Aw Darlin', Keep your chin up! Not every trans person transitions, or at least not all the way. You are in NO way cowardly to be afraid, as transitioning requires expensive medical alterations that I think everyone (even those who refuse to admit it) are scared of. Your sisters are good ones, they are looking out for you, but it is impossible for them to fully understand the plight of a transsexual. The feelings, those which make you desire to be a man, will indeed never go away and or dissipate if ignored. This is fact. I'd say at this point in the game you don't need a doctor you need a therapist (unless that is what you meant), a gender specialist preferred. They can help you sort out these strange feelings and help you to make sense of it all. That's where I'm going next, therapy.
You are making perfect sense about your mother. Be patient with her, I believe that if she says she wants to help than she truly does, every parent wants to steer their child in the right direction at heart whether they actually do it or not. She may be in a state of frustration or denial but that is normal. She IS scared for you, her child, talk gentle and give her time, she'll come around alright I'm sure. Being a man in the one driving factor in my life, the only thing that causes me to progress forward, which is my reason to follow through with it. You can have a life without it, it's possible, but not the same kind of like you could have if you did transition. Remember that we on susans are ALWAYS here for you. If you feel that you have no one else to turn to or that no one else will listen, rest assured we will. We are all in the same boat, the same shivering little puppies in the litter cuddled together because our eyes are closed and we are nervous.
Odds are this is not a phase. I've been realized trans for 2 years, that's a damn long phase. 'Ending it all' is the worst idea imaginable and I will beat that thought right outta your head. No. Hang tight, be strong, and just... live. Your heart will tell you what to do.
