people have NOT read me, including a couple of middle aged neighbours      I'm astonished that this is so, but it is definitely correct because third parties have reported back their comments and conversation after I left.

I fully expected to get read 100% of the time, so if it's only 95% then I'm I'm grateful for the short-sightedness of the other 5% ....... and extremely thankful to the 94% who treat me with respect and as female anyway.

[Mister]

I don't think measuring passability by getting sir'ed or maam'ed is sufficient enough.

I agree.  I always say that being recognized as trans and respected is as nauseating to me as someone referring to me as female.  Since neither has happened in years, it's something I rarely (if ever) think about.

[Steffi]

Quote from: jade on Yesterday at 06:41:01 am

    I don't think measuring passability by getting sir'ed or maam'ed is sufficient enough.
I agree.  I always say that being recognized as trans and respected is as nauseating to me as someone referring to me as female.  Since neither has happened in years, it's something I rarely (if ever) think about.

No, Sir or Ma'm is not sufficient indication of whether or not you've actually been read, in that you are correct.
What puzzles me is ".....being recognized as trans and respected is as nauseating...."
Presumably you'd be happier if they spat on you and called you "->-bleeped-<-?"

Also...... If you personally haven't been read in years then lucky you, but a great many of the users of this site - including me - are not and never will be so fortunate so it might be in order for you to give a little more thought to their feelings before posting.

[Mister]

No, Sir or Ma'm is not sufficient indication of whether or not you've actually been read, in that you are correct.
What puzzles me is ".....being recognized as trans and respected is as nauseating...."
Presumably you'd be happier if they spat on you and called you "->-bleeped-<-?"

Also...... If you personally haven't been read in years then lucky you, but a great many of the users of this site - including me - are not and never will be so fortunate so it might be in order for you to give a little more thought to their feelings before posting.

Gee, and here I thought that I could post my opinion on this topic.  You know, just like everyone else has been doing. 

MY OPINION is that I did not transition to be recognized as trans. If I were to be recognized as such, I would, yes, be nauseated.  As for being spit on and called '->-bleeped-<-,' I'll leave that to the legions of members that you say will never be able to pass.