this is going to be very very very long......and probably have a lot of typos...lol
first of all hi hun. i'm sorry that you feel this way.
two, people need to know that i'm imterpreting your post to say that my children are starving and have no clothes to wear. which isn't entirely the case, cause you know i like to eat too. our daughter is six years old and weighs 76 pounds she eats more than i do and i'm only 100-110 pounds if i'm lucky. our son is 2, and is probaly close to 40 pounds now and eats a lot of junk food during the day (that i'm trying very hard to discourage)
THREE EVERYBODY NEEDS TO KNOW I'M NOT HER WIFE AND NEVER WILL BE, SHE DOESN'T WANT OR NEED ONE, I'M HER SPOUSE, PARTNER, MATE, COMPANION, SISTER, BUT NEVER EVER HER WIFE TILL SHE SAYS SO. (THESE ARE HER WORDS WITH A LITTLE TWIST)
our daughter this past summer has gained 15 pounds at least and refuses to try her clothes on in the store before we buy them, i don't know how many items of clothing for her, that we've returned, her dad and aunt have taken back because they didn't fit when we got home. she's severely picky on her clothing choices--even if it's something wifey and i would wear if big enough she absolutely hates it. she has taught our son to do the same. but at least his clothes fit when we get home or if necessary our other son can wear them when big enough.
on to her.....
clothing wise during her 9 and a half month pregnancy i did everything i could to make sure she had close to cover her cute lil belly. i admit i'm not perfect, i asked for some of the things, some she OFFERED to buy, but was i a good spouse and decline them? some yes. others no. during her pregnancy, our friend got married, we BOTH wanted new outfits, i thought it would only be fair if we BOTH got new outfits, but i wasn't thinking(i never usually do) and she wanted an outfit that was kinda going to match mine for his wedding and he said no(to our outfits matching). the same day i believe i finally saw a brown skirt but knew i needed something to go underneath it since it was a WORK skirt. she could have said well your skirt and shorts are going to cost more you get these or your outfit, but she figured i would get mad said nothing and bought me both. and i've worn both on numerous occasions. before that we spent a great amount of time searching for skorts that looked like a skirt, were the appropriate length and color and SIZE(since i'm so small it's very very hard to find the stuff to actually fit). we found a khaki one at walmart finally(that was my fathers day present and i sure didn't complain about it either). then we went to jcpenneys and found a nice brown one, but according to our dress code at work, i was showing about 4 inches too much leg, which pissed us both off because we drove over 20 miles and went through countless thrift stores before we found it, and i was happy with it up to that point and so was she, so now i wear it at home. everything else was for work. i've told her repeatedly that if she NEEDED something i WOULD put my stuff back, there's been a lot of times neither one of us got anything because of this argument. i prefer to wear pantyhose for some reasons, she can't stand them so instead of bitching, i don't even even ask for my own box of knee highs since those we wear the same size, i kept an old box and stuffed it with ones she didn't wear twice and didn't have runs in them, and i wear those without complaint.
i have offered her bras but with the three kids her breasts are bigger than what i have. some of the panties she does have used to be mine and i'm not complaining she looks severely sexy in them which is what i planned...lol most of what i have aren't pretty enough or don't fit either, and i have gone through my stuff, i don't have as much as she says(she didn't know).
our money....
its her checking account- I REFUSE TO PUT MY NAME ON IT FOR NUMEROUS REASONS.
but my check is direct deposited into it every two weeks. i never see it other than online. the wallet in my purse is empty 90 percent of the time. i refuse to show people my license unless i seriously have too since this is the transphobic state of ohio(she does not understand we are ranked as the 51st worst state for trans rights and protections. it's hard to get worse than 51st when we only have 50 states ain't it?)
applications.....
as you all know i'm working at walmart, the place that supposedly respects all of its individuals for who they are. i feel if they did, they would have a damn internal computer program of their own to change peoples names and genders or have a spot for preferred names. they also don't offer any employment protection for us and don't plan on it anytime soon either(they really don't care). my boss says he hasnt heard any talk about me recently and i told him yeah he probably hasn't and wont because of the gender police and the bathroom(if i can't use the other two i sure ain't using the mens they can fire me and i will fight it). i have filled out applications that have had gender identity in their workplace discrimination policy, but have only had an interview with one of them. what i'm trying to get across to her is that i'm trying so hard to only do this once and don't want to start out male and have to go through all the bullcrap again that i'm going through at walmart somewhere else. all these damned places put the name into their computer that you put on the application and will change absolutely nothing without a court order. i'm lucky i have a friend in the pharmacy and said she would change my stuff for me at walmart, i went and took my medication somewhere else because i feel so disrespected by my employer and paid extra. the way i feel she thinks i should fill it out and then go as my proper gender and expect no harsh reactions from the interviewer if i get one. i'm sorry but every prospective employer in the state of ohio does NOT need to know i'm trans(this is also something i'm trying to make her understand and it isn't working). very few people are accepting of trans people in the part of the state we are in. customers at work wanted the pervert fired, i'm sure there are employees who feel the same way. also i WOULD have had hours at work if my boss hadn't sat on his ass when he knew i could work during the week again THREE WEEKS IN ADVANCE AND HIS BOSS KNEW TOO. instead she went on vacation and i got shafted not once but TWICE!!! i had put in for the support managers position since they forced the lady who was doing it to quit. they made the decision while our department head manager was on vacation. but then other employees came in to tell my wife at her work that they were going to replace management with people we didn't know, so with the new store manager i guess my qualifications didn't trump inexperience in the department period. we would have been fine if that lady had stayed. but ->-bleeped-<- couldn't give me hours till thanksgiving day and when she was off of maternity leave. if she was there i would have had ALL the hours i wanted and needed, so its far from my fault on that one. now it's their own damn fault if they don't have coverage for those hours. i'm seriously tired of being completely disrespected by them and i'm trying to play by their half assed rules. i have no problems using a walmart women's room in another city with employees THAT I GREW UP WITH. HOW SAD IS THAT?
doctors apointments......
no i haven't been perfect when it comes to scheduling, but for the longest while she wouldn't even let me go to the doctor for my allergies. my medication quit working too and i take over the counter stuff but the stuff that actually works and makes me drowsy and she gets mad at me for not being able to stay awake, if i was driving i could understand, but 3am? i quit going to therapy once school started again for my daughter. i can't even make an appointment to see him because they are having trouble getting paid by the insurance i had. they took it away because i made too much money by myself( i think) which is odd since i only work two days a week, but whatever. i went to my GP and she referred me to an OB because they didn't do hrt there, and i kept getting letters from their office stating no one in the area did it, but i called them(the OB office) and they said ALL their doctors do it, tho i expect them to tell me when i go that they won't do it for me, which means i have to drive an hour to 2 and half hours away because these doctors around here are too lazy to consult a doctor who does it so they can provide it to their patient, which i also feel is a sign of disrespect. this last doctors appointment for hrt i scheduled she told me to and she would try and have her boss schedule around it(maybe thats what i wanted her to say i dunno) its become very hard to schedule anything around school, girl scouts, the kids appointments which i make sure they go too, her appointments, i guess i should just have her do it for me? i'm really tired of screwing crap up( i seem really good at it, may i have my award please?)
support.....
i'm trying to work on this with her, shes getting better but we all could use some improvement i'm trying to be patient, i've waited almost 23 years to change my name..
i ask for her support especially when it comes to michael(the old guy at work) because it hurts me(but she acts like its no big deal) when he just blatantly can't remember to use proper pronouns and she just stands there and smiles and says nothing, it makes me feel as if i don't have her support that she says she is giving(thats why i get mad) and what i believe she doesn't understand. i know she will never ever do it with her sister because they both want me to go back in to the closet(her husband too) and not do it until the kids are gone, because they see it as some respect thing for the kids. they all fear the kids are losing their daddy but they are not, daddy is just changing genders (or at least trying 2).
i've asked her for help with a middle name but she seems to refuse to help me, her middle initial is L and wants mine NOT TO EVEN BEGIN WITH THAT LETTER. everything i come up with is just stupid for all the people i ask, can someone help us?
i still don't understand how she wants me to slow down, i know she is grieving, and i'm guessing its going to take eight years or longer to really come to terms with not having a male husband, i'm really sorry you can't love me for all of me(this included, i know you're not a lesbian).i've had no laser or electrolysis treatments and know i'll never be able to afford them because that money is always for you and the kids. she's known i've dressed since we got together.
how do i get her to tell me to slow down other than to tell me i'm not
listening?why is it ok for her to write me a letter but whatever i do i HAVE to TALK, after all day of raising my voice at my kids, i don't feel like talking, she knows what i go through with the kids when she watches the kids on the weekend, she doesn't want to talk.
how do i get her to ask more than the same questions over and over like why do i feel this way? if i knew why, everything would be a hell of lot easier for us wouldn't it? maybe not?
i also got some clothing items off ebay this past year, i tried to ask most of the time and tried to keep them cheap as possible, but i'm not perfect, i screwed that up too.
i try to ask the kids not to say daddy in certain public places or at least not so that everyone in the damn store can hear. my daughter has an extremely bad habit of constantly repeating and interrupting people when they are talking and she has taught it to our two year old son, so yes it does upset me just as much as it does when they do mommy mommy mommy to her.
i hope i haven't left anything out, if i have or screwed something up, i'm sure she will correct me.
i asked her last night before i went to bed if i got books to help her if she'd read them, now i don't remember what she said(cause i know i'll screw it up too, sorry hun).
for those who didn't get all that..
i'm not perfect...
i'm not on hormones....
i've not had laser or electrolysis...
i've not even got to change my name...yet
i'm a Warrior Princess but that doesn't mean like every normal gurl that i don't have my faults, but i at least i admit them. i'm sorry but i needed to defend myself.
