Roles: do you have them? Do you like them?

[Andrew]

I'm bringing this up because the types of roles we transpeople take on are very diverse and sometimes differ from the expectations people have about our chosen gender. So what do you guys think about roles? Do you and your partner(s) have them? Do you like it? Is one of you the "girl" and the other the "boy"? Which one of you takes the lead? Do you switch?

Again, this is not just about sex -- in fact, it's mostly NOT about sex. I'm talking about life. Who holds the door open? Who pursues/is pursued? Does any of it fit a stereotype? Is this good for your relationship?

For my part, my (cisgender) guy and I have pretty clearly-defined roles. I'm the guy, and he's pretty much the girl. He likes this! He loves that I take the lead, that I'm the strong one, that I'm the initiator. As for me, I enjoy the control. I don't feel as good when the person I'm with is the one holding the door open. In other words, my power in the relationship comes from being the "aggressor," and his comes from being "pursued."

So, how about you?

[JonasCarminis]

before i was out to myself, i was the "passive-aggressive" of the persued type.  id lead pretty hardcore and wait fo the guy to get the hint.  lol  when i came out as liking girls, i was always the persuer.  and now... still persuer.  haha  i think im more of the aggressor.

[pennyjane]

wow...a very interesting and insightful topic andrew, thank you.

i guess there are roles that we get into.  as much as it sometimes embarrasses me and leaves me a bit unvalidated at times, with my wife i still primarily take on the stereotypical male role.  it's just so natural with us...i think if we tried to change now we'd both just end up confused.  we've been married for nearly 29 years and it's just the way things worked out.  we both knew i was ts before we got married but it just didn't rigister with us...we still grew into the roles.

as the strong and assertive type i guess i do fit pretty comfortably in the traditional male roles in other places as well.  the one place i always fit in the female role is in my own mind.  there i am all girl all the time, it doesn't matter what i'm doing or how i'm doing it....i know, i am sure enough of myself, that however i'm doing it...it's the girl way.  i always say...."i know i look like a girl...i know this because i look like me...and i'm a girl."  so, yes...sometimes it's a little uncomfortable...but not anything i lose sleep over.

[JonasCarminis]

wow.... i actually just realized that i fit into the "stereotype"  i wasnt actually thinking about that.  pennyjane, i dont think that there is anything wrong with that.  you seem comfortable with your wife.... i dont think there is any reason to chang it if it works.  we need more assertive women in the world anyways.

(is it possible to be a male femenist? >_>)

[icontact]

I'm pretty much the sweet guy. I open doors, hold books, if she's light enough and badly injured, I'll carry her to classes, etc. I definitely pursue the girl, but I tend to keep up a "stud" image, flirting with many girls, jokes about being a pimp, etc. I guess that's not really a good thing because from experience, it's tended to make her think that she's out of my league. But once she knows I'm only interested in her, and only her, I'll let her pursue me. In the relationship, I am strongly stereotypical. I'm the "strong" one, I don't talk about what's wrong with me, I don't cry or complain, I suck it up and focus myself on her and making sure she's okay.

Physically, I take the lead in cuddling and kisses because I've had infinite experience in that department. Making out or anything further down the line, she can start that haha. For two main reasons, a) I'm mostly a "bottom." I like her going after what she wants, that's hot. and b) I have no experience there. Would rather not make a fool out of myself. Heh.

[pennyjane]

hey chet...thanks for the encouragement.  and i absolutely believe a male can be a feminist!  it ain't about gender it's about fairness and equality.  actually i think many strong and secure men are of a feminist vent anyway. 

[milliontoone]

I don't really think about it but if I do I would say that in my relationship although I am definately not the "passive" type and certainly not in bed we still have a mix of how we express different aspects of our nature.
I do like to hold the door open for my partner etc... but I don't feel like I should.  I do it because I want to.
I am actually really attracted to essentially what I would call passive guys but this is not absolute by any means, I very much like what would be termed masculine characteristics too.
But I think I would always have to take the more agressive/ pursuer role in any relationship I had, it just wouldn't work otherwise, we would have a clash of ego's or something hahahha....

[almost,angie]

 I would have to say i take on the girls role and my wife is the guy. She is at work right now and I am getting my daughter ready for school. I cook , I clean , I`m barefoot in the  kitchen. And what thanks do I get??? LOL (just kidding) I have always been the girl in our relationship. It is what works about us.
  Angie

[iFindMeHere]

for my husband and i, most of the time it's kind of an, I'm a younger guy (varies) and he's the older. However, we have always switched in every way so i dont suppose it's that big a deal. As long as we're both happy--and we are.

[Princess Katrina]

In my relationships, I'm very much the submissive/female role. As such, I typically get my way.

[Elwood]

Well, I don't have a really strong relationship right now. The girl I like lives 500 miles away (actually, I live 500 miles away from her, I'm the one that moved). I think I'll wear the pants in the relationship pretty much 100% of the time. She's not "weaker" or submissive, she just has a more feminine personality. As for lead, we tend to follow each other. It's pretty interesting. We live on very equal terms.

[Kim6]

Oh, I thought you were talking about cinnamon roles...

I don't have a friend, a partner, a social life or any hobbies except for the Internet.  My life has been a long struggle to have a life and the struggle continues.  The people who know me are my parents and a couple of neighbors and I am not a woman to any of them. 

I work completely alone for myself, I spend my time alone, I dream of one day being able to have a life.

Roles sounds interesting, I haven't a clue about what that would be like.  I am just used to being me but not being regarded as me.

[Janet_Girl]

During my nightmare ( pre everything life ), I was the lead.  I held the doors, showed the way, took the reins so to speak.

But now even though I am not in a relationship.  I will be the more passive one, letting my SO take the lead ( until I know that they are wrong ).  I guess the typical wife role.  Sorry to all the wives out there that will take offense, but I think you will know what I mean.

[Godot]

Oh, I thought you were talking about cinnamon roles...

I don't have a friend, a partner, a social life or any hobbies except for the Internet.  My life has been a long struggle to have a life and the struggle continues.  The people who know me are my parents and a couple of neighbors and I am not a woman to any of them. 

I work completely alone for myself, I spend my time alone, I dream of one day being able to have a life.

Roles sounds interesting, I haven't a clue about what that would be like.  I am just used to being me but not being regarded as me.

I hear ya. This is pretty much how I am too. No one in real life has ever seen me as male and I'm not holding my breathe for that day because it probably won't be for a long time...or may not happen at all. I don't have friends in real life and not much of a social life except in Church. I dream of the day though I can go out and stuff but I'm hesitant at the same time.

To the topic of roles. In my relationships I've usually been the passive one. Not willingly, I never liked being passive but I've been in the most relationships back before I identified as T so yeah..I played the normal role of a girlfriend back then. At the moment I haven't had much chance to be in a relationship so I don't know how it would work out. I would like to at least try being the pursuer for once

[Laura Eva B]

Guess I love role playing.

I love guys to take the strong supportive role, me to cuddle up and be empathetic about their ever so repressed feelings ... Tarzan and Jane ?

But in role play (as in a hetero relationship which is where I am) its the woman who holds the power absolutely as it is she who really selects guys (so many signals a woman can send to attract a guy) and she who can say yes or no to sex ...

Guess I've always had the upper hand in decision making as whatever my "pretend roles" are I've always really been the stronger and more focussed, the higher earner ... least until my fantasy millionaire whisks me off in his yacht !

Laura x

[Constance]

I'm androgyne, and my wife is a feminist/womanist. Gender roles don't mean much to us.

I cook just about every night, because I love to cook and she hates it.

She usually does most of the cleaning, because there are certain ways she wants things done. She finds it easier to just do it rather than try to explain it.

Who holds the door for whom? That's a source of entertainment for us. We'll actually race each other to the door to see who can open it first!

[mtfbuckeye]

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[Nero]

Even now, in male mode, I'm the "woman" in my marriage.. in fact, check this out from my wife's blog:

I've always been the man even in my female state with straight men. Looking female never stopped me from being myself either. 

[Shana A]

I've always been the man even in my female state with straight men. Looking female never stopped me from being myself either. 

Nero, I'm sure no one could ever stop you from being yourself! 

Likewise, even when previously perceived as male, I've always been the femme in relationships with other women.

Z