Grieving for that lost time...

[joannatsf]

I apologize now if this subject has been discussed before, I tried to look it up in the "search" menu, but couldn't find anything For all I know maybe I've posted this before and just can't remember    Please humor me

As a...SLIGHTLY ...older women I still find myself getting depressed over the fact that I will never get to live and be the young girl I wished I could've been when I was in my early teens.

My therapist and I have discussed this, and she has told me that it is normal for <slightly> older TG people who are transitioning late(r) in life to have a "grieving period" for that youth lost as a girl/boy.

So, I wanted to ask all of you whether M2F or F2M, how do you deal with this if @ all? Have you ever obsessed over it as I have from time to time? If so, how did you get over that? I would appreciate any and all feed back/opinion's.

*special note: I'm not trying to offend anyone with the age (slightly older) reference, just adding some humor

I had this experience Saturday night.  I was waiting for a bus about 10:30 pm outside party central at 18th and Castro.  A crowd of young queer men and women had spilled out of the bars and onto the sidewalk.  They were laughing and flirting and generally having a great time.  I was suddenly overcome by this sense of loss.  My time had passed and I could never be a part of the happy throng.  I've suffered depression since adolescence and it was starting to feel like my life was over and my stupid body refused to accept it.  This is the kind of thinking that will get you 5150ed.  I snapped out of it after a couple days probably in no small part with the aid of Wellbutrin and Remeron.  I realized that while my life hadn't been all that bad.  I was blessed with a several great loves and child that wouldn't be here if it hadn't taken me this long to come to terms with my gender identity.  Fretting over what could have been will get me know where but the morgue.

[cindybc]

I agree with Kate's philosophy, for that matter I think I posted enough times speaking on the same line of thoughts about looking back on my past and not remember who the other me was and that I always was a girl, hmmmm "Surprise!"

But you are quite right Claire de Lune, if my life would have been different I have three children that may not have been and also, so may other things that were positive things that may not have been, if things had been different. There is also good things that I brought to other peoples lives that may never have taken place either if things had been different.

But then it was Cindy all along that was there that made those things take place. I beleive that even the hard years took place for a reason, maybe just to hone me or refine me to become a better and more enlightened and caring lady. At least I can only hope so, I am of the belief that one makes their own destiny in their lives by the decisions we make today.

As for feeling young, well I don't think I ever realy completely grew up, to me the world is still a nice shiny place where there are castles and princesses and where dragons still exist and I am the dragon keeper. Funny that all those hard years failed to kill that spirit that dwells within me. Oh it was in hiding for a time but once those dark ugly storm clouds drifted away to let the golden sun shine flood the plains bellow to war the earth and reawakening life therein again, the child within me also reawakened, and I one of those old hippies to, and I don't drink or smoke grass either and I work with a bunch of girls in their early twenties to mid thirties.

Cindy 

[darius82501]

I completely understand. I hated high school and have many regrets. Spent most of my time in my basement depressed. And I'm from a small area in Nebraska so there were no outlets for me. I really didn't know what it was until my freshman year of college. Dances, sports, dating, etc. . . Yes it sucks. I fully understand.

Brady