This is a true story of part of my child hood history....
A little bit of my childhood history. Before my mother got to together
with my step dad, things appeared to be o.k. We lived in a small mobile
home in a nice town. I have a lot of fond memories as well as a few bad
ones. There was nothing to be stressed out about! Nothing to put me on
my guard! I liked the school I was going to, I loved the neighbor hood!
And the time me and mom spent together seemed to be full of love. My
family at the time was really great! Trips to the dairy queen, a late
night flick at the drive in theater despite my young age of 5 years. I
think the drive in was one of my favorite places my family took me to.
Play in the park by the movie screen till it got dark, the movie is
about to start, I begin to beg for money for all the goodies they had
at the concession stand. I sure miss that old theater; I sure miss the
warmth of a genuinely loving family. But most of all I miss my mom. 37
years old, and I miss my fricken mom! You will soon learn why. Things
took a turn for the worst when she met my step father, a hot tempered
German man. I never felt love from him, only apathy. My step brothers
and sisters seemed pretty open to me, especially my step sisters. I
could never really complain about any of them, they never had a problem
taken me places with them and never treated me like an outsider. They
would take me camping, bob sledding to the movies, the list was
endless! So I at least felt like part of the family! I wonder, now that
I'm older, If they took me everywhere with them out of genuine love, or
to get me out of the house away from my step dad! His own kids knew how
he was! Does that help you any? I was told that he took his own son
when he was an infant and threw him across the room!!! This guy always
had me working outside in the yard or cleaning the garage, cleaning his
fricken workbench in the basement. I mean the damn chores were endless!
Don't get me wrong, He bought nice gifts for birthdays and holidays.
But even at that young age I wondered why he even bothered. It wasn't
uncommon for him to order me around, but still, like a puppy tried so
hard to please him! This went on till I was about 7 years old. Then
came something in my life that I will never forget. I got thrown into
institutions and group homes and one foster family! And for what?! Yes,
I readily admit I was totally different than other kids, but I don't
feel I was that bad to be pushed through these places off and on clear
into the age of 15 years old! And then get kicked out on the street at
16! The first place I went to was a mental institution; they determined
I was suffering from depression and a.d.d. I was put on medication and
admitted. 7 years old, and I had no clue what the hell was happening to
me! Why am I here mom, I'll be good, I promise, please don't leave me
here! I want to go home with you!!!! Well, needless to say I was there
to stay for quite awhile. She would come and visit me on the weekends
during visiting hours and sometimes bring goodies with her. But the
worst time of the visit was of course the visit ending. To this day,
the memory is so deeply etched in my brain and my scarred heart, which
it will forever remain. After every visit, when she left, I used to
stand there broken hearted watching her walk down the long corridor to
the doors that led out of the ward, I kept my sight focused on her till
the door finally closed, hoping like hell it would swing back open and
have her run back to me and pick me up and saying "come on, I'm leaving
your step father, I'm getting you out of here". But it never happened.
I could still smell her leather jacket, the perfume and the stick of
Wrigley's spearmint gum she was chewing. I stood there till the smell
vanished just as she did. Then went to my dorm room with my heart
shattered into a million pieces and wept and wept. After about a month
of being there, I got more settled in, the staff were descent and I
even made some new friends! The music teacher would come on the ward on
Friday evenings with her acoustic guitar, and we would sing all kinds
of songs, especially John Denver's' music. I can't remember how long I
was there, but I finally got discharged! It was a taste of
bitter/sweet, I missed my mom, but I did not want my stepfather around!
It didn't really matter, because this event of being locked up led to a
long string of other places I would be dumped off at! Some times in
between being in a group home or hospital, I would be at home for up to
a year. Other than my step sisters and brothers, I felt it was a living
hell! My mom wasn't the same person I used to know or wept over, and
that got worse as time went on. I suppose it was better than being
aborted or killed and abused as an infant! But I felt aborted
emotionally. At home, I was always nervous and on my guard! Oh god, I
wondered, when is he going to yell at me, what work is he going to find
for me to do. Gee, I wonder if their going to fight again, so he can
smack her around and then rip the f@#$in distributer wires out of the
car so we can't get away, like he did last week! F@#$in prick!!! My
behavior got worse as time went on, I could only guess I figured I had
nothing to lose anyways. Time to go through the next round of group
homes! Like I said, this cycle went on till I was 15 years old. At 15 I
was back home going to a normal high school, had a dish washing job at
a local Greek restaurant, but my step dad always persisted and was
always a threat to me! I would always lie and say I had to be somewhere
that I knew he wouldn't disagree with; I would go out to the woods and
smoke a joint just to relax and be my self! Yes, I was one of the
stoners at school, a misfit with them, but still a stoner. One thing I
need to add, we always went on camping trips and Disney word and stuff
like that, but you can't buy somebody's heart! If there was genuine
love, those memories would have been worth keeping as a positive one.
What got me kicked out was, one night I got off of work and stole a
bottle of cooking sherry wine and downed it! Hmm, I don't feel a real
good buzz here! So I went to the basement when I got home and opened
all the liquor bottles and took a swig out of every one of them! I went
back outside to take a ride on the moped some time after midnight, I
kept crashing it! I couldn't steer it straight if my very life depended
on it! All right dammit, I'll walk the damn thing back home! I got home
and started to listen to some music for awhile, man, I'm still not
feeling it! I want some more of that juice baby! I hit up the liquor
bottles again taking a swig off each one! Went back to listening to
music, and that's where my memory was wiped clean! All I know is one
second I was listening to music, and the next second I'm passed out
being woken up by my mother shouting something at me! I was so far gone
It took me awhile to understand her! She was showing me the mess I made
in the bathroom, VOMIT AND SH$T EVERYWHERE! I don't recall doing any
off this stuff! She had me in the car on the way to the hospital so
fast, my head spun! All I can remember was screaming at her the whole
way there, everything that was in me finally came out in the car! Go
ahead b$tch, put me away again, I f@#$in hate you! All those years of
built up tension came out in one night! We got to the hospital, and
needless to say I was once again admitted. Two days later they
discharged me saying the insurance was tapped out, they were no longer
going to pay for me to be in a hospital. I don't remember the time
frame, but shortly after the hospital cut me loose, so did my parents.
I was happy as hell to be kicked out!!! That's putting it mildly!!!
Between that day and now my mother has since left my step dad and says
she regrets what's happened to me. I fully forgive her; I only hope she
knows that! Hell I even call my step dad from time to time. My mother
appears to be loving towards me more than ever, but the problem is, I
really don't know how to interpret love anymore! My own wife tells me
she loves me till she's blue in the face, some how I don't see it! Of
all the emotion that's in me, how is it possible not to be able to
interpret certain incoming emotions! Is my heart already turned to
stone?! Maybe I'm just now learning that about myself. I can easily
show love, but am incapable of receiving it! The equipment doesn't even
exist in my heart. Is it a trust thing? I cannot and will not ever give
someone my full heart and trust!! I'm pretty comfortable being within
myself. I love myself and at least I'll never sh$t on my own heart!
It's lonely sometimes, but it feels pretty good to be self contained!!
I guess one could argue that I miss what I used to have in my mom
before the bottom got pulled from beneath me. I love you mother, but
nothing you can do will ever warm my heart the way it used to be. I'm
not capable of feeling incoming love. I will always show you love and
talk to you because I truly love you. Just try to understand that in
this way I'm broken. I love you mother and I miss you. (12-10-2007)
[written by hardcore raver]www.thoughts.com/scarboroughfair
