Maybe I'm stupid but....

[trapthavok]

....I just had my heart broken by the girl of my dreams, and it doesn't stop me from wanting her any less than I already have.

She's the most wonderful woman I've ever met, great personality, very attractive....It's to the point that she's wife material to me. I've never felt that way about anyone. Yeah, sure I'm rushing it but I'm not saying I'd go out and marry her if I could today, I'm just saying maybe someday down the road she'd be a great one...

It's just hard to explain I guess, but I feel very strongly about her. I would do anything for her, she makes me want to change myself (for the better) which other people have had a hard time getting me to do.

What's worse is that I know she likes me a lot. I don't know if she cares about me in that same sense per sei, but she likes me.

I finally found out what's holding her back though. I am physically a girl, and she is a straight woman, and it confuses the sh$t out of her. She's not into like..physical activity in any sense of the word, but for some reason my body puts her off, though she would never see it. Basically she doesn't understand my condition, and I didn't get any warning signs at all because she's always called me by my preferred name, always called me a he (never messed up once).... So I thought she did see me as a guy. But maybe it's that to her I'm only a guy mentally, and mental conditions  are harder to determine because I could think I was a guy just to be saying it or whatever


I don't know man....All I know is that she couldn't even summon the courage to tell me that because she didn't want to hurt me, and that to me shows that she cares about me in some form, which makes me go after that slim hope that maybe she'll get over it..?

She says she'll "never" get over it, probably because she doesn't understand, but never is a strong word to me. There is the slim possibility (she said so herself) that she might be able to overcome that mental block....it's the only thing standing in our way.


So my "maybe I'm stupid" comes in here because "maybe I'm stupid but...." I still want to pursue her and hope that she can overcome it. Maybe I'm stupid because it does hurt me that the physical aspect is bothering/confusing her especially since she's not interested in physical things with ANY guy, bio or not, and I still want her.

There's something inside of me that keeps screaming I'd be stupid if I let this one get away.

Am I stupid...? Is there really no hope...?

[Nero]

My commiseration, Nate.

So let me get this straight - you declared your feelings for her and she said no because she's having reservations about dating a female bodied guy?

Or this just something you've concluded without her actually saying it?

[Elwood]

Yes, but you're our stupid Nate.

Just kidding. Well, as far as I know, I've never been in love. But I do know that I've had crushes, and when I was rejected, I almost wanted them more after being rejected. I don't know how to explain it. But I don't think you're stupid for still liking her. It's called human nature-- not to mention being a man. Aren't we supposed to think with our crotches?

I've seen a lot of beautiful, sweet, wonderful girls. I don't think I have a soul mate. I could be with any of those girls and be happy. I think when they say there's more fish in the sea they mean it. There are other girls that will make you happy. They might not be girls like her, but you'll still like them. We're young, so we'll probably have crushes on dozens of people in the next couple years, I'm sure.

Well, she may be confused, but that isn't necessarily a rejection. But the fact that she's so strict about her sexuality is a scary thing-- I don't think I could ever date a "100% gay" or "100% straight" person. I want to be with someone who has a little sexual flexibility.

It's hard to tell with this girl. Time might help her figure things out, but maybe not...

[trapthavok]

My commiseration, Nate.

So let me get this straight - you declared your feelings for her and she said no because she's having reservations about dating a female bodied guy?

Yes, from what I understood. She said she liked me too, finds me attractive and all, but the body is throwing her off I guess.

Posted on: September 22, 2008, 03:49:34 PM

I don't think I could ever date a "100% gay" or "100% straight" person. I want to be with someone who has a little sexual flexibility.

It's hard to tell with this girl. Time might help her figure things out, but maybe not...

Um I could never date someone based SOLELY on their sexuality though.... I don't want to have to date my other friend just because she's okay with my body. It puts me off slightly to think that way.  I don't want someone's sexuality to be a big factor in why I like them/would consider them dateable.

[Elwood]

I wouldn't date someone solely based on their sexuality either. But if they can't accept me as a man knowing I've transitioned, I won't be dating them. She only thinks she's gay because you have female parts. Does she really see you as a man if she thinks she's dating a woman?

The truth is, you don't HAVE to date anyone.

[trapthavok]

I wouldn't date someone solely based on their sexuality either. But if they can't accept me as a man knowing I've transitioned, I won't be dating them. She only thinks she's gay because you have female parts. Does she really see you as a man if she thinks she's dating a woman?

The truth is, you don't HAVE to date anyone.

I can't think in cold logic like that right now man...
I've tried gauging/asking her about how she feels about the whole body thing, but I'm not sure how straightforward her response was since I'm still slightly confused myself. I don't know if she REALLY sees me as a man, body aside. I just don't know, so I can't answer that.

I don't HAVE  to date anyone but I WANT to date her. And I know you were referring to my other friend when you said that, but still.

[Elwood]

Sorry, I'm a cold and calculating person, lol. A lot of people can't think like me when they're in an emotional situation. I know when I'm emotional I lose my poker face and wit really quick.

Sounds like you're confused and need to give yourself time to really think this over.

And yeah, I was referring to your other friend. No one should feel obligated to date. Yes, I'm a horny guy and I really want to go frisk some woman. But I'm not going to let myself do that, even though I know a girl who really wants me to eat her alive. I'm controlling those temptations because of the consequences that will follow.

[Nero]

My commiseration, Nate.

So let me get this straight - you declared your feelings for her and she said no because she's having reservations about dating a female bodied guy?

Yes, from what I understood. She said she liked me too, finds me attractive and all, but the body is throwing her off I guess.

I'd say there's some hope then. She could just be conflicted about her feelings for you. Sounds like this is new territory for her and she needs 'a moment to deliberate' [/alanis morrisette].

[trapthavok]

FINAL VERDICT: It's both. She doesn't have those feelings for me, and I'm a subjective anomaly to her.

Woooo!!!! Yay!!!! I love my life!!!!!

[Elwood]

FraK.

Well, welcome to my world. I never can pull any of that ->-bleeped-<- off... My love life sucks donkey lluevos.

[trapthavok]

I know I care about you a lot and I enjoy being around you (in spite of your sex jokes, lol) However, I don't think it's the same way I feel with "other" men. It's strange to me because, when I see you and interact with you, even without the beanie cap, I see you as a guy...but I know you are a girl. Please don't be upset with me because this whole transgender situation is fairly new to me and I don't view it as you being gay at all, I just feel like it's not something I should pursue. The way you describe it, being transgender is something subjective. I am not saying that you are lying about it, but it's possible that there could be another explanation. I don't want to complicate things more for either of us. I'm sorry, please don't hate me.

So that's only part of what she said....but it hurts a lot, no matter what she said after. Because it's like she called me an "inbetween" or a fake. "Other" men? What's the quotation mark for?

And you can't honestly see me as a guy if you "know I'm a girl."

Yes I'm still fool enough to be her friend but like I said in my blog, when I'm with her I will always be making the stinkface in the back of my head, because I will always remember these daggers. Being transgender is not subjective..... And I don't have to prove that I'm a man for you to believe me.



Posted on: September 23, 2008, 08:43:29 AMTo that effect, I still remember what her friend said to me the day I asked if I could move in (she lives here too). I came out to them and asked if they were ok with it, would I make them uncomfortable by living here, and she said

"Well, I don't care. I don't agree with what you're doing but I'm not going to stop you from living here."

And I still remember what I thought in response (but did not say aloud). "You don't agree? I don't need your approval..." She used to irritate me because she still can't remember to call me "he." Now it's just like.... I don't care.... I won't be living here forever anyway. I don't have to explain anything because I've tried in the past and they still don't believe me.

Subjective bs...

[luna]

So that's only part of what she said....but it hurts a lot, no matter what she said after. Because it's like she called me an "inbetween" or a fake. "Other" men? What's the quotation mark for?

And you can't honestly see me as a guy if you "know I'm a girl."

Yes I'm still fool enough to be her friend but like I said in my blog, when I'm with her I will always be making the stinkface in the back of my head, because I will always remember these daggers. Being transgender is not subjective..... And I don't have to prove that I'm a man for you to believe me.



Posted on: September 23, 2008, 08:43:29 AMTo that effect, I still remember what her friend said to me the day I asked if I could move in (she lives here too). I came out to them and asked if they were ok with it, would I make them uncomfortable by living here, and she said

"Well, I don't care. I don't agree with what you're doing but I'm not going to stop you from living here."

And I still remember what I thought in response (but did not say aloud). "You don't agree? I don't need your approval..." She used to irritate me because she still can't remember to call me "he." Now it's just like.... I don't care.... I won't be living here forever anyway. I don't have to explain anything because I've tried in the past and they still don't believe me.

Subjective bs...

"I don't agree with what you're doing" always pisses me off. It's also easier to get angry than it is to be sad. I hope you get a new place soon!

[trapthavok]

So that's only part of what she said....but it hurts a lot, no matter what she said after. Because it's like she called me an "inbetween" or a fake. "Other" men? What's the quotation mark for?

And you can't honestly see me as a guy if you "know I'm a girl."

Yes I'm still fool enough to be her friend but like I said in my blog, when I'm with her I will always be making the stinkface in the back of my head, because I will always remember these daggers. Being transgender is not subjective..... And I don't have to prove that I'm a man for you to believe me.



Posted on: September 23, 2008, 08:43:29 AMTo that effect, I still remember what her friend said to me the day I asked if I could move in (she lives here too). I came out to them and asked if they were ok with it, would I make them uncomfortable by living here, and she said

"Well, I don't care. I don't agree with what you're doing but I'm not going to stop you from living here."

And I still remember what I thought in response (but did not say aloud). "You don't agree? I don't need your approval..." She used to irritate me because she still can't remember to call me "he." Now it's just like.... I don't care.... I won't be living here forever anyway. I don't have to explain anything because I've tried in the past and they still don't believe me.

Subjective bs...

"I don't agree with what you're doing" always pisses me off. It's also easier to get angry than it is to be sad. I hope you get a new place soon!

Well I'm gonna be living here for a year so that's really not an option. But in terms of them being understanding, I don't think I'd trade roomies.... At least they try sometimes, whereas who knows where I'd end up if I wasn't living here.