Hey all my names Beck, I'm a 28 yr old transman currently living in the London area.
For many years I felt that something was wrong with me, although I couldn't put my finger exactly on what that was. I always thought of myself as male subconsciously and saw myself asmale inside my head if this makes sense, although it took me years (until I was 27) to fully realise the significance of that.
I had years of sexual confusion which I believe was related to my gender identity, I mean I always liked guys but straight sex just felt wrong to me and it was only when everything clicked and I cmae out as a gay (trans) man that it all made sense.
I came out to my partner last year, we both were going through a process of sexual exploration, he was experiencing men for the first time even though he had thought about it for years, we both kind of realised something had been very wrong with the way we had been living our lives but we grew up in a very straight culture (although his mother is lesbian.)
He is fairly supportive of my transition although I wish he were a bit more involved and I am in the process of being referred to the Gender Identity Clinic having already seen my doctor and a psychologist who both agreed that there was nothing mentally wrong with me that wouldprevent me form being a goodcandidate for HRT and later surgery .
Hopefully I can begin testosterone therapy soon as I really feel I have come to a point whereby I would like what I see as the medical problem I was born with at birth corrected. Mentally I am totally there I just would like to be fully seen as male 100% ofthe time by people I don't know although raising confusion is better than nothing. I tell all my friends and people I may meet whenever it's relevant or comes up but I still sometimes get referred to as female which I detest.
For me beginning T and it's subsequent effects cannot come soon enough. I do feel very depressed and down sometimes even though I am a lot happier since I realised fully who I am.
I can't tell my mother or father as they are both very straight although I kind of tried to tell my mother but she couldn't really accept it, so I took it back and said I was joking etc....
Add to this the fact that my partner has some serious sexual confusion issues which are directly affecting our relationship,ie not knowing if he is gay or bi or what, coupled with the fact that we argue a lot about this particualr issue (sexuality) because I feel the strong need to be with a gay man now and he is just not sure at the moment, even though a year ago he was convinced he was gay and you have a very stressful situation indeed.
Although he is fine with my transition and all (or seems fine) he has been dishonest with me on numerous occasions about his being gay and his degree of attraction to women even denying it still exists at one point which again has damaged our relationship.
Sorry for the vent but this seems to be one of the only places where I might be able to talk about all this, I mean I can talk to my partner but like I said there are a lot of issues there and I don't always feel like he is being 100% honest with me. It's not as easy as just splitting up because there are deep feelings there, I love and care about him deeply,we have been together for over ten years.
Sex between us is not a problem at all, we have sex in what you would call a "gay"way even though I don't have the required equipment there are lots of things you can use a a substitute and he enjoys our sex life enourmouly as do I. We never have "str8 sex" anymore ie vaginalpenetration and haven't for over a year now.
My main two problems are I just wish I could pass more and my partners dishonesty and his sexualityand what that potentially means for us.
Beck
