So last night me, my bro, and the father were out shopping since we have to get another set of clothes because we're starting to live at his house half the time since our parents are split. The trip turned into more of us debating over what style dishes the father should buy but anyways.
We're standing in the food court debating what we should eat and one of our many silences comes up, and I notice the father staring at my chest. I give him a weird look and he gets really anal about how it looks. I was binding at the time, but it was a rudimentary job, so my chest looked very ambiguous, basically you would look and it'd be hard to tell whether it was simply a larger guy's chest or a particularly flat girl's chest. And so he asked if that was my sports bra, and I said yes because I'd be in so much trouble if he knew I was binding. So then he started getting on my case majorly, asking why I bought the bra, why I needed a sports one, commenting that I "don't look natural," etc. He didn't even take it when I said that I always wear sports bras since when I get back to school, I have PE daily. I guess you can say that it was my fault since I was lying to hide the binding, but it is true, I do wear sports bras around the clock for that reason.
This has been the biggest confrontation about my clothing/presentation habits since I came out of the closet and told the parents that I was a lesbian and explained that I dress like a boy because of it. [Not true, I dress like a boy because although I'm not a true transgender, I am much more on the male side.] Really kicking myself about that, I should have never brought up clothing but too late now.
Anyways, this whole thing made me extremely anxious. I was on verge of having a panic attack all night and although afer sleeping it's better, I'm still so so scared. This happens every time he gets anal about my clothing. And he told me last night that we need to have a veryyyy long talk, probably one in which he repeatedly condemns me to hell and is excessively homophobic/homo-hater. This talk may or may not happen since he's so busy with work and such. But inside I'm still scared to death of more confrontations and this huge talk.
He can't make me dress like a girl, he can't he can't he can't. It's seriously messing my head up just thinking about it. He wants me to dress conservatively but I think he's getting so fed up with me taking the conservative thing too far, that he might actually go against his morals and make me dress in supertight clothing/short skirts/etc. I know that I am going to be very seriously suicidal if this happens. I am so against the idea of explaining how badly I am going to be to him, mainly because he is a bad guy and he doesn't deserve to know how I'm feeling, ever. And it goes against my own morals to threaten someone like that even if it is true.
I just don't know what to do. I've been shoving this whole issue to the back of my head even since it all started.
I have no T or psych, the Ts I had an appointment with, I didn't like. I'm on a waiting list for a psych which is supposedly a month or two long. I'll have access to the school counselor when school gets back in, and he's amazing. But until then, I just don't know.
Let me know if you read, I know this is massively long.
Thanks, -Sam.
