Hey all, sorry for the necro, I guess I just feel it's better than starting the same topic back up again, maybe?
It's just I feel like I want to get the answer to this off my chest and somewhere.
So uh, well anyways, it's hard to say. I've never felt had any moments in childhood like so many people said they did when I denied my physical sex and pronouns, because thats what was said I am and I physically saw it true. Mostly I just felt I wasnt really a girl like the other girls, that I was different. I didnt have a lot of friends, and I had female friends by circumstance, but I would always naturally gravitate towards masculine concepts in society and ideals, and away from things perceived female. This process was gradual since I'd been raised on things like dolls, dresses, and the like, only to naturally steer clear of that as time went on and I gained some recognition of what those things typically presented.
I knew I was a girl of course, because that's just how it was. I didnt think of my gender much though, I was more typically agender back then, I felt male but I didnt quite rely too much on what being a girl meant internally as externally, as the description of myself as a girl was kind of just there, but I didnt feel either of those things. I clearly wasn't a male, and I clearly wasn't female. I don't recall who or what decided on it, maybe after my rejection of feminine clothing, but I quickly earned the title tomboy. And that's what I was most of my life. I didnt quite like the word, but I liked what it implied, that I wasn't quite a girl the way I should be, and yeah even though a lot of tomboys exist and it's silly to think it's some outlier, I still preferred it. I always saw myself in the role of female characters written intentionally masculinely and I loved it. When I began writing I did briefly write as a first person male, but convinced myself it was because as a writer one should learn to write a character that isn't yourself, so as to avoid any judgement I was worried about (while this is true, I cant help but wonder if I just used that as an excuse to repress the idea that I could write a male protagonist from personal experience) For a long time when I was younger online I socially put forth as female, intentionally forcing and asserting my gender to show that despite my attitude and mindset I was a 'girl but not a girl, a different kind of girl'
I guess fast forward to puberty. I actually didnt think much on it at all, as if I never expected it to happen. But suddenly it did and my body felt weirder to me than ever. When my breasts started growing in, I disliked it. It felt very uncomfortable. Over time though I wanted to have some semblance of being 'normal', so despite having a small chest size I wished they were bigger at one point. Only later did I realize (around high school) that it was silly to want something 'normal' that I didnt even want at all. Same goes for the period...I never wanted one and hoped I never would get it, only to realize as I was starting to come of age that it wasn't 'normal' and got paranoid that if I didnt develop right I'd have to go to the doctor and get invasive tests. I eventually did get it, and soon enough wanted it gone again.
Right around high school I started learning about sexuality and gender. I lived a sheltered life and didnt even know what gays were, and I had a vague to absent understanding of transgenders. In high school is when I stumbled upon a webcomic, which featured a character who was initially shown as male, but later shown physically female. This clicked with me so much, I saw myself as the character and it was the closest semblance to feeling like a character I had.
As time wore on I learned more about gender stuff, there's a creative phenomenon called 'genderbending' (or -swapping) in which you make an opposite gendered version of said character, same character and everything, just simply a different gender. This fascinated me because I realized one could be the same exact person, but the only difference is that you're chromosomally/hormonally not the same. I started imagining myself as male, being sexually attracted to the idea of a male version of myself, and feeling better with the idea of being male. When I learned about what trans people were, not so long ago, I was a distant bystander at first but asked myself "I'm not transgender...I'm just a girl who is masculine. Am I transgender?" I wanted to not lump myself in a category of people I didnt understand and if it turned out not to be true, that I wasn't, that I'm just some poser, that I have my mindset wrong. But the allure of it pulled me further in and I began to say I was male by gender but not by sex. (I felt like it was important to differentiate such, because I was not physically male even if I preferred it and didnt want to fool people). When I first referred to myself as male there was a surge of good feeling, that I didnt have to say I wasnt, that at least to myself I could say I was.
To this day I feel like maybe I'm wrong, I'm uncomfortable in my secondary sex traits most times but maybe I just have to accept it. It is what it is.
Of course, when I learned trans people could get hormones and surgery to present more as male, I realized this is something I would want, If I had the choice to I would. And it seems I do. So that's where I'm at
