Mental State after SRS

[pamshaw]

I am on HRT (I am loving the way I feel) and am looking forward to the day when I can replace my male parts with the proper female parts. I have always hated my male parts and pray for them to be gone because I have always felt very uneasy and afraid because they don't belong. Will I be mentally relieved after SRS and be able to live without fear? I am more interested in the mental relief as the physical relief will be fine with modern surgeries. I am small bones and will be totally passable when I finish electrolysis. I just want to be completely free of maleness and not feel uneasy and fearful all the time.

Pam

[Mnemosyne]

SRS is not a magic bullet. You may feel better about having it done but other issues can crop up. Research wise it appears that having surgery does relieve the symptoms of other diagnosis that might be related to GID.

It is different for everyone, YMMV.

Personally for me I transitioned some time ago mentally and the surgery was just the final thing to be done. My life is no worse than what it was before and I will admit that things are better for me now but that is due to the fact that I am surrounded by some really wonderful people.

[sarahb]

Like Mnemosyne said, it's different for everyone how they react after the surgery. However, you seem to be extremely uncomfortable with your male parts so I wouldn't doubt that a sense of freedom and happiness will follow now knowing that you have a sense of "normalcy" with how you feel and how you look.

Sorry to interrupt the conversation, but I've been wondering for the longest time...what does YMMV stand for?

[Mnemosyne]

Your mileage may vary

Yugos move more volks

Yesterday mopers might valium

OK, the first one is what is usually stands for but an imagination can sometimes doom the world.

[gothique11]

I think it affects most people in a positive way -- but that doesn't mean that I still don't have regular life issues, or sometimes think about my voice or the way I look, etc. I know people who have amazing voices, look amazing (FFS or not), and still think about those things from time to time. And then, when you first get out of SRS and look down, you're going to think you got a franken-pussy. It will take time to heal, and it will look better as time goes by. The longest thing to heal will probably be the scars, and I know a few women who are self-conscious of that. And then come the typical girlie image issues about weight, etc.

So, yes, SRS affects you in a positive way; but on the other hand, it won't make your self-image problems magically disappear. Only you can decide if SRS is right for you. As for myself, I'm very happy with it and I feel better now that I've had it, but I still get self-image problems from time to time like anyone else.

--natalie

[Northern Jane]

I was 24 and highly suicidal before SRS became available. I had live my teens part time en femme and BEING physically female was the only gate to the rest of my life - everything else led to death!

When I woke up the afternoon after my surgery I was still doped up but I looked under the blankets, saw the bandages, and had the best sleep I had ever had.

I didn't know where I was going, who I would become, or what life had in store but I knew I was free and, for the first time I was "unified" and I  was ready to grab life and wring all the joy out of it that I could. Now, 34 years later, I am still having a BLAST!

So, for me, surgery was a relief, the escape from Auschwitz!

[pamshaw]

Thanks everyone for your input. I know my fear and uneasyness is related to my mental distress over my male parts. I know I am truely female and my HRT is doing wonders as I relax into my femine self. My male parts are foreign to my being and I will likely remain scared and uncomfortable until they are gone. I will no longer have to worry about police, restrooms or airport check points. I know it will be wonderful to stand naked in the womans shower room and look like everyone else. I dream about it every day.


Pam

[Valentina]

How about "mental state weeks before GRS"? 

[Northern Jane]

How about "mental state weeks before GRS"? 

Now THAT was a fish of a different colour! 

I had been highly suicidal for months before word of Dr. Biber's practice reached me. When I talked to Dr. Biber and he agreed to take my case I sold everything I owned in the world and told my mother I was suicidal and HAD to do this or die - she said it would be better if I died - so I walked out and was told NEVER to come back.

I had to get to Colorado and was going to take the bus from Canada to Detroit and then take the train but U.S. Customs turned me back at the border because I only had a hundred or so dollars in my wallet - I was not going to tell some Customs flunky that I had thousands of dollars in my socks! So I returned to Canada and rented an apartment.

The next day I flew out of Toronto for Denver without a problem - except for a major blizzard that moved in and shut down Denver airport (and everything east of the Rocky Mountains!) while we were in the air! After being diverted to New Mexico we eventually made it to Denver later that night.

When I got to the bus depot I found out that the roads were all closed because of the storm so I settled in to sleep for awhile. About midnight the southbound bus (that was supposed to leave 4 hours earlier) arrived. The driver said that the road was closed and there were 35 foot drifts in the mountains but that he was going to try to get through anyway, and not to worry, the buss had enough fuel to stay warm for seven days! LOL! Good enough for me! As long as I was headed for Trinidad! I went to sleep on the bus and didn't wake up until morning.

When I opened my eyes in the morning, the sun was just rising and shining on the mountain peaks - the most beautiful sight I had ever seen! Shortly after, the driver announced "Next stop,  Trinidad."

What was my mental state up to that point? Sheer, utter, dogged DETERMINATION! Come hell or high water, I was GOING to get to Trinidad. It didn't matter if i had to swim the river into the U.S. and walk all the way to Trinidad, I was going to get there.

The last hurdle was the meeting with Dr. Biber and I was seriously SCARED! I had given up everything in life to get there but in those days, the doctor had to figure you were passable before they would do surgery. If he had said no, that would have been the end of the line - my body would have been buried somewhere in Trinidad. After no more than 10 minutes with the good doctor, he told me to check in to the hospital and all I felt at that point was relief - I had made it. It didn't matter what lay ahead but the important part was that my previous life was over.

[Ms.Behavin]

HA HA.  Pre GRS, you'll get fixated on all the little things that could go wrong that will prevent you from getting the surgery,  You'll also worry about complications following surgery.  Ask me how I know.  But 99% of the time there are not any major problems.  Me I was like a 5 year waiting for christmas.  is it here yet.  Lordy everyday for the four months from the time I scheduled surgery to  the day of was like the week before christmas.  But it comes and happens so fast too.

Enjoy the Ride

Beni

[cindybc]

Hi, Northern Jane, 34 years ago, eh? "Wow!"

Looking back I know that I had the experience of the GID syndrome even all the way back to childhood. But problem was that back then there was little or no information about transsexuality; gay people and transvestites yes. But after hearing what someone would do to a transvestite if they ever ran across one, I certainly wasn't about to make a public announcement about my problem.

I was totally in the dark back then on the subject of transexuality although I fantasized being a girl back then. In 1962 I was residing in a hippie commune where I lived for 2 years and I passed quite well as a girl but that was as close as it came for me.

!974, well now, have you ever heard of Canary Conn?  Her former name was Danny O'Connor and she was a musician who had at least one album released under that name before she became Canary Conn.  I used her as my inspiration during my transitional years. She had already done her transition around the mid 60's. I believe it was in the mid part of the 1970's that she finally had her surgery somewhere in Mexico.She is certainly one of the pioneers of our time.

Cindy     

[Northern Jane]

Hi, Northern Jane, 34 years ago, eh? "Wow!"

Yea, WOW! It seems incredible to me now, how I survived. Odds were against it.

...have you ever heard of Canary Conn? 

I heard of her much later but back then I only knew of Christine Jorgensen and Jan Morris and even then information was very sparse.

[cindybc]

Northern Jane , I have heard of Christine Jorgensen, but of course she came, out I believe it was in 1952. I was 7 years old then. How unfortunate that I heard some folks express what they would like to do to someone like Christine if they ran into them. So even back then I knew that I wanted to be a girl but most certainly had no desire to talk about it to any one. It would continue to be looked as a "dirty little secret,"  like I was committing a mortal sin, especially after playing dress up.

Anyway I didn't really make any connections with Christine and what I might be. Yes, she was a very popular girl for a time and it was at the very least opening a door just wide enough for folks to see the sunlight beyond the doorway. The first education for the general public, a sneak preview so to speak, into gender identity dysphoria.

Canary Conn, 1968...  During the time Canary would have been transitioning I was living in New York at the height of the hippie movement and I was part of it. Yes, she didn't  make as big a splash as Christine Jorgensen did, on the other hand was not that well-known except for her short stint as a musician in her former life. Yes, she mostly kept a low profile during her transitional years. But she did manage to publish a book of her story.

In the book it mentioned that she went back to her home town to stay with her mom and no one recognised who she was. It was such an emotional book, I really lost track of how many times I wished I could meet her in person, just to give her a big hug. I tore out a page that contained a photo of her on it, and I taped it to the wall above my computer monitor. She was my inspiration. I was 54 then, I am now 62 and have been living as the true me, whom I have always wanted to be, for the past 8 years After all those years of being denied living my true self it is such a blessing.

Cindy   

[Northern Jane]

Northern Jane , I have heard of Christine Jorgensen, but of course she came, out I believe it was in 1952. I was 7 years old then.

If that was the year, then I was only 3 LOL! I didn't even know I had a problem until I was 8 (1957) - that was when it finally dawned on me that I was not just a normal girl. I remembered hearing the adults talk about Christine but information (news reports, etc.) did not seem to get filed in the library.

So even back then I knew that I wanted to be a girl but most certainly had no desire to talk about it to any one.

By age 14 I HAD to! I was going @$#% NUTS and puberty was divided, 50/50, and half of it was an affront to my soul. I pushed as far as I could push without being committed to an asylum.

... at the very least opening a door just wide enough for folks to see the sunlight beyond the doorway. The first education for the general public, a sneak preview so to speak, into gender identity dysphoria.

The real crack in the wall came with (Dr.) Harry Bejamin - that was the fist shred of "legitimacy" for what later became GID and his phrase "complete psycho-sexual inversion" suited me to a T!

In the book it mentioned that she went back to her home town to stay with her mom and no one recognised who she was.

LOL! I returned to my hometown briefly some 10 years post-op with my husband and gave him the tour of the small town. I was tall, slender, (in other people's opinion) quite good looking and more "classy" than is normal for a small rural town so I turned a lot of heads. I took great pleasure in hearing the whispers "Who IS that??!! What is she doing here?". Not a single person twigged and since my mother had disowned me as a "freak" I knew she would never tell 

I am now 62 and have been living as the true me, whom I have always wanted to be, for the past 8 years After all those years of being denied living my true self it is such a blessing.

I am glad you found your way home! It SHOULD be every person's birthright, to BE themselves!

[cindybc]

Hi, Northern Jane, I do so agree with you. It takes lots of guts to fully come into ourselves, after the last part that is as far as where science can make make it possible. The end result is becoming the person you need to be, which is simply to be a woman. The journey through this dang process is scary enough of an experience that it is such a great relief when one knows it is done and they can now begin their new lives. 

I guess I jumped ahead a bit, you are right, little was known about the phenomenon of transsexuality back then and yes, all that the public got to see is the result of GID but no knowledge of the nature of this phenomenon. I call it a phenomenon for lack of a better description. 

The real crack in the wall came with (Dr.) Harry Benjamin - that was the fist shred of "legitimacy" for what later became GID

Desperation?  Yes, one could call it that. After waiting for 54 years I could have qualified as a good candidate to dance the bug house blues.  @#$%!  It took 52 years before I even heard of the word transsexual and what it meant. Yeah, I lost everything too, a piece of property that I had inherited from my parents worth $200,000.  My ex, whom I was glad to lose, but losing the three children was like a mortal wound that was soul deep, even though I did reunite with them 10 years later after moving to the home town they were living in with the ex. They knew about me before they left for college and they were OK with it.

As for going back to the home town I was raised in, sounds like an interesting idea but I think it will have to wait a while before that becomes a possibility. Well I did take Wing Walker there about three years ago but we didn't go right into the town itself. I went and showed her the homestead where I had been raised, then we went to visit a couple of friends on the reservation who were like an extended family I had lived with for a time after I left the homestead.

Cindy       

[Angel_Mapper]

One of my first thoughts after waking up (after "Where the hell am I") was "Well jeesh, that's finally over with.  Now get me out of this freaking hospital, I'm falling behind on my personal projects. "

[cindybc]

Hi Angel, "hee, hee, hee." I do understand about the restlessness. Gee I can't sit still for five minutes unless I am quite absorbed with something on the web, or sick in bed and that can't even keep me down for long.

I do have lots of friends, both out there and on the web and I do my best everyday to respond to all of them. But I do enjoy walking a few blocks everyday especially when it's nice and sunny out there, if not I do my exercise indoors. I do volunteer work out of two places, so I keep busy, I sometimes get bored and pout some like a little kid to get Wing Walkers attention, and this ploy usually works, but goodness, can I get fidgety when sitting around doing nothing, mom use to ask me if I had ants in my pants. My mate Wing Walker is a wonderful warm hearted person and we will often just go for Tim Horton's coffee just for a drive around some and shoot the bull to pass the time.  We share the chores between the two of us, and she looks after the paper work, which I "hate!!!" doing. Most times I love being mischevious, it's fun. 

And yea I suffered for those three days in bed. But the reward or gift I received in exchange was worth the price I paid **literaly**. I am usually of an upbeat disposition and an cheerful personality so that even when not well, it doesn't keep me down for long. Maybe it's  my attitude towards things and circumstances that enables me to self heal from both physical and psychological challenges much quicker.

Old Hippies never die, they just smell that way.

Cindy

[Kate]

One of my first thoughts after waking up (after "Where the hell am I") was "Well jeesh, that's finally over with.  Now get me out of this freaking hospital, I'm falling behind on my personal projects. "

LOL, my very first thought was trying to feel my leg to see if it hurt... scared they had to do a graft (I'd been warned I was in the "gray area").

Oh, and no... I didn't need one, but he said it was a very close call.

~ Katie Marie ~

[Angel_Mapper]

And yea I suffered for those three days in bed.

3 days?  Oh god I wouldn't even have been able to sit up straight much less get out of the hospital.    Suporn's patients have to stay in the hospital for a week.