Ever since I started my current relationship (with a great friend and transsexual) I've been questioning my own gender identity. At first, it was just subtle attempts at femininity, not that I wasn't already self-described as very effeminate. In recent months it all snowballed, and turned into an avalanche of depression. I was so sick of questioning myself that I made it my summer objective to discover who I was. Needless to say, no person can figure themselves out in two mere months. I was no exception, and the depression just got worse.
I have always been quite depressed, and antisocial. I figure that the two go hand in hand. The only difference is that this time I can pinpoint the cause of my depression. It is simply the frustration at not knowing what I am.
A ton of signs pointed to androgyny, leaving me delighted at the thought. To me, I fit so perfectly into the spot that it was frightening. No longer would I need to play at attempts to fit a girl role (because I obviously wasn't masculine enough for any guy). I could be just happy at in the middle. And I was, for a bit. After changing my appearance (both physical and impressionable) more so to fit my gender identity, I had another break down. It wasn't the typical outward mental breakdown, but more of a self-reflective deal. In more recent days I've been finding ways to distract myself from all the issues. But every now and then (or more like every day) I sit down and take a long look at myself.
I've even tried crossdressing, after intending to do so for a bit. Even that wasn't for me, and more like a right of initiation to my own terms. Regardless, I felt quite blissful when I was able to further feminize my already androgynous appearance. I wouldn't say that crossdressing or looking feminine is the only way to make me happy, but it sure helps. I take good enjoyment in interacting, dressing, and passing as a girl. When someone "mistakes" my gender, I experience incredible joy. I can't tell if it is a taboo-high or the love of acceptance, though. Mentally, I always take steps to act as girly as possible, with my dialogue and interactions. This tends to cause conflict with the defaults hard-wired in my head, so I can understand why I can't make every effort natural.
I've already decided that I want laser hair removal on most of my body hair (if possible). I'm completely repulsed at the thick hair that grows on my arms and legs, but shaving is incredibly difficult for me. My voice is terrible too, but there is little I can do to change my soft, but deep tone. I plan on paying for a tracheal shave if I think I need one once my body is complete with its development.
Sometimes I ask if this is just some sort of hormonal issue. I'm only starting Highschool, and countlessly have I been told that these are some of the most moody years I'll go through. Then again, I see people discover themselves throughout the struggle of natural hormonal development, and never regret their decisions in the end. Is there any way I can answer these plaguing questions?
