I don't know where to put this topic. My two "no-no" ways of coping are booze and blades, so I'll assume that you can toss them into the same bin.
I haven't cut in about ten years, and I was never an extensive cutter like those people who post on YouTube. I threw my blades away a long time ago. A few weeks ago, I got to wishing that I hadn't. I wanted them, if only to know that I had them in case I needed them.
Recently I made a joke about cutting to my partner, and he said, "We have razor blades in the garage. Do you want me to show you where they are?" I said no. Not because I didn't want them but because the logical place for them was the tool caddy, and I figured I could find them myself when he wasn't around.
Last week, I had a really bad day and went looking for the blades. All I found was an empty box. I'm not into kitchen knives or anything like that, so I figured I would have to buy some new blades.
I did so today.
I don't really WANT to carve myself up, but if I get to feeling really bad, I'm afraid that I will. The blades are like the brandy in the liquor cabinet: now that I've got them, the possibility for abuse exists.
Right now, I've got three things holding me back. My pride is one. If I cut, I see myself as weak. I keep thinking that I should be able to get through without it, just like I'm doing with the booze.
Disclosure is another. I don't want people to know about it. If I cut in the usual place, my arms, then my partner and my therapist will figure it out. I can cut somewhere else, of course. But my partner could see the slices even if they were somewhere else. In addition, I don't think this would be a good thing to hide from my therapist. I promised myself that I wouldn't lie to him. Omitting might not be lying, but hiding something like this would be dishonest and counterproductive. If I told him, I would feel ashamed that I was such a wuss that I resorted to cutting. I would feel like a failure. I'm not sure I could keep it a secret, but I would want to.
The third thing is kinda stupid. I look at cutting as a girl strategy. I am not a girl.
I'm not talking about lasting harmful effects. I'm not talking about suicide. Just light cutting, a couple of slices that will heal in a couple of weeks. But I can't think of any other reasons NOT to do it. My pride is eroding, and I'm getting to the point where I don't care who knows. Screw them. And some guys do cut.
I'm doing fine on the drinking. I'm still dry. But this...has a different kind of pull. I'm wearing down. If I get the urge to cut, how do I stop myself? Should I stop myself? It WILL make me feel better, at least temporarily...