coming out at college

[AndrewLC]

My school is super accepting of everything.  We have gender neutral bathrooms, co-ed housing that lets you pick who your roommate is after a couple weeks if you want, no sports teams so that's not an issue.  You get the point.

However, this will be my first year living as Andrew.  I think.  I've considered this at the start of every school year, and I always chicken out for some reason (in high school it was because I lived with my parents, my freshman year of college (at a different school) it was because I actually got death threats for being a lesbian, and I figured trans wasn't going to be much better.  Sophomore year it was because I was a live in nanny for a very catholic family.  Last year I thought about it, really hard, all summer long.  And then wimped out.

But now I've made the call.  I'm so sick of being Angela in some situations and Andrew in others.  I called the school, talked to student life.  They were incredibly supportive, and told them to just let them know what I need, if anything.

But now I need to figure out how to come out to the college.  How do I tell people?  I feel like I've put one foot off the edge of a cliff, and the other is cemented down.  Did I make a mistake by going to student life?  Should I have just shut up and gone through thsi one last year, and then started a new life somewhere else as Andrew?  Wouldn't that have been a million times easier?

Does anybody have any suggestions?  My campus is tiny - under 300 students (yes, under three hundred).  I have the ability to message the entire campus (everyone does), we have this thing called All College Meeting where I'd be free to make an announcement.  Or, honestly, if I just change my name on facebook everyone will know soon enough.  But I feel like that's so *big*

And then how do I deal with the questions?  How do I deal with the pronoun questions when I don't even really know myself?

[Elwood]

Totally depends on where you are and how well you pass. I've been living as Dan and no one second guesses me; they believe me to be biologically male. And for now, that's good for me and what I need. Eventually, I might be an open transsexual (I won't have a choice if I become an actor, probably). I don't say, "Hi, I'm Dan, and I'm a transsexual." I just say, "Hi, I'm Dan," and let them figure it out. It really depends on your very specific situation.

[AndrewLC]

Thanks, but that's not really what I was asking, though.  Maybe I didn't present myself very well.

This is not a new school.  I'm entering into my fourth year of college, my second at this college (I transferred).  Everyone knows me as Angela.  My question was about how to come out to a campus that already knows me as a female.

[Elwood]

OHHH. Wow. I have no idea. I came out to some of my friends but... they were very accepting, as friends.

I have no idea... that's going to definitely be a tough one to handle.

[jenny_]

Welcome to susan's place, Andrew!  Its so great that your school is really accepting.  College is usually a pretty easy place to come out, and i'm sure things will go loads better than you imagine!

I came out at university as well, a couple of years ago, and I was so terrified about it.  But honestly i don't think there's any right or wrong way of telling people, and just doing it anyway that you feel comfortable is probably your best bet. hopefully it'll go really smoothly if your not feeling completely awkward about doing it.

What i did was to tell friends first and any professors i had regular contact with.  And also the admin staff to get records etc changed.
Other than that i didn't tell other people, and just let people find out.  I'm guessing on a campus of 300, news gets round pretty quick anyway!  Or you could make an announcement like you suggested - that'd make the process a lot quicker.

And then how do I deal with the questions?  How do I deal with the pronoun questions when I don't even really know myself?

Just deal with them, however you'd normally deal with personal questions.  Your not obliged to answer a question thats really stupid or personal, and you don't have to know all the answers.

Hope it goes well!
Jenny
x x

[AndrewLC]

So.... I did it.  I just sent a community email, which is probably really lame, but it was easier than anything else.

I sent this email at around 3am:

Hi everyone. I hope you all had a great summer. Mine was... thought provoking, to say the least.

Jumping to the chase really fast, the point of this email is that I've finally realized that I really need to acknowledge to people aside from a few close friends that I am transgender (oh, look, wikipedia: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Transgender#Transgender_vs._Transsexual).

Part of acknowledging this is asking people to call me by the name that I feel closer reflects who I am, and with that I'd like to ask you all to refer to me as Andrew. I don't much care about personal pronouns - he/him, she/her, or some funky gender neutral pronoun - so you can use what you feel comfortable with.

This is something that I've put years of thought into, and I hope you all will respect this about me - even though I totally took the chicken way out and sent this as a mass email before I got back to school instead of telling people face to face. Ahh, the wonders of technology - I also considered just changing my facebook name and seeing how long it took you all to catch on.  I'm not saying this will never change, but right now it is what I need; at some point I needed to work through this on a large scale to make sure it's really what I want. 

Thanks for understanding,
Andrew Leigh

From a friend:
Andrew,

Wow, I am so glad you were comfortable enough to share this with the community and listen to your innerself.  Let me know it there's anything I can do to help with this new step in your journey to recognition/feeling comfortable in your world.  I look forward to seeing you soon ~ you'll be my neighbor over in the NEW DORMS which are AMAZING! 

Thanks for sharing this with me,
B

From student life:
Thanks Andrew for letting me know. Do you want us to make across the board changes to things such as email etc? Do you want to be listed as Andrew in the directory? Let me know and we will work to get stuff changed over.

Looking forward to seeing you back on campus
S

[Skymning]

I'm glad your campus is so tolerable of your gender identity! 

I support the idea that you don't and shouldn't always tell people... but it looks to me like you'll be just fine expressing yourself in this environment.

[fae_reborn]

Wow Andrew, it looks like you're well on your way my dear! 

I was going to say that transitioning while in college is much easier than doing so after while in the workplace.  This is my last semester of college, and while I didn't come out to my whole campus, most everyone has found out already in the past year, and everyone sees me as a woman and I've had no problems.  The administration was very helpful and understanding (I even led a campaign to make the campus more gender neutral, but unfortunately it didn't get far).  You're much more anonymous in college; those who have any objections tend to keep them to themselves.  Those who do actually say something to you, it's usually positive and supportive.

Best of luck hun, all the best. 

Jenn

[AndrewLC]

If my campus was even a little larger then I'd not have done this.  But with so few students it's not a place where you can be anonymous.  You literally know every person's name on campus, and probably how many siblings they have, what they want to be when they graduate, and their views on various environmental issues. 

[fae_reborn]

If my campus was even a little larger then I'd not have done this.  But with so few students it's not a place where you can be anonymous.  You literally know every person's name on campus, and probably how many siblings they have, what they want to be when they graduate, and their views on various environmental issues. 

Even so, you're more anonymous in general that you would be if you waited until after school.  Most college students are open minded and it really helps.  College is the best place to transition IMO

Jenn

[MarySue]

... Should I have just shut up and gone through thsi one last year, and then started a new life somewhere else as Andrew?  Wouldn't that have been a million times easier? ...

Not necessarily! For example, suppose you apply for a job as Andrew, and your perspective employer contacts your college to confirm that you graduated. Oops! No records for Andrew. Granted, a good employer would understand, but not all employers are that enlightened.

[Janet_Girl]

Good for you, Andrew.  Congratulations.

I think that you used a very good way to come out.  I used MySpace to come out to the world.  And for now I am very open about being Trans, no shame and non applogetic. 

You have now taken the next step in your personal journey.  MarySue is very correct about the school records.  It is important to have your records reflect you, Andrew.

I recently reentered the educational community ( started college ) and even though it is on-line,  I am going to have everyone refer to me as Janet and use proper pronouns.  Unfortunately I had to get financial aid under my old male name because that is how I filed taxes for 2007.  Next semester i will be able to change every thing into my legal name.

I think that you will have a great time and probable make a lot of friends now.

Best of luck in your studies.

Janet

[jixe]

I go to a college in central London where there seems to be a high amount of trans people flying about, considering it isn't such a big place.
It's an adult learning centre, so they are much be used to it and are really chilled out.
Of course that is no reason for other universities to not be relaxed around gender!
I dropped out about twice from 'normal' uni, so i'm at this better adult place now, where there is more time and suchlike...

My situation is really weird too because I think most of the people I am at college with have figured it out already, although I haven't told them... I just told my two closest friends there, because we talk about everything!
I think I will just not tell anyone, and just become more & more female... I'll wait until they say the first words!

[Alexandra]

As a Freshman I was already presenting myself as female even though my name was still male.  I had not gotten anything changed yet but people were still accepting of me regardless.

Now that I'm a sophomore with a legal name change, the few people I actually interacted with on a daily basis as a Freshman have adapted to it with the greatest of ease.  The new people I meet know me for my real name and I doubt have any real clue about the year before, but if they did it wouldn't matter to me.  College is a wonderful experience with a lot of great and intelligent people.

You don't need to make a big announcement about it unless YOU want to.  I actually wrote a speech my freshman year for Speech class about being trans and everyone was fine with it.  Once you tell everyone, it seems kinda silly that you felt the need to do that in the first place.  It's more about your own release than informing people really, because nothing changed for me as far as my relationships at school.

Until you figure out your gender, just take the pronouns in stride.  It really didn't matter when people called me he before I changed my name because I knew that I would not be seeing these people again, lol.