Savoring the journey

[Arch]

Today, my therapist said something that made me think. I've been completely keyed up since I came out, and of course I'm very unhappy with the way I present right now. I'm impatient. Want to get this all figured out and taken care of. Want to move ahead. I'm always pacing around in the living room, working off my nervous energy and bouncing off the walls. I can't fall asleep. My mind races, and my body is jittery. I feel like a large panther in a small cage.

Then he says something like, "You shouldn't forget to enjoy now. Savor how good it feels to be out to yourself. Take joy in having discovered who you are and in being who you are right this minute."

I'm not much for touchy-feelie stuff. I've always been suspicious of cheerful people. As a cynic and a longtime depressive, I often scoff at gooey concepts like joy and inner happiness and whatnot. But I have to admit that he's right. I'm so busy stressing about what I haven't accomplished this summer and about my expected transition and about what might happen in my relationship that I haven't been taking pleasure in the luxury of having acknowledged who and what I am. For the first couple of days after I came out, I was on a terrific, triumphant high. Then I started fretting about therapy and my appearance and T and top surgery and my relationship and the future, and--and--and (slow down, son--you're makin' me nervous). I completely lost that immensely happy feeling that had issued from the knowledge that now I knew who and what I was. I remember that sensation. I was so damned happy. I felt free. I felt like I could slay dragons. Hell, I felt as if I had slain a dragon.

I guess I need to stop sometimes and relive that. And I need to remember that in order to arrive at my destination, I have to actually experience the journey.

[PolarBear]

Kudos to you, Arch, for trying to live by that bit of wisdom. Life will be a whole less stressful when you can enjoy the moment.

[Yochanan]

My therapist told me, "Your sexuality is not your life." I think she meant to say "gender identity" but didn't know the correct term. She's right, though. She also said that whatever my gender is, the most important thing is to be happy and to feel good about myself.

Arch, I think your therapist has got the right of it, too. "Savor how good it feels to be out to yourself." I'll remember that one.

[sneakersjay]

Savor?

Now that's not a word I'd use for coming out to myself!

Enjoy life: totally.

Glad I have a diagnosis and my problem can be fixed? Absolutely.

Savor the journey of transition?  Uh, no.  That's kind of like enjoying being on crutches after a broken leg, plus physical therapy.  Necessary, yes.  Enjoyable?  Not really.

Keeping a good sense of humor and balance in your life is great advice, though.  Obsessing over stuff to the exclusion of all else is not good.  Understandable in the beginning when we're trying to understand and make sense of it all.

Me?  I just want to get on with the rest of my life.  This in-between limbo land kinda sucks.

Jay

[Arch]

Keeping a good sense of humor and balance in your life is great advice, though.  Obsessing over stuff to the exclusion of all else is not good.  Understandable in the beginning when we're trying to understand and make sense of it all.

Me?  I just want to get on with the rest of my life.  This in-between limbo land kinda sucks.

Jay

I hear ya, Jay. I know what you mean. Maybe my subject line was a bit misleading.

One thing that my therapist was getting at (and I didn't convey it in my post) is exactly what Yochanan said--our gender identity (and in my case at least, sexuality too) is not our life. We do other things. We eat and sleep and go to work or school and watch movies and read books and go on with other aspects of our lives. There can be pleasure in that; and "regular" life, outside of therapy or transitioning, is part of the journey. This is not to say that transitioning doesn't have its little moments, of course--I'm assuming that it does, even if they're few and far between.

My first adolescence was not only about adolescence. Even though I was under a cloud much of the time because of my gender and sexuality confusion, my depression, and my family situation, I still took some pleasure in other things. School to some extent. Star Trek. Books. Horses. My imagination.

If and when I go through my second adolescence, I hope to enjoy some of it. Not just aspects of daily life but also the knowledge that I'm finally coming into my own, going through a process that will make me truly ME. Yeah, I won't be there yet. I'll be in limbo, just as you said. But part of me wants to take the Trekkie view and think of the process, at least in part, as an opportunity to explore the strange new world that I'm crafting and to enjoy the sensation of boldly--but gradually--going where I've never gone before.

I think I have to play things this way because my natural tendency is to obsess and to take the cynical (if not pessimistic) view. If I don't actively try to stay positive, I'll be miserable for a long, long time while I'm trying to reach my gender destination. I've spent too much of my life being depressed and confused. Now that I'm coming to terms with my identity, I'd like to be reasonably happy about it--at least as far as I'm able.

I do savor coming out--that ebullient moment when I suddenly knew, and the continuing phenomenon of knowing and being (even if that being is purely psychological and not physical). And I might not savor transition, but I hope I'll find some pleasures in both transition and life-while-I-transition.

I know that everyone is different and that these things might not hold true for you. I respect that.

I don't know, does this make sense?

[tekla]

The old adage is that the Joy is IN the Journey.  That its all about the Journey, its the Journey that takes the time, the effort and gives the reward, the end is often a non-event.

Its not the finishing of the work that is cool, its doing the work itself.

[Arch]

The old adage is that the Joy is IN the Journey.  That its all about the Journey, its the Journey that takes the time, the effort and gives the reward, the end is often a non-event.

Its not the finishing of the work that is cool, its doing the work itself.

Succinct as always. Thanks. 

[tekla]

I'm not always succinct I can ramble like a Garcia guitar solo when the mood takes me.  But I do know that no reward at the end is worth hating how you have to get there. 

I think that is the real deal with work (any work, all work, and transition is work) is worth doing not to get done, not to get the check, but because you love the work in and of itself alone.

[Arch]

I'm not always succinct I can ramble like a Garcia guitar solo when the mood takes me.  But I do know that no reward at the end is worth hating how you have to get there. 

I think that is the real deal with work (any work, all work, and transition is work) is worth doing not to get done, not to get the check, but because you love the work in and of itself alone.

Tekla, that's where I've always been with my dissertation. Once I figured out which way I was headed, I enjoyed the research, enjoyed doing something cool and new, enjoyed going where nobody else had been. There have always been setbacks, but I liked the challenge and the fact that it was MY project, my own. It's not just the PhD at the end of the tunnel. It's the work. I passionately love the work, even if it doesn't always go according to plan and even though the project is stalled at the moment.

It's not every day that a person comes out as a female-bodied, hetero-seeming gay guy. I'm learning to forgive myself for putting my diss aside for a couple of months. I'll get back to it, and I'll finish it.

And perhaps I should have said, "Succinct as usual."

Ramble on. I'll read it.

[Mister]

I would have laughed in my therapist's face had she said that.

The inbetween of transition was something i couldn't wait to be rid of.  i didn't savor it.  I don't look back at it now and wish for those good, old genderfudged times.  Lucky for me, testosterone took hold very quickly and top surgery was scheduled in short order.

[Arch]

I would have laughed in my therapist's face had she said that.

The inbetween of transition was something i couldn't wait to be rid of.  i didn't savor it.  I don't look back at it now and wish for those good, old genderfudged times.  Lucky for me, testosterone took hold very quickly and top surgery was scheduled in short order.

Mister, I can relate, at least in a limited way. But for me, it was a big milestone to come out and finally acknowledge who I am. I think that he wants me to keep in mind that it took some courage to do it, so I should pat myself on the back for that every now and then. And even if I'm now in quite a bit of distress, at least that's better than suppressing and hiding, which is what I've been doing for years. And despite everything that's going on right now, I can still enjoy good things like my partner, the movies, and a good steak. When I get spooled up, I tend to forget everything good and focus on the bad. I need to unlearn some of these habits because they sure won't help me when I really DO transition.

[Mister]

I would have laughed in my therapist's face had she said that.

The inbetween of transition was something i couldn't wait to be rid of.  i didn't savor it.  I don't look back at it now and wish for those good, old genderfudged times.  Lucky for me, testosterone took hold very quickly and top surgery was scheduled in short order.

Mister, I can relate, at least in a limited way. But for me, it was a big milestone to come out and finally acknowledge who I am. I think that he wants me to keep in mind that it took some courage to do it, so I should pat myself on the back for that every now and then. And even if I'm now in quite a bit of distress, at least that's better than suppressing and hiding, which is what I've been doing for years. And despite everything that's going on right now, I can still enjoy good things like my partner, the movies, and a good steak. When I get spooled up, I tend to forget everything good and focus on the bad. I need to unlearn some of these habits because they sure won't help me when I really DO transition.

Ahhh, ok.  I thought it was a whole 'enjoy the ride!' statement.  *shudders*