(seems odd there's so many Katie's around here...)
Anyway, here's me. Middle-aged. Career. Marriage. Deep, burning desire to live life as the person I truly am. You know, the usual.
For my entire life I've known there was something different with me. As a small child, I wanted to have babies. Loved my stuffed animals, too, and had all kinds of play appliances to "help" Mom clean with.
Would love to play house with the girls, rather than football with the boys. It was just more fun! And even when playing with the boys, we'd play things like rescuing the princess from the dragon... and, well, someone had to be the princess, right?
And that felt so amazingly good, in ways that I couldn't even describe at the time. Not sexual, just.... right.
I've never been muscular, and have never *wanted* to be muscular. Never gotten along with boys well at all. I just don't seem to speak the language.
At 14 I remember trying *really hard* to get my breasts to grow by focusing my mind on them. Didn't work, much to my chagrin. Still didn't really know what was going on.
Somewhere around 18 I figured it out - I was transgendered. Now, what to do! And that quickly fell into.... nothing. Time and time again I'd tell myself "I'll transition after this happens, or that happens." It's damaged relationships, caused headaches.
Only recently did I realize that many of my close guy-friendships were probably closer to boyfriend/girlfriend relationships than anything. That's an interesting realization, lemme tell you!
I'm happy about one thing - I've come to the realization that I'm a girl. I may be taking the remedial classes, but that's okay, I'm fine with that. But at least that little peace has come to me. No more fighting or denying it.
It's the next steps that scare me. To start with.... posting here. The first public acknowledgement. It's a bit scary, to say the least.
I'd like to see a therapist, to help make some sense of what's going on in my mind.
My single biggest fear is that anything I do just threates to open the floodgates - and once they're open, they may not close back up. Worse yet, I may not want them to. Each step feels like it's one potential step off of a precipice, from which I will not be able to scramble back up. Sometimes I avoid "femme-y" things just out of that fear - not that it's too femme for me, but I'm afraid it will just accelerate everything.
I would love to try E, to see the effect it would have on me. That takes therapy. I have to look into that.
Interestingly enough, I do think that my parents would be unsurprised. I worked with a relatively famous transgendered gal when she came out, and we discussed it a bit. My father's response was "Just don't tell me until after it's over." I thought that was an interesting, honest response for him.
I wouldn't change this at all. If someone offered me a pill to make me "normal", I'd tell them to keep it. If they offered me one to transform me instantly, I'd take it in a heartbeat. I'm tired of denying myself, or rationalizing it away.
My biggest regrets are not taking advantage of a few opportunities when I was younger to perhaps look into therapy/treatment. especially when I look at pictures of myself when I was younger, compared to the damage since. That makes me sad.
So.... anyway..... that's about that
Pretty typical tale, I'm sure, and thanks for reading as much as you did without nodding off!
(Oh, and I've read all of the rules, etc. Thanks, though
)
Katie
