The Challenge to a Wife

[Cleopatra]

This is an interesting article. Whilst it is my boyfriend that is transitioning I found it useful.

[cannedrabbit]

I guess I am very lucky, because I do not feel this way AT ALL. Maybe it's because I've known about my husband's gender identity for most of our relationship. Maybe it's because my own sexual identity is fluid. But I actually find myself rather upset that so many people take the stance that this author takes. It makes me so angry that it's so hard to accept a loved one as WHO they are not WHAT they are. Sorry, I just really had to rant. 

[cannedrabbit]

After mulling it over some more, I really want to apologize if my last post came off sounding disparaging or hurtful in any way; that was, of course, not my intention. I absolutely respect those SOs who choose to stay with their transitioning partner despite personal prejudices. Prejudice is not an easy thing to overcome. I suppose I'm just frustrated and a little sad that there's not more resources for the folks who, like me, are supportive of their partner's transition from the get go.

[Bad Girl]

Hi Im new with all of this, my husband after 6 years is going thru a change he wants to be a woman and Im supporting him and helping him,he was the one who told me about this site. But Im not sure where to go to ask other wifes information. Can some one help me, please.

[Jamie D]

Hi Im new with all of this, my husband after 6 years is going thru a change he wants to be a woman and Im supporting him and helping him,he was the one who told me about this site. But Im not sure where to go to ask other wifes information. Can some one help me, please.

This "Significant Others" board is set up for spouses, family, and friends of TG/TS persons.  There is also a "S.O. Peer Support Group" board in the subscription only area.

[TessaMarie]

The Beaumont Society has a page with links to several articles written by SO's:

http://www.beaumontsociety.org.uk/for-partners/

One of the articles linked is the "Challenge" article that this thread is about:

http://www.beaumontsociety.org.uk/challenges/

The PDF copy of the article is at:

http://95.131.64.55/~beaumont/downloads/Challenges.pdf

The web archive link quoted in earlier posts still works.

[Destiny Marie]

I tried to open this link as I really feel that I need to read it, but the link does not work at this time. Does anyone know of another link or where I can find it.
Thanks for all the love and information that I have gotten from you all in just the two days I have been here. I know that I will be here for the rest of my life.

Lots of love and hugs.

[Destiny Marie]

I was able to work out the link and this is an awesome and inspiring article. I feel as though I could have written it as that is how my story is playing out. Although I have only been out to my wife for about a year, we are having the same conversations that I here so many other people talk about. I am so glad that I am not the first person in the world to have to do this as I think I would just end my life. I am thankful that I am able to discuss my feelings and emotions wit people that have already Been there and done that, I think God for all of you. 

[Clarissa]

Hi Everyone:

This article was recently brought to my attention.  It describes (in my opinion) a lot of what SO's experience not only while the spouses transition but their own transition as well.  The writer was extremely honest in her experiences and feelings.

http://www.beaumontsociety.org.uk/wobs/challenge.html

This article is not only meant for SO's but for everyone.

Gill

Great article Gill! My spouse is still having issues with my transition but she is slowly coming around. It was a hard marriage for the both of us.

But we still love each other and I think that's why we are still together. After my surgery when my time comes, who knows. 

[Beatriz]

I tried to open this link as I really feel that I need to read it, but the link does not work at this time. Does anyone know of another link or where I can find it.
Thanks for all the love and information that I have gotten from you all in just the two days I have been here. I know that I will be here for the rest of my life.

Lots of love and hugs.

The same happened for me... it just gives me a 404 error, the link needs to be updated 

[Tuyrar]

this part really is very true for me right now

When our men become women, the first thing that happens is that we grieve a loss.  Oh, I don't want to hear "you didn't lose anything - you gained a much better person."  One psychologist explained it to me this way: "Of course you are in mourning.  You did suffer a loss.  You lost your husband.  You gained a partner, friend, whatever, but you did lose a husband.  And you should expect to grieve that loss."  There are stages of mourning:  denial and isolation (pretend it's not there), anger (helplessness and vulnerability producing a lashing out - how could you do this to me?), bargaining (trying to regain control over your life), depression (worrying about the practical implications), and acceptance (finding an internal peace, and letting go).  These do not necessarily occur in the above order, and it is possible to be in more than one stage at the same time.  I went through every single one of those steps of mourning.  When I looked back on what I had gone through, I realized I had covered the full grieving procedure.  Now, it's hard enough to grieve a loss when a person has died.  Just imagine grieving a loss when the person is still there to remind you, every single day for the rest of your life, of what you "signed on for," and what you have lost.  Looking at the ghost of the person for whom you are trying to have closure on the grief.  That's really hard.

Looking at the ghost of the person for whom you are trying to have closure on the grief.  That's really hard............. so very very true

[SophieSakura]

The link wouldn't open for me.

For some of the people commenting saying that their partner was shallow because of leaving them for transitioning.  This is not fair.  Your ex partner is allowed to have their own sexuality and go out with who they want to.  Their sexuality is just as real as your gender. 

[Tuyrar]

It's at internet archive
http://web.archive.org/web/20090626024030/http://www.beaumontsociety.org.uk/wobs/challenge.html

[LiliFee]

The link to the original article is dead, please remove or unpin this topic.

[Jacqueline]

The link two posts above leads one to an archive of the original title.

Warmly,

Joanna

[Wendyway2]

Hello,

Transitioning with my wife has evolved from many stages. the first being that both of our bodies evolved in a non-binary fashion. When I re-married my wife I was dressed in a wedding gown, for me it meant accepting my homosexuality in relation to her. I suppose to her she let go over the hard working over achiever archetype I once had been. Transitioning with her as made me somehow more dependent upon her for approval of my feelings. While being dependent on family, and community in my experience proved to be  a costly mistake. I go through ways of transitioning also like dieting and quitting smoking. It is so hard to look out for number one. This article touched me, it maybe my wife's libido can still receive a more masculine progenitor. It may be I am praying that her feelings for me haven't changed, from my being her loyal homosexual who expresses his partnership to a stronger woman as a transgender. 

[Tine007]

Thank you for this article & honesty, going through all these feeling emotions & the loss of loved one that is still in your world.  words can be hard to express this topic shows both sides of happiness & sadness we all face inside processing the information and moving forward. Keeping up with a happy smile each day -:) very touched by this article, Many thanks for sharing the story's.
Tine

[Proudwife]

Yes there are many challenges for a wife to face God knows I think I have faced a few.
But all along I have stayed strong in my choice to stay with her through everything yes we have hard day but hopefully now that's things have started to move along nicely with hrt I am hoping that some of these challenges may disappear or at best get easy.
We have had people ask very insensitive questions and quite honestly we have been asked personal questions.
Like yesterday we went to get her laser treatment which turned out not to be laser!!!!!
And the person doing the treatment in her wisdom oh wait I mean stupidity decided it was ok to ask personal questions which made my wife quite frankly uncomfortable and me mad I just don't get why people think that kind of behaviour is acceptable

[Moonflower]

Thank you to everyone who shared thoughts here. I appreciate the suggestion for the significant other (that's me) to talk with someone besides the trans person about the experience. So, I asked my dearest darling spouse to choose someone, and we selected my therapist. That was wonderful! I'm looking forward to finally sharing this secret, and so is my spouse. I think that she appreciated the reassurance that I really, truly hadn't told anyone all of these years. After we had brainstormed, she saw the choice clearly as someone who she never talks with, and who has a professional code of confidentiality.

You all also got us thinking about another next step toward coming out. My talking with one person is one baby step. Finding ways to eliminate facial hair would be great. She has such a pretty, feminine face, but the facial hair grows too fast and is too coarse and dark. Smooth facial skin would give her a lot of confidence as she imagines being able to "fool" someone into thinking that she is the girl who she is. I cherish each time that someone referred to her as a girl, but she forgets those moments.

Thank you, everyone here, for inspiring us to talk more about what the transition experience is like for each of us, and how to move forward.

[Athenajacob]

She - the wife - survived, as has their marriage, and she went on to help other wives in the same situation. 

Robyn

Having trouble with this; I made my wife gradually aware over our relationship (told her about sexual abuse and resulting homoerotic dysphoria before marriage; told her about transgender pornography habits 6 months after birth of our son; told her about dressing and sexual habits around 2.5 years after the birth of our son, and encouraged us to go to therapy, but allowed her the reasonable doubt of it being fetish behaviour; two weeks ago informed her it is likely an identity and that we really need to go to therapy, and currently am in group and single therapy). Ironically, dressing and therapy have drastically reduced any male-to-male homoerotic desires to virtually zero as I am also talking about the sexual abuse more openly and embracing my transgenderism as I never dreamed possible.

My wife is strongly struggling with her own homosexual phobia as a result of childhood sexual trauma as well and is terrified that if I transition she will become a lesbian (and thus in her mind deemed, "disgusting"); these feelings seem largely socialized (she is latina and thus grew up surrounded by macho culture, and was an only child raised more like a boy by her father). I alternate submissive and agressive, I am a "Switch" as I think it may be called, and she is as well. I am more agressive in social contexts, and she is more assertive in service situations (like requesting help from a waitress, or insisting on being called next if someone cuts in line), romantically we alternate, but I have seen more agressive humor from her (and have responded submissively as I believe she wants to see, to feel more safe I suppose); but with this she also feels the need to "man-up" even though she feels she would undeniably fall short. I am not 100% sure if I am seeing some unresolved FTM feelings in her, which I would not have ever expected, or if it is the simple result of insecurity (for instance she seems to test me, saying things like; "if we end up divorced you'll just end up with a trans person, or like a FTM". I responded offhand with "well that's not really my thing" to which she seemed to respond with disappointment. I tried to correct, by saying "but of course I would be with you no matter what, and come to think of it I have been attracted to it on occasion (which is true, I just never thought two people could transition in a relationship)", but I just don't know. 

She wants me to go stealth (really for life, but I said I will 100% give her the deal that I can stay presenting as male until the kid(s) are 18, but that I would have to transition after that--I mean the promise, but I am mostly hopeful that if she has a baseline she can move forward--and she seems to be, but its like a two step forward two or four back type of thing). And per our agreement I have not told our son (she tends to break the agreement, while I have not, she is hoping I can "snap" out of it). And thinks I may have Dissasociate Identity Disorder, be Autistic (I scored high on an online test), or otherwise be mentally ill and that a cure to this would cure my desire to become some form of Transsexual (my idea is femininizing surgeries to the face, voice, and body (except the penis, she really wants to keep it and I don't mind it, although thinking about it, its pretty hard to tuck, but I might just have to do the numbing trick.

Really wishing I cam out far earlier, but I am where I am and I think it will work. Any resources or guidance would be welcome.