Sometimes im scared of my fillings. what i mean is. i have always felt like a man. and i want to change. But in scared that if i start my trans i might regret it. im 20 and i fill like this will never go away and that i will always fill like i should be a man. but my sister keeps telling me i might regret it. so it gets me more and more confused. so i wont go to the docs to talk about it. last night i asked my mum to make a epontment for me. that way i have to go and maybe he can help be and stop me from being so confused. but she didnt. and all day she been in a mood with me all day. i dont now if its cuz now she fills im really going to go though with this and shes scared for me i dont now.. she tells me shes ok with it and she will help me get though this but  latley it seems like shes forgot. i dont now if shes trying to make it seem like she treating me no diff.. But somtimes i want to talk about it but i fill like she dont if that makes sence. im so confused and what to start things going cuz i fill like my life is going on but im not. i fill like i have no life till i become how i want to become. But i cant do this on my own. and i thought she be there for me. i have nooo! friends and have no one to talk to about this so i keep beating myself up about it and then i keep thinking maybe its a fase i should just get on with my life. but then somthink nocks me down like i see my body and i just want to end it all.. i just want to now if anyone eles fills like there making the wrong move. I fill like my mind has be made up. im just scared that 5 years down the line it might change Im never any gd at making my mind up LOL

Make an appointment for therapy with a good gender therapist.  You won't regret it.

And, it doesn't go away.  I'm just starting transition and I'm 47.  Others I know started in their late 20s, & 30s.  You can hide it and deny it, but it will still be there.

Good luck!  And remember we're here!

Jay

 
Aw Darlin', Keep your chin up! Not every trans person transitions, or at least not all the way. You are in NO way cowardly to be afraid, as transitioning requires expensive medical alterations that I think everyone (even those who refuse to admit it) are scared of. Your sisters are good ones, they are looking out for you, but it is impossible for them to fully understand the plight of a transsexual. The feelings, those which make you desire to be a man, will indeed never go away and or dissipate if ignored. This is fact. I'd say at this point in the game you don't need a doctor you need a therapist (unless that is what you meant), a gender specialist preferred. They can help you sort out these strange feelings and help you to make sense of it all. That's where I'm going next, therapy.

You are making perfect sense about your mother. Be patient with her, I believe that if she says she wants to help than she truly does, every parent wants to steer their child in the right direction at heart whether they actually do it or not. She may be in a state of frustration or denial but that is normal. She IS scared for you, her child, talk gentle and give her time, she'll come around alright I'm sure. Being a man in the one driving factor in my life, the only thing that causes me to progress forward, which is my reason to follow through with it. You can have a life without it, it's possible, but not the same kind of like you could have if you did transition. Remember that we on susans are ALWAYS here for you. If you feel that you have no one else to turn to or that no one else will listen, rest assured we will. We are all in the same boat, the same shivering little puppies in the litter cuddled together because our eyes are closed and we are nervous.

Odds are this is not a phase. I've been realized trans for 2 years, that's a damn long phase. 'Ending it all' is the worst idea imaginable and I will beat that thought right outta your head. No. Hang tight, be strong, and just... live. Your heart will tell you what to do. 

Let me just start by saying I'm TERRIFIED of all the medical alterations, but then...it's like everytime I see or notice something that I wish I had that a bio male friend of mine already has I get down about my body. There's a lot of things that make me get down about my body, and only the medical alterations will fix that. I'm hoping I can start seeing a therapist soon because I'm just as scared as you are, and nearly as alone. Though I have friends who are supportive of my being trans, they don't really understand fully what it means so I'm not sure how much of it I can talk to them about.

Definitely start seeking help dude. I thought my feelings would go away too, and that they're just a phase....but then I'm also letting all of what my parents said mess me up in the head. Mention of how I've been in other phases before makes me begin to doubt myself but moments like today where I'm filling out job applications and don't even SEE the female option because I'm so fixated on checking male, or when I wince if someone I used to know calls me by my girl name.... It never goes away dude.

I didn't mean to talk about myself the whole time, but I figured maybe if I gave you a little bit of insight about how I think it would make you see that you're not as alone as you think. Keep coming back dude, keep us posted on how things are going. Hope to see you around susan's more.

Hey Hazard,

I think I'm in the same boat as you are in, at the moment. I too think/hope/am afraid/feel/whatever that these male feelings are a phase, and that I would make a mistake in transitioning. I don't know what the truth is, and only time will tell. Time, and a lot of soul searching. Only you know what is right for you, and if you don't know right now, that is okay. Take your time, sort out your feelings.

As Jay and James-Allen said, a gender therapist could really help you sorting things out. I, myself, have therapy at the moment though my therapist isn't specialised in gender problems. For me she was a good first step, and now I am going to look for someone who is schooled in this subject.
You know, the thing that keeps me going forward is the thought that I am the one who is setting the pace. I'm taking baby steps, and that's just the way I like it.

I hope that your mum will be positive towards getting you an appointment with a therapist. Make sure she knows that that doesn't necessarily mean that you will transition. Give her and your sister time. It's a lot to take in. They want what is best for you, and care for you.


Take care,
PolarBear

How much would a therapist cost?

My therapy sessions, although not for gender issues [yet, I'm hoping], after medical insurance, only cost $10 a session.

And like everyone else said, you're so not alone. Sometimes, especially in a situation where I'm forced to dress like a girl, I feel like well, this is handy, no questions to combat, do I really want to throw it away permanently? But in the end the answer is always yes.

Everyday from the time i wake up to the times i sleep its on my mind, and like u said when i go though everythink over and over  i now its a yes. amd its what i want. It makes it easyer for me i guess cuz my mum allows me to dress like a boy.. But it was bad when i was younger when she didnt. Im just finding it hard to make the 1st move... I get so stressed with myself sometimes i conflicet myself in pain so im not thinking about it.. I find i easyer talking about it tho.. My mum is going though problums and i try not to be in a stress around her cuz she has her own trouble. I guess its cuz she dont now how i fill.. The only place i can think od going is to see my GP. and maybe he can help me find a therapist, But i really need to talk to someone. cuz i dont now how long i can deal with this for.. After telling my mum and most of my family it still fills like i never have. it still fills like im doing this all on my own.

Hazard, let me reiterate what Nate said, that it never goes away. I have been suppressing for YEARS, and it all came crashing down on me this summer. For chrissake don't do what I did. You will tangle yourself up and hurt yourself that much more. I know.

Yes, by all means talk to your GP and tell him/her that you need to see someone as soon as possible.

Calling my GID therapist and leaving a message was one of the hardest things I've ever done. Picking up the phone when he called back was THE hardest thing I've ever done. I was so stressed that I literally wondered if I was going to have a heart attack. And walking into his office that first time, I was seriously freaked.

But man am I so glad I did it. I'm still coping with a ton of internal turmoil, but I feel so much better knowing that I am taking steps to deal with my issues. I had to push through a helluva lot of fear, but it was bloody well worth it to get this far--to get to the very beginning of the trek, regardless of the destination. I'm still figuring that out.

Stay strong and get the help. Do it now. And come here and post whenever you need to. There's always someone willing to listen.

Have you gotten a name change yet, cause i think that will probably make it a little easeier but then again i dont know since you may have to live in the middle of two genders forr a while so prepare for that but you should really keep talking about because they does help. plus if you dont and starting becoming unstable it will probably make it harder to get "recommended" But if its always been there, its not going to go away