So last night me, my bro, and the father were out shopping since we have to get another set of clothes because we're starting to live at his house half the time since our parents are split. The trip turned into more of us debating over what style dishes the father should buy but anyways.

We're standing in the food court debating what we should eat and one of our many silences comes up, and I notice the father staring at my chest. I give him a weird look and he gets really anal about how it looks. I was binding at the time, but it was a rudimentary job, so my chest looked very ambiguous, basically you would look and it'd be hard to tell whether it was simply a larger guy's chest or a particularly flat girl's chest. And so he asked if that was my sports bra, and I said yes because I'd be in so much trouble if he knew I was binding. So then he started getting on my case majorly, asking why I bought the bra, why I needed a sports one, commenting that I "don't look natural," etc. He didn't even take it when I said that I always wear sports bras since when I get back to school, I have PE daily. I guess you can say that it was my fault since I was lying to hide the binding, but it is true, I do wear sports bras around the clock for that reason.

This has been the biggest confrontation about my clothing/presentation habits since I came out of the closet and told the parents that I was a lesbian and explained that I dress like a boy because of it. [Not true, I dress like a boy because although I'm not a true transgender, I am much more on the male side.] Really kicking myself about that, I should have never brought up clothing but too late now.

Anyways, this whole thing made me extremely anxious. I was on verge of having a panic attack all night and although afer sleeping it's better, I'm still so so scared. This happens every time he gets anal about my clothing. And he told me last night that we need to have a veryyyy long talk, probably one in which he repeatedly condemns me to hell and is excessively homophobic/homo-hater. This talk may or may not happen since he's so busy with work and such. But inside I'm still scared to death of more confrontations and this huge talk.

He can't make me dress like a girl, he can't he can't he can't. It's seriously messing my head up just thinking about it. He wants me to dress conservatively but I think he's getting so fed up with me taking the conservative thing too far, that he might actually go against his morals and make me dress in supertight clothing/short skirts/etc. I know that I am going to be very seriously suicidal if this happens. I am so against the idea of explaining how badly I am going to be to him, mainly because he is a bad guy and he doesn't deserve to know how I'm feeling, ever. And it goes against my own morals to threaten someone like that even if it is true.

I just don't know what to do. I've been shoving this whole issue to the back of my head even since it all started.

I have no T or psych, the Ts I had an appointment with, I didn't like. I'm on a waiting list for a psych which is supposedly a month or two long. I'll have access to the school counselor when school gets back in, and he's amazing. But until then, I just don't know.

Let me know if you read, I know this is massively long.

Thanks, -Sam.

Your dad staring at your chest in public to try and decipher what bra you're wearing? oh hell naw. The man is scary. Have you tried telling him he's making you very uncomfortable?

I have told him many, many times that he scares me to no end. He doesn't believe me. -insert details that I've omitted as people IRL are reading this- PM if you want details.

All that would bother me too.

And I guess it might be a good thing they are kind of out of it, because I was a lesbian and explained that I dress like a boy because of it doesn't hold water.  Its just not true.

But you need to talk to someone in a position of some authority, you dad may be close to crossing the line.

Yeah, this seems like a very unnerving situation. It strikes me as... suspicious that he should care whether you look 'natural' or not. I would have thought that you being happy expressing yourself the way you choose to would be his first consideration.

You say your parents don't live together. Have you told your mother about any of this?

*hugs*

I'm not really sure I can offer any worthwhile advice, Sam, other than to say that there may well come a time when you have to lay your cards on the table, so to speak, or face being someone that you're expected to be rather than who you want to be.

From what you've said, it sounds like he won't believe you even if you do tell him how you're feeling. It sounds like he's too wrapped up in himself and his own idea of who his percieved 'daughter' should be.

So I would suggest that you listen to what he has to say, try and stay calm, and remember that he can't physically force you to dress like a girl (there are people you can speak to if he tries). He can't watch you twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week. And if you dress the way you want to dress, even if that means changing your clothes two feet after you've left the front door, then he'll have to get the message eventually.

I would hope that love for his child outweighs any negative attitudes he may have, and he should be ashamed of himself if it doesn't... but nevertheless, you must be true to yourself, Sam, no matter what. He doesn't live your life, you do, and you owe it to yourself to make your life what you want it to be, regardless of his feelings about it.

I really hope things work out for you, honey.

Quote from: Leiandra on August 13, 2008, 02:53:48 PM
You say your parents don't live together. Have you told your mother about any of this?

No. It'd be pointless since although she doesn't really care how I dress, that's only because she knows she can't stop me. It would probably make her happy to know that the only person who can control me is making an effort.

Thanks for the reply. And the hug. -hugs back-

Quote from: Leiandra on August 13, 2008, 02:53:48 PM
I would hope that love for his child outweighs any negative attitudes he may have...

I wouldn't count on it, but I'm speaking from my own experience. Hence I am a bit cynical.

Free, I'm with Tekla on this one, only a little more so. Your father sounds like he's overstepping his boundary, intruding on your safe zone...what you have said, I find extremely unnerving.

Please be careful, and if you can rely on your mother or another parental figure/adult relative, you might seek support or advice from him or her.

Urgh, I see him again tonight. And then I actually have to live in the same house as him for a day and a half. And much of the time we'll be shopping for clothing. I'm extremely anxious again. I made a little list of positive thinking and it's helping a little. -is suppressing freakout-

And my best friend got herself grounded. Lovely timing.