Countdown to Impending Doom, or being preop and dating a straight guy

[soldierjane]

Some of this ground was covered on the "When to tell" thread but I think that op status makes a HUGE difference for those trying to date plain straight guys (not "admirers") so I was interested in your thoughts and experiences.

This guy and I started talking online and we became very friendly. We could (and can) talk for hours online about all kinds of stuff with always something interesting to pursue. He asked me out and I agreed. So far we have gone out twice, once on a picture-taking stroll (we both love photography) and once to the movies. The dates were great, we both had a great time. No kisses or anything of the sort yet, though I can see it would not be a stretch for that to happen.
I'm pretty much taking that possibility as a given and enjoying the relationship until that moment comes. He's really nice, but I'm not optimistic. So I'm trying to stretch the time before the proverbial hammer falls, having him know me and enjoy my company because there's always the little possibility that he may actually stay with me. Hopeless, I know.

Any thoughts? Have you any good stories to convince me he will not just reject me out of hand when I tell him I'm trans, preop and with surgery still far?

[milliontoone]

You know what I think, if he is really attracted to you then it will not neccessarily make a difference.  You can't also know 100% his sexual orientation.
Even if he is str8 he could (and should) accept you as a woman.  That being said if he is str8 he is not going to want to do anything genitally with you which I can understand so maybe that part of your relationship would have to wait until surgery.
If you are going to disclose to this guy though I would be really careful as lots of people have really repressed feelings that translate into some pretty nasty transphopbia.
I mean think about it, this guy is obviously attracted to you so when/ if he finds out that you are a pre -op trans woman that is going to make him question how he could be attracted to you in the first place.
Sounds like a total hypocrisy but some people can't handle what that says about them and so they take it out on the messenger if you know what I mean.

Be careful, stay safe and I wish all the best for you and your new relationship.

[Rachael]

I do have a happy story...

I fell in love with a good friend, we are madly in love, and i told him everything... we are still very much in love, and he has even offered to help me save for surgery... he doesnt care when, he just cares that he has me... im the luckyest girl alive... happy endings do happen... Just because hes a man, doesnt mean he will be a retard... Some get trained well by thier mothers...

[pennyjane]

i was very touched by a movie i saw called, "a girl like me".  this story was and is very provocative..if anyone hasn't seen it, please do!  there's a powerful picture of tell/not tell in there.

personally i think it's good to tell before anything gets real serious.  sure, it might be the catalyst for making things not get serious, but, to me, it's surely worth the risk.  from my experience with transsexual relationships the feelings the untold get about trust and betrayal are often stronger then their negative feelings about transsexualism.  of course each case is individual and there is no one size fits all, but...it's something to consider.

i told my annie on our second date.  we've been married nearly 29 years, through years of denial, then transition and then surgery.  we're closer then ever.

[soldierjane]

milliontoone: Thanks for your words. I have the courage but I think that it's probably out of my control


rachael: Thanks for such a nice story, I wish you the best


pennyjane: I don't know. Telling really early is a surefire way of caricaturising yourself and I really don't want that. Been there. Though truthful and honest, doesn't really work. Thanks for your comment, glad to hear you guys have been together all this time

[Northern Jane]

In my teens (17 I think) I was living away from home (en femme) and just beginning to figure out who I might be. (This was YEARS before SRS was possible.) I hung out with a bunch of 'party girls' and eventually got introduced to a young man of about 21. He was nice and we went out quite a few times but (of course) I had strict limits on how far I would let things go. After a few months, he PROPOSED to me. Of course I said no. I wasn't in love with him and of course marriage wasn't possible but he kept pressing me for a reason why I wouldn't marry him so eventually I had to tell him. The poor guy was so head over heels he offered to pay for my surgery in Morocco (like $30,000 U.S. in 1966!!!) if only I would marry him. (I have never come closer to selling my soul than I did that day!) But I wasn't in love with him and I hadn't really LIVED yet so I could not accept his proposal and broke off our relationship (for his sake).

About two years later one of my friends told me he had married a girl that reminded her of me. I thought that was sweet!

The power of love is really incredible. I hope he found happiness.

[pretty pauline]

In my teens (17 I think) I was living away from home (en femme) and just beginning to figure out who I might be. (This was YEARS before SRS was possible.) I hung out with a bunch of 'party girls' and eventually got introduced to a young man of about 21. He was nice and we went out quite a few times but (of course) I had strict limits on how far I would let things go. After a few months, he PROPOSED to me. Of course I said no. I wasn't in love with him and of course marriage wasn't possible but he kept pressing me for a reason why I wouldn't marry him so eventually I had to tell him. The poor guy was so head over heels he offered to pay for my surgery in Morocco (like $30,000 U.S. in 1966!!!) if only I would marry him. (I have never come closer to selling my soul than I did that day!) But I wasn't in love with him and I hadn't really LIVED yet so I could not accept his proposal and broke off our relationship (for his sake).

About two years later one of my friends told me he had married a girl that reminded her of me. I thought that was sweet!

The power of love is really incredible. I hope he found happiness.








What a lovely story Jane, its even more beautiful because he excepted you where trans, my dream, I'v given it a lot of thought, we discussed it in another thread, Im very nervious about the whole issue, Im going to tell him, you'v posted a lot on it, and you ex husband fully surpport you.
Myself and future hubby have a wedding date set in January 2009, I love him and he says he love me, at the moment Im enjoying all the planing for the wedding, myself and nieces have agreed I won't wear white lol we've narrowed it down to 2 colors, cream or pink, I'II probably go for pink, but before I become his blushing pink bride, I have to tell him, Im going to tell him soon, its just picking the right time, I'v a good feeling about it, tell him and hopefully things just go well, wish me luck.
p

[Northern Jane]

I have to tell him, Im going to tell him soon, its just picking the right time, I'v a good feeling about it, tell him and hopefully things just go well, wish me luck.
p

Well for gawd's sake don't do it the way I did!!!! - in bed, after making love for the first time - that was STOOPID!

[sneakersjay]

Well for gawd's sake don't do it the way I did!!!! - in bed, after making love for the first time - that was STOOPID!

She's pre-op.  I think he'd notice. 


Jay

[Northern Jane]

  D'oh! Your probably right!

[Rachael]

Trust me... not always....

after we had sex for the first time, my man asked if i still had you know what.... it was deffinately staying hidden XD

[Northern Jane]

How in heaven's name did you do that??? Poke it inside out??? 

(Sorry, couldn't resist!)

[pretty pauline]

Well for gawd's sake don't do it the way I did!!!! - in bed, after making love for the first time - that was STOOPID!

She's pre-op.  I think he'd notice. 


Jay

Im 23years post op, so that issue it doesn't arise, Im all woman

Posted on: October 22, 2008, 02:56:45 pmIts a pity this discussion is not taken serious, just all a joke, maybe I should have posted here https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,41242.0.html Im not feeling very funny, Im a nervious wreck, anyway just hope it works out, as well as pre wedding neves, can't see the funny side at the moment sorry.........
p

[Rachael]

How in heaven's name did you do that??? Poke it inside out??? 

(Sorry, couldn't resist!)

Its tiny, and it tucks flat in just a pair of panties...

[Melissa]

Well, I'm of the belief to be upfront with people I plan on being in relationships with.  It doesn't always work out, but they generally respect you for telling them.  Also, if you feel uncertain about what reason they attracted to you, then discuss it with them.  The key to relationships is communication (whether you're TS or not) and I think when you do feel comfortable about who you're with and how they see you, it takes A LOT of stress and discomfort out of the relationship because you know they love you for who you are rather than what you are.

[sneakersjay]

How in heaven's name did you do that??? Poke it inside out??? 

(Sorry, couldn't resist!)

Its tiny, and it tucks flat in just a pair of panties...

Oh.  When I think sex I think naked intercourse...

[Nero]

How in heaven's name did you do that??? Poke it inside out??? 

(Sorry, couldn't resist!)

Its tiny, and it tucks flat in just a pair of panties...

Oh.  When I think sex I think naked intercourse...

not sure she meant that. there are some male bodied folk whose penis hides almost completely when soft. and if you take an organ that's naturally small anyway and add E, well there ya go.

[Princess Katrina]

I do have a happy story...

I fell in love with a good friend, we are madly in love, and i told him everything... we are still very much in love, and he has even offered to help me save for surgery... he doesnt care when, he just cares that he has me... im the luckyest girl alive... happy endings do happen... Just because hes a man, doesnt mean he will be a retard... Some get trained well by thier mothers...

I can support this sentiment (despite my tendency to be sexist against men >.> ).

I'm a lesbian, but I met a guy who "straightened" me out. He's straight, no gay tendencies or anything (at least none he'll admit to, and he's not homophobic or anything like that). We started off online, which may be part of how I was able to get past the whole "He's a guy" thing (he plays female chars in the game we met in, which probably set me at ease a bit, even though he told me the first night we met that he's really a guy). Anyway, he and I were together as a couple for a year (and had known each other a few months longer than that) before I came out to him. Now, I wasn't just pre-op. I was pre-transition. That's part of why it took me a year to come out to him. I was terrified, not just of how he'd respond to me being trans, but to the fact that I hadn't even been able to start transition yet.

Suffice it to say, it hit him hard. Not so much that I was trans, but more that I had "decieved" him for a year (though I hadn't been quite as deceptive as his initial reaction suggested...I'd actually shown him a real picture of myself early in the relationship >.> ). He technically dumped me within an hour of my coming out, and then asked to be together again before the day was over. It still took him a couple weeks to fully come to terms with everything (though the whole time, the biggest issue for him was the deception). We've been together almost 2 years since that day now. He views me as a woman, pure and simple. He's changed his major in school from Art to Psychology (focus on Transgender issues). He's supporting me in my transition as best he can. He even came to visit me a couple months ago (i'd been on HRT for exactly 3 months at that point). Even though I had trouble being intimate, due both to being a lesbian and personal issues with my own body, he was patient and gentle with my feelings. He had no problem at all with my "bad plumbing" and did everything he could to help me feel like I really am a woman anyway. It was really the first time I got to feel like the woman I am. It was, quite simply, the best week of my life.

[isterriis]

I have been dating a guy now for about 3 1/2 months, I threw in 1/2 cause we started getting pretty serious after about 2 weeks 1/2 a month I told him EVERYTHING I was totally open and honest with him, the only mistake I may have had was telling him EVERYTHING in my apartment, alone, but for me I had a good feeling about him we had joked some about sexual things and he seamed good to go not homophobic or anything like that in fact he may have had gay or bisexual feelings at one time, still working on that one but he has been great treats me like a lady a real gentleman he asked me to move in with him so I can save money towards my corrective surgery, corrective cause I have some girl parts and some other parts not really girl and not really boy kinda alien looking LOL and he wants me to be as happy as I have made him 

[soldierjane]

Thanks all for your great replies, it does give me some hope
In regards to men not finding out when you're having sex (or close) while not naked, I can attest to that. It was a strange moment of joy, excitement and... mortal fear.

Yesterday we had dinner together and finally kissed for the first time. We were snuggled in the couch watching the first episodes of Futurama (which I hadn't seen in millennia) and he inched closer and closer; finally we eskimo-kissed as he held my hand and then full-on kissed. We stayed there talking and snuggling for a couple hours. Since my last boyfriend knew about me from the start and had no problems, it was a little weird being on guard again but he was very sweet and seems to like me a lot.

He's having a Halloween party later this week where I'll be meeting his friends. Right now I'm more worried about putting together my costume but thinking of the time when I have to tell him (and how) never really leaves me.

isterriis: "alien" is one good word