(seems odd there's so many Katie's around here...)

Anyway, here's me.  Middle-aged.  Career.  Marriage.  Deep, burning desire to live life as the person I truly am.  You know, the usual.

For my entire life I've known there was something different with me.  As a small child, I wanted to have babies.  Loved my stuffed animals, too, and had all kinds of play appliances to "help" Mom clean with.

Would love to play house with the girls, rather than football with the boys.  It was just more fun!  And even when playing with the boys, we'd play things like rescuing the princess from the dragon... and, well, someone had to be the princess, right?

And that felt so amazingly good, in ways that I couldn't even describe at the time.  Not sexual, just.... right.

I've never been muscular, and have never *wanted* to be muscular.  Never gotten along with boys well at all.  I just don't seem to speak the language.

At 14 I remember trying *really hard* to get my breasts to grow by focusing my mind on them.  Didn't work, much to my chagrin.  Still didn't really know what was going on.

Somewhere around 18 I figured it out - I was transgendered.  Now, what to do!  And that quickly fell into.... nothing.  Time and time again I'd tell myself "I'll transition after this happens, or that happens."  It's damaged relationships, caused headaches.

Only recently did I realize that many of my close guy-friendships were probably closer to boyfriend/girlfriend relationships than anything.  That's an interesting realization, lemme tell you!

I'm happy about one thing - I've come to the realization that I'm a girl.  I may be taking the remedial classes, but that's okay, I'm fine with that.  But at least that little peace has come to me.  No more fighting or denying it.

It's the next steps that scare me.  To start with.... posting here.  The first public acknowledgement.  It's a bit scary, to say the least.

I'd like to see a therapist, to help make some sense of what's going on in my mind.

My single biggest fear is that anything I do just threates to open the floodgates - and once they're open, they may not close back up.  Worse yet, I may not want them to.  Each step feels like it's one potential step off of a precipice, from which I will not be able to scramble back up.  Sometimes I avoid "femme-y" things just out of that fear - not that it's too femme for me, but I'm afraid it will just accelerate everything.

I would love to try E, to see the effect it would have on me.  That takes therapy.  I have to look into that.

Interestingly enough, I do think that my parents would be unsurprised.  I worked with a relatively famous transgendered gal when she came out, and we discussed it a bit.  My father's response was "Just don't tell me until after it's over."  I thought that was an interesting, honest response for him.

I wouldn't change this at all.  If someone offered me a pill to make me "normal", I'd tell them to keep it.  If they offered me one to transform me instantly, I'd take it in a heartbeat.  I'm tired of denying myself, or rationalizing it away.

My biggest regrets are not taking advantage of a few opportunities when I was younger to perhaps look into therapy/treatment.  especially when I look at pictures of myself when I was younger, compared to the damage since.  That makes me sad.

So.... anyway.....  that's about that   Pretty typical tale, I'm sure, and thanks for reading as much as you did without nodding off!

(Oh, and I've read all of the rules, etc.  Thanks, though )

Katie

Hi TallKatie,

I use a large font because half of us seem to be blind, me included.

There is a pill that will make you 'normal'.  Ok it is our kind of normal and it is estrogen.  It best thing you can do for yourself is to seek therapy.  Find a gender identity therapist and go.  You dont have to commit to anything, but you do need to look into yourself and your feeling.  This wont go away as you know.  It may wax and wane, but it is always be there.

I went to a gender therapist about a year ago, looking for someone to make me 'normal', i.e. a man.  And that was more for my wife than for me, but I still hated the 'demon', as I called it.  He told me that if my wife would allow it, I should attend a support group for cross dressers.  I knew that would never happen, as my wife saw it as a phase and that I need to step up and just be a man.

After many fights and a lot of yelling, we separated and I went back to that therapist and he told me that he knew that I would be back.  When I asked why, he said that when he met me before it was obvious that I was Transsexual.  That was Five months ago, and I am in the fourth month of HRT.  I could never be happier.  And the other thing that you can do for yourself is a support group.  You have us now, but find a group where you can go and be the real you.

Sorry for the long reply, but when newbie join I tend to run on, because this is so important that they need to start off right.   Therapy.  It is a must for many reasons but the most important one is it will help you find yourself.  Whether you go on and transition or just CD.  Therapy opens doors, you just need to step thru.

Welcome to our little family.  Feel free to post your successes/failures, Hopes/dreams.  Ask questions and seek answers.  Give and receive advice.

But remember we are family here, your family now.  And it is always nice to have another member.

And don't be afraid of the dark, it wont hurt you.  I don't let it hurt my friends.  It knows it's Mistress.

Mistress Janet

Hi, Katie, welcome to Susan's.

You've been lurking for awhile, haven't you?   And paying attention to a number of the threads. Including the introductions where you don't really want the canned response we often if not always give newbs.

Yep, you've covered the ground pretty well!!  

Sometimes to get one's feet wet is to go swimming the distance, all the way down river to the sea. So that hesitation of yours I can understand.

But if you're ready to transition, then perhaps "getting your feet wet" is the only thing left you?

No one is gonna be able to give you "a foolproof guide to transitioning as painlessly and as little disturbing to others as is humanly possible." That would certainly be nice!!

And often once we start the end is our end in this plane anyhow. So, prepare yourself to go the distance before you take step one. Also prepare yourself to have a tremendous amount of internal pain is you don't at least make the attempt to fulfill your needs.

Anyhow, greetings and glad you've finally joined. I imagine you'll be a great addition to the group here, so welcome.

So, now the canned part: sorry, unavoidable.

Please take some time to read The Site Rules and on The Main Page you can discover Links, Chat and Wiki for your use as well. You might also want to go to the "Announcements" section and read the two posts "Post Ranks" and "Reputation Rules" to help you with some knowledge about when you can apply your own avatars, PM, and what those lil stars mean beneath all of our names and how to get them for yourself as well!!

Nichole

Hello Katie and welcome to Susan's!

Thanks so much for introducing yourself.  Please take a few moments to get familiar with all the boards of the site, review the site rules before posting, and take advantage of our many resources such as the wiki, chat, and the links listed at the main page.  We look forward to your future posts and participation.  Enjoy your stay

tink

Welcome TallKatie,

I'm Amrisa. I'm also just starting out but a bit farther than you are. Let me tell you that going to a support group and seeing a gender therapist are the best things you can do for your self. It did for me. I haven't started hormones yet, or told anyone( except for my grandmother) What you just did is a big step in coming to your true self. This site has a list of gender therapist in the wicki section.

Hi Katie,

You are middle aged and I am just a bit older but not quite an old lady I think.  We are all on the same path just have different roads.  I know how you feel because the older we are the more this means to us.

No one has all the answers but it is so nice to hear all the different stories.  The young people are so fortunate to find themselves early in life.  That wasnt possible when I was younger.

Lots of good wishes to you.

Luv ronda

Hi Katie and welcome to the site. Thank you for sharing.

Gennee

Hi Katie

A hug and warm welcome to you hun