I don't know what else I can say

[ConfusedMichelle]

This has been really eating at me for a while now.  I've always said I'd make a post on Susan's, but I know you guys don't want to hear my relationship problems.  I handled it myself for a while, but now I just really need some outside help and advice. PLEASE read all of this and give me your best input, I'm desperate.

So, my boyfriend has been gone all summer.  He won't be back until October 2nd, which is driving me nuts.  Now, before I tell you what's wrong, allow me to rewind a little bit.

During the spring, there would be times where I just felt like I was putting EVERY thing into the relationship and holding it together.  If I mentioned it a little bit to him, he would joke around and say "It's because I'm the b**ch, you are the guy in this relationship."  Finally, It got to me and I sat him down and said "Look, I need you to put more into this.  I feel like I'm trying my hardest and you aren't giving me anything in return.  I'm happy to 'be the man' and treat you like the little princess you are, but I need some positive feedback to remind me why I do those things."  I've had to have that talk with him at least twice.  After the talk, he is always back to the way I like things to be, for a while anyway.

Since he's been gone, really the only communication we have is the phone, whether it be texting or actual conversation.  It was fine at first, but in June or early July, he got to the point where he didn't text as much or call.  It's as if I wanted to talk to him, I had to call him, he never was the one to dial my number. Half the time, he didn't even answer.  It's not like I wanted t have long conversations, but I just wanted to say Good Morning, see if he was having a good day, etc.  After a while, I finally had to tell him that I was sick of always trying talk to him with no response, and said "From now on, if you want to talk to me, I'll be waiting."  Apparently that worked...for a while.

Okay, my current problem is a little bit more serious than me just wanting to chat and him not being there for me.  My boyfriend goes out with his friends, a LOT.  He goes to gay clubs every weekend, drinks, enters in "shirtless" dance contest, and dances in cages.  As much as I don't want him to do those things, I trust him but there's a catch.  When I know he is going out, I say "Babe, promise me you will call me as soon as you get home okay?" because I HAVE to know he made it home safe.  If I don't, I can't sleep.  He used to be really good about it and now, when he "promises" he'll call, I'll wake up a million times around 5 AM, 6 AM wondering where he is.  I'll call him, no answer.  So, here I am worried.  Then around 11 AM he'll send a text "Morning darlin.  Sorry I didn't text you last night, Going to work, muah." Or something.

I'm sorry this is so long but it's stuff I need to get off my chest.  I want to explain to him that it's not fair to keep me up worrying all night just because he didn't take 30 second out of his "busy" schedule to call me and tell me he made it home okay.  Plus, since I trust him to do those naked contests and what not, I like to hear from him to hear that he came home ALONE.  I don't know how what else I can say to him to make him as committed to this relationship as I am.  It's no longer "Oh, he doesn't answer when I want to chat."  It's now "He doesn't call when he say he will, and I won't hear from him from hours at a time."  Sometimes, I'll go 24 hours without hearing from him because he "left his phone at home," which I believe to be true, but I would NEVER forget my phone because I would be expecting a call for him.

Just last night, while he was at work, this was our conversation, taken straight from my phone.

Me : Hey are you still at work?
TJ : Yeah
Me : Oh okay, well are you going out tonight?
TJ : Not that I know of.
Me : What time do you get off?
TJ  : 11
Me : Okay, well I'm going out to eat with Andy and Tara. They invited me to go out tonight, but I'd rather just come home and have a good conversation with you.
TJ : Go be social silly, I don't mind.
Me : No really, I really miss you and I'd much rather talk to you.
Me : So, yes?

*about 45 minutes later*
TJ : I don't feel good baby
Me : Aww are you okay?
TJ : To be honest, no.
Me : Is it your tummy or?
TJ : Head and neck.
Me : Well, I'm going to come home and sing you to sleep okay (something I do, when he can't sleep I sing to him and he's out in 2 seconds)
TJ : No it's okay. Really, go have fun.
Me : Okay well I love you so much and if you can't sleep or something call me and I'll come right home and talk to you until you go to sleep okay?
*no response*
Me : I'll call you when I get home, if you don't answer I'll just leave you a voicemail. Please, please feel better.  I love you.
*No response*

When I got home, he didn't answer his phone (of course) so I left him a sweet voice mail and told him to call me or text me in the morning before he went to work to let me know if he feels better because I was worried about him.  It's 11:30 AM his time,  I haven't got a damn text or call from him.  My paranoid side wonders if he faked sick so he could go out and not go home and talk to his boring ol' boyfriend.

It's just not fair to me. Am I wrong to be upset? How would you feel? Am I right about this?  How do I get him to "shape up?"  I've considered break up over this many times before...If I thought I could get by without him, I would do it but I don't think I can.  I'm just sick of busting my a** to talk to him when he doesn't give a sh** about talking to me.

[PolarBear]

Hey Brady,

sounds like a lot is going on in your relationship.
As I read it, you and your boyfriend have different ideas on how a relationship should be. He wants a friend/mate/guy to take care of him/guy to have fun with him, you want a mate/friend/someone to snuggle with/someone to take care of/someone to have a deep connection with.
Please tell me if I'm wrong okay

I think it would be a good idea to talk to him about this. Preferably face-to-face, if that can be arranged. Tell him how you feel and what you want out of the relationship, and ask him for his feelings and thoughts. Do you think he would be open to that or would he make the conversation into a joke or try to get out of it?

And, maybe it would be good for you to think on what you want to find in a relationship in general. What is it that you need and want from a partner? Partying all night? A house with a white picket fence? Someone to call every night to talk about your day? Well, you get the idea.

Most of all, though, I wanted to really let you know that you can make it without him. Of course you would miss him in the beginning, but you can have a fulfilling life without a partner.
If you think you can't, you really need to re-examine your feelings of self-worth and confidence. That's not meant as harsh as it might seem, really. It's just that when people say they can't live without another, alarm bells start ringing in my head. If you can't be happy with yourself, you might want to work on that.

Dear Brady, I don't know the truth in this situation. I only hope you will keep your head high and stay true to yourself.


Good luck,
PolarBear

[Elwood]

Because I'm a prick with trust issues, I would not date a guy who lives the "single lifestyle" when he's away. Being sexy with other guys is intimate, and in my book is pretty close to cheating.

This is probably one of the reasons I'm still single.

[ConfusedMichelle]

PolarBear,  your response helped me a lot.  I am def. going to have a talk with him as soon as I can about what I want.  As for what I want, I want what we used to have.  We used to have this deep connection, which we still do, but I see it fading. I do believe that we are soul mates.  It's just like he's taking advantage of what we have.

As for breaking up,  I think if I could learn to live without him it would take MUCH stress off of me.  I love him so much that I don't mind dealing with the stress, when the relationship is strong. Being with him is tearing me apart from my family and friends (I pretty much don't have many, he's my best friend), not to mention school and career.  I got accepted into my dream school in NYC with $24,000 in scholarship but didn't go because he wouldn't be able to live with me there.  Long story short, I just sacrifice a LOT for him and I think I deserve more appreciation.

Because I'm a prick with trust issues, I would not date a guy who lives the "single lifestyle" when he's away. Being sexy with other guys is intimate, and in my book is pretty close to cheating.

This is probably one of the reasons I'm still single.

He goes out with all of his lesbian friends and his gay friend and his gay friend's boyfriend.  He swears that they all "keep the guys off of him." I sure hope so.

[icontact]

I'd say it's time to seriously consider taking a break. You've already brought the issue up twice, and he still isn't improving. There's not much else you can do, and you don't deserve to keep trying and trying and get nothing in return. I've been in a similar situation, and it is so hard to let go, at least on the outside, and in the beginning it'll be worse than putting up with their BS but sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do.

-hugs-

[ConfusedMichelle]

I'd say it's time to seriously consider taking a break. You've already brought the issue up twice, and he still isn't improving. There's not much else you can do, and you don't deserve to keep trying and trying and get nothing in return. I've been in a similar situation, and it is so hard to let go, at least on the outside, and in the beginning it'll be worse than putting up with their BS but sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do.

-hugs-

I actually did break up with him a couple of weeks ago, and in the two days that we were broken up, he talked to me more than ever.  We decided that we talked so much because we were both paranoid that the other one was talking to another guy.  After the break up, we were VERY tight until now.

I know this shouldn't matter, but he has a MySpace (of course) but I don't.  I'm not sure if he knows that I know he has it, but it always said "In a Relationship."  The day we broke up it switched to Single.  He still hasn't changed it back...   I know that's dumb but it's just one of those little things that count.

[icontact]

You guys got back together after two days? Why?

[PolarBear]

Mind you, I am not saying you should break up, I just say that you shouldn't not break up because you think you cannot manage without him.

[ConfusedMichelle]

You guys got back together after two days? Why?

We just couldn't stand not being committed. It's completely out of our comfort zone. 

[icontact]

Explain to him that part of being committed is being committed to keep in touch and all those little things.

[Arch]

Baby, listen to me. This might be unpleasant. I don't want it to be. Take a step back, take a deep breath, and clear your mind.

You are currently in a long-distance relationship. That is hard to handle, even for people who are much older and more experienced than you are. The dynamic of an LDR can be extremely complex. That's one thing.

He knows that he can't be with you right now, and you know that you can't be with him. That puts an ENORMOUS amount of strain on any relationship. Next, you appear to have some kind of monogamy agreement. If you're not physically together and you can't "see" other people, well, for some folks that starts feeling like a cage. Not that he necessarily WANTS to see other people, but he just might want the freedom of knowing that he CAN if he chooses--and the relief of knowing that you are okay with that, that you understand, that you really do trust him.

Your texting can sometimes be a reminder that he is caught in a bind and that you have certain expectations of him. He has the responsibility of staying "true" to you but none of the fringe benefits.

That can be hard to take.

I got accepted into my dream school in NYC with $24,000 in scholarship but didn't go because he wouldn't be able to live with me there.  Long story short, I just sacrifice a LOT for him and I think I deserve more appreciation.

That was a huge sacrifice. It must have taken serious guts. But whatever you do, I hope you don't EVER remind him of it or throw it in his face. Some guys won't mind being reminded. A lot will. But from one perspective, you made the choice to give up NYC because you were willing to chance it with him. Life has no guarantees, right? Don't fall into thinking that you deserve appreciation or respect BECAUSE you willingly gave up something you wanted so that you could have a chance at something that you obviously wanted even more. He should treat you with respect because that is the way to treat people we care about, not because you gave something up. Sacrifice is tricky. Do you look at it as a sacrifice or as a choice that you made with your eyes open, no guarantees?

This is a hard thing to be going through at your age. Maybe--and this is JUST A SUGGESTION--maybe it's time to say, "I love you, but I don't want you to feel trapped or burdened. Do I need to back off? Maybe it's time for a fresh approach. Let's talk this out and see where we are."

I think that a face-to-face meeting would probably be a very good thing at this point, but please be careful. Don't push too hard, don't--and I'm sure you'll hate this word--don't come across as clingy. That's a sure way to drive a lot of guys away. Maybe not your guy, but I don't know.

I'm sorry if I'm off the mark or if I sound harsh. I want this relationship to succeed--more than you know.

Think about it.

Love ya.

P.S. He might not realize why he's reacting the way he is. It's not necessarily conscious or meant to hurt you.

[trapthavok]

Because I'm a prick with trust issues, I would not date a guy who lives the "single lifestyle" when he's away. Being sexy with other guys is intimate, and in my book is pretty close to cheating.

This is probably one of the reasons I'm still single.

Haha, same here. I couldn't date someone who still acted that way because I'm uber jealous and uber paranoid. That's why I'm still single.

Brady, I'm gonna go with what Polar Bear said here. You two need to have a serious, face to face discussion and sort out what's going on between the two of you. Don't make up your mind about anything until you do so, try to go in with an open heart. Tell him how you feel, especially about not liking his single lifestyle, I feel like that's really important to you.

I DO want you to go in with an open heart but I also want you to be prepared for anything. I learned something from a movie once that was actually a good, inspiring life message and has helped me keep or set free the people in my life.

"If somebody wants to walk out of your life, let - them - go!"

"Some people are meant to come into your life for a lifetime, some for only a season and you got to know which is which. And you're always messing up when you mix those seasonal people up with lifetime expectations.

I put everybody that comes into my life in the category of a tree. Some people are like leaves on a tree. When the wind blows, they're over there... wind blow that way they over here... they're unstable. When the seasons change they wither and die, they're gone. That's alright. Most people are like that, they're not there to do anything but take from the tree and give shade every now and then. That's all they can do. But don't get mad at people like that, that's who they are. That's all they were put on this earth to be. A leaf.

Some people are like a branch on that tree. You have to be careful with those branches too, cause they'll fool you. They'll make you think they're a good friend and they're real strong but the minute you step out there on them, they'll break and leave you high and dry.

But if you find 2 or 3 people in your life that's like the roots at the bottom of that tree you are blessed. Those are the kind of people that aren't going nowhere. They aren't worried about being seen, nobody has to know that they know you, they don't have to know what they're doing for you but if those roots weren't there, that tree couldn't live.

A tree could have a hundred million branches but it only takes a few roots down at the bottom to make sure that tree gets everything it needs. When you get some roots, hold on to them but the rest of it... just let it go. Let folks go."  -- Tyler Perry, "Madea Goes to Jail"

That saying up there has gotten me through a lot. I've had a lot of 'leaves' in my life that I've tried to hold onto for dear life because I had no one else. I feel like what TP said up there is true, you have to figure out who your leaves are and who are your roots. I finally learned to let one of my closest friends go just a few months ago because she was almost similar to your boyfriend. She never called to talk, never called to hang out, never called just to say hi and I rarely ever saw her. I was very concerned for her because she was still hanging out with people from high school who are bad for her because they do nothing but hurt her and use her. But she chose them over me, or rather she chose her family over me. She was my only friend for a long time and it hurt to let her go, but I realize now that she was a leaf and she was holding me back. Because I was so fixated on just her, I couldn't grow and branch out to make new friends, and now I have and I'm so happy, and I was only able to move on with my life when I was able to discern whether she was a leaf, branch or root. I always thought she was a root, but I was wrong and I'm okay with that.

What I'm trying to say is be prepared no matter what happens with your boyfriend. You may think he's your soulmate because you can't see yourself loving anyone more than you may love him. But you have to try and rationalize this. Is he really a root? Or could he just be a branch, and it's almost time for him to make his way out of your life to make room for the guy you've really been waiting for? When you're in love it's hard to tell, but sometimes your dream guy is waiting just around the corner for you to get past mr temporary and be with him.

Go into your discussion and be prepared to love him, or break up for a time. Have sometime to think for yourself too afterward.

[Elwood]

Because I'm a prick with trust issues, I would not date a guy who lives the "single lifestyle" when he's away. Being sexy with other guys is intimate, and in my book is pretty close to cheating.

This is probably one of the reasons I'm still single.

Haha, same here. I couldn't date someone who still acted that way because I'm uber jealous and uber paranoid. That's why I'm still single.

That's me in a nutshell. That and I can't even hug somebody without being outed.

I was talking to this girl, and she knows I'm trans. Well, she said, "What are you worried about? You have no boobs!" Later that day we hugged and she said, "Oh, nevermind. I could feel your boobs." I didn't feel bad. In fact, I thanked her. "That's good information to know," I said. If I was oblivious to my own chest, I'd be getting outed all the time.

[ConfusedMichelle]

Thanks everyone

As for clinginess, I've often asked him if I'm too clingy.  He says no every time.  See, we used to be so stuck to each other.  I don't think I've grown more stuck on him, he's just strayed away.  He used to be the same toward me.

As for trusting him, I'm not sure I do.  I know I tell myself that I do.  But I think I force myself to because I don't want to feel possessive.

Nate, I'm not sure what he is.  Like you said, being in the relationship and seeing "20/20" isn't easy.  I really don't know if he's a branch or a root... it's very hard to explain.

As immature as it may be, today I just decided that if he wants to talk to me, he can call me.  He finally wrote me back and asked what I was doing.  I said "Driving Andy to pick up his motorcycle in San Marcos (town an hour or so away). Getting bad service."  He put "Okay, well I'm going to lay back down.  Tell Andy hey and you guys be safe."  So there.  I'm hoping this whole "If he wants to talk, he will call thing" might help.  Not necessarily with the "He ignores me" situation, but with me being so attached.  If I can fight "giving in" and being submissive, I think it will make me stronger and help me decide if he's a branch or a root.

I know we need to communicate and I shouldn't be that immature, but at least until we can see each other face to face, I can't stand this feeling that he ignores me.  So, if I don't talk to him first, I don't have to risk him not responding.

[Nero]

The wet t-shirt contests and dancing in cages would be an instant deal breaker for me whether I trusted him or not.

[ConfusedMichelle]

The wet t-shirt contests and dancing in cages would be an instant deal breaker for me whether I trusted him or not.

It definitely bothers me.  I just don't know how to tell him that it does.  Any ideas?

[Nero]

I don't know since he doesn't seem really open right now. Prolly wait until you reestablish good communication. Right now he's got all the power. You want to balance that out. He thinks he can do whatever he wants and you love him so much you'll put up with it. Time to reign him in.

[sneakersjay]

As an older guy I'll throw in my 2 cents.  I won't go into specifics about your situation, but offer some input.

No relationship can work if it's one sided.  No relationship can get through problems if only one person wants to fix things.  No relationship will work if one person is making all of the sacrifices.

A relationship isn't a 50:50 partnership; it's 100:100.  Each needs to give it their all, their best.  From personal experience I know that different people need diffferent things from a relationship and finding what each other needs and doing that, be it communication, touching, doing special things, gifts, etc.  Doing it even if you don't get it because you don't need it that way. 

I'm short of time and likely will be for the next two weeks.  But I learned the hard way.  I gave up 100% of myself to someone who would not give me anything in return, several times.  It sucks.  It hurts.  But ultimately you can't sacrifice your life and happiness trying to keep someone else happy when you don't get any consideration in return.

Hang in there.

Jay

[ConfusedMichelle]

Good idea, Nero.  I guess I'm just scared I'm going to lose him.  But, maybe I need to realize that I can't keep doing this and it would be for the better if I lost him if he didn't change.

As for Jay, very wise words man.  Very.  You never let me down, dude.

[Nero]

Yes, sadly, it would be for the better. Definitely sounds as if he feels free to live like he's single as Dan mentioned. Could be that while he loves you, he just wants to party and not settle down right now.
And I wouldn't trust him. What in the Sam Hill is he dancing for other guys for if not to get laid?