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croissant or not?

Started by Stealthgrrl, August 16, 2008, 03:02:43 PM

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Stealthgrrl

 I want to know if this happened to you: we all have a sense of "like me" and "not like me". For me, I am a woman, I am white, I am of a certain age, blah blah. I'm not talking about a concious thing. I'm talking about that automatic reaction one has to people all around.
   Well, before transition, even though I felt very feminine within myself, I still felt like men were (kind of) like me, and women were "other than me." And immediately after surgery and for a period thereafter I still had that sense. I wanted on the girl's team but didn't feel i was, just yet. Then at some point no more than two years in, I realized that a big shift had taken place, and now I identified women as "like me" and men as "other." It's a profound thing and either you'll know what I mean or you won't.
   I guess what I'm saying is this: one can love all things French, want to go to France, dress French, eat French, live in Paris, but one will still not BE French. But at some point...oo la la, bonjour, je m'appelle Stealth, ca va?   At some point I turned into a croissant. Did that happen to you? I suspect it did. I'd be interested to know. No one talks about this much.

Stealth
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Sephirah

Yeah, that did happen to me about three years ago. It was the result of a very vivid dream (like the one that showed me my name).

In it, I was walking in an abandoned city and, at the time, I was male-bodied. I saw a fight taking place in the ruins of an abandoned church, one that was semi-demolished and looked like it could fall down at any minute.

I say fight, but in reality it was several young, very frightened looking ladies backed into a corner, surrounded by a group of soldiers (at least that's what they looked like - although they were wearing appliances similar to gas masks).

Anyway, in muffled voices I could hear a constant stream of... sexual references as to what they were going to do to these women, and the delight they would take in doing so. This only made the women even more terrified and if they could have clawed through the wall, they would have ripped their fingers off trying.

Against my better judgement (that being "you really don't want to go over there, this isn't your fight") I approached the group. And then I noticed I was dressed in the same attire as these soldier guys.

One of the women spotted me and she shrank away even further, whereby the soldiers turned around and saluted. I have no idea why, but then they removed their masks and started...

*sigh*

Well, the remarks can't really be repeated here, but you could probably imagine what was said. Lots of comparisons with female dogs, female horses, slang terms for felines... and how they looked as though they were begging for a good... you know.

...

Anyway, that was when I started to feel very strange. I looked at the two groups repeatedly. But I couldn't move. I was like a rabbit frozen in the headlights of a car. I stared at my hands, then at the women, then at the soldiers.

And I felt disgusted. And horrified.

I said how abhorrent the soldiers' behaviour was (not exactly using that word or that turn of phrase *blushes*) and then removed the mask that I was wearing. This was when I caught sight of my reflection in the smashed glass of a nearby window. It definitely wasn't that of a male.

They were shocked for a second, then leering and wanting to know where "a piece like me got hold of a uniform."

The women were all staring at me as well, but their expressions were ones of solidarity and... hope almost. I felt connected to them, I felt like I belonged. And these soldier guys were a threat to us.

...

They forgot about the other women, and started to approach me with hideous grins on their faces. I admit that I was scared, but only partially with the threat of what they could do to me... also with the realisation of who I was and how I now felt totally disconnected to something I previously thought I was.

So, apparently my physical body had changed as well and I was, to all intents and purposes, a woman.

Just before I woke up, they all lunged at me and I removed two silver magnums from holsters that had somehow appeared at my sides, a-la Lara Croft, and sent them into the next life with those lecherous smiles still on their lips.

I walked towards the group of women, smiling, and felt... at home.

...

*blushes* Sorry for the long post, but that one dream, the vividness, the impact, changed my whole perception of how I see myself and my connection with my true gender. It's been like that ever since. I feel more of a kinship and deeper emotional connection with women, and that I am now one of the girls.
Natura nihil frustra facit.

"You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection." ~ Buddha.

If you're dealing with self esteem issues, maybe click here. There may be something you find useful. :)
Above all... remember: you are beautiful, you are valuable, and you have a shining spark of magnificence within you. Don't let anyone take that from you. Embrace who you are. <3
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lisagurl

I can make croissant and English muffin even sour dough. I was born grain in a vast sea that is surrounded by sand.
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Stealthgrrl

Wow, Leiandra, what a powerful, amazing dream! Thank you so much for sharing it! And um...thank you for the discreet way you shared it, too.

What a moment, when you realized who was "other" and who was "us"! And in dreams, dispatching an adversary or adversaries like that, means overcoming an obstacle. What a turning point this dream must have been for you!

That feeling of solidarity, of us-ness...I love it.

Stealth
  •  

Sephirah

Quote from: Stealthgrrl on August 16, 2008, 05:56:51 PM
Wow, Leiandra, what a powerful, amazing dream! Thank you so much for sharing it! And um...thank you for the discreet way you shared it, too.

What a moment, when you realized who was "other" and who was "us"! And in dreams, dispatching an adversary or adversaries like that, means overcoming an obstacle. What a turning point this dream must have been for you!

That feeling of solidarity, of us-ness...I love it.

Stealth

*smiles* A large number of 'epiphanies' occur through my dreams. I tend to remember them in great detail. I suspect that may be because it's one of the few ways my thoughts and emotions can catch me off-guard, lol.

You're right, it was very profound, and largely as a result of it I know exactly the feeling you're talking about. It's rather hard to describe until you experience it. It's like a pole-shift in your very core and affects the way you view everything else afterwards.

But just to clarify, I don't feel animosity towards men as a result of what happened in the dream. I think the guys in the dream were more symbolic of the old concepts and attitudes I had of what percieved masculinity was supposed to feel and be like. Now I just don't consider myself male or feel any hint of familiarity with being 'one of the guys'.

It's like... expecting a wolf to fetch a stick. It doesn't register at all. Now I feel born to hunt with the pack and run free. :)
Natura nihil frustra facit.

"You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection." ~ Buddha.

If you're dealing with self esteem issues, maybe click here. There may be something you find useful. :)
Above all... remember: you are beautiful, you are valuable, and you have a shining spark of magnificence within you. Don't let anyone take that from you. Embrace who you are. <3
  •  

Janet_Girl

As I get closer to FT and the more people are informed of my transition, mostly by me. On a one on one basis, I am finding that most of the bio-women that I work with seem to give me this 'Welcome to the club' smile.  It is a reassuring feeling that I am being accepted and I have even been to work as 'me' yet.


Mistress Janet


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Stealthgrrl

Quote from: Janet Lynn on August 16, 2008, 06:38:19 PM
As I get closer to FT and the more people are informed of my transition, mostly by me. On a one on one basis, I am finding that most of the bio-women that I work with seem to give me this 'Welcome to the club' smile.  It is a reassuring feeling that I am being accepted and I have even been to work as 'me' yet.


Mistress Janet




That's a lovely thing, Janet, and I'm glad for you! But it isn't what I'm talking about here. I'm talking about:

Quote from: Leiandra on August 16, 2008, 06:27:58 PM
It's rather hard to describe until you experience it. It's like a pole-shift in your very core and affects the way you view everything else afterwards.


That's an excellent description of what I mean here.  :)

Stealth
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Janet_Girl

Sorry I'll go away now.

Janet
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Stealthgrrl

Quote from: Janet Lynn on August 16, 2008, 07:37:12 PM
Sorry I'll go away now.

Janet

Oh, hey! Please don't take it that way.

((((((((((((Janet))))))))))
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Janet_Girl

no I am just depressed.  see my blog.
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gothique11

Quote from: Stealthgrrl on August 16, 2008, 03:02:43 PM
I want to know if this happened to you: we all have a sense of "like me" and "not like me". For me, I am a woman, I am white, I am of a certain age, blah blah. I'm not talking about a concious thing. I'm talking about that automatic reaction one has to people all around.
   Well, before transition, even though I felt very feminine within myself, I still felt like men were (kind of) like me, and women were "other than me." And immediately after surgery and for a period thereafter I still had that sense. I wanted on the girl's team but didn't feel i was, just yet. Then at some point no more than two years in, I realized that a big shift had taken place, and now I identified women as "like me" and men as "other." It's a profound thing and either you'll know what I mean or you won't.
   I guess what I'm saying is this: one can love all things French, want to go to France, dress French, eat French, live in Paris, but one will still not BE French. But at some point...oo la la, bonjour, je m'appelle Stealth, ca va?   At some point I turned into a croissant. Did that happen to you? I suspect it did. I'd be interested to know. No one talks about this much.

Stealth



it happened to me a while ago. I think started at the Take Back the Night march (women against violence march). I felt a sense of sisterhood there. Over time, I just found the connection got stronger and stronger. Now, I can't even remember what it was like pre-transition. I really don't feel a connection to men, and they don't get the connection with me. With other women, however, I share a strong connection with.

I've also been finding (although I might get blasted for saying this) that I keep finding that I can't relate to trans people starting out. Now that I'm post-op I also get that same feeling. It's really weird, actually, but perhaps expected. Just being post-op in general I've noticed a shift in a few things. A few people have said that there is something "different" with me, even those who don't know about my trans-history/surgery. One customer at work came up to me and said she noticed something different about me, and it was good, but she didn't know what it was. Others have commented that I've started to get more confident recently.

  •  

Shana A

Quote from: Janet Lynn on August 16, 2008, 07:37:12 PM
Sorry I'll go away now.

Janet

Don't leave Janet! Things will get better

:icon_hug: :icon_hug: :icon_hug:

Z
"Be yourself; everyone else is already taken." Oscar Wilde


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NicholeW.

Croissant.  :) With fresh-churned butter and a nice ripe cheese.  :)

Nichole
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Northern Jane

My experience was somewhat different but with the same end-point.

Through my teens (1960's) I had lived part time en femme, whenever I could get away from home mostly. During that time en femme, I learned a LOT of things about 'girl's life' and began to get some hints about me, what I might be like. It was GREAT to dress, make up, and party but there was always the underlying knowledge that I was (physically at least) "an impostor", a spy, and had to maintain strict limits and maintain careful control. But the more I lived en femme, the more disconnected I became from anything male or masculine without really being able to replace it with things feminine. That eventually led to serious depression and a dangerous (hopeless) head-space.

In all honesty, when SRS became available in 1974, I did not know what I was but I knew what I was NOT so I took the leap and did it that year, at age 24.

I knew that I had missed a LOT of the socialization and other things that other girls grew up with so I watched the girls around me and learned from them, but the personality was already there. It was easy to fit with the other girls by just being ME, open and natural. I had not realized (before SRS) how easily  and naturally all this would come until I became part of 'the inner sanctum' - it fit like a comfortable old slipper! I could be myself and that was OK, both with me and everybody around me, and I no longer had to think about everything I said or did and how it would look or what the repercussions would be because everything now FIT and nobody batted an eyelash.

A couple of years after transition/SRS, I looked around at my life and my friends and realized that I had become even MORE as a person than I had ever dreamed possible! I had already exceeded my dreams by leaps and bound  ;D and I was just beginning.

Now, after 34 years, I simply can't imagine life any other way. If I was 14 today and had half the knowledge I have, I would be breaking down every barrier to transition immediately - but then hindsight is always 20/20, isn't it.
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